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the first time i masturbated i used shampoo and it dried the shit out of my dick making all the skin peel leaving chaff marks everywhere it hurt to pee for atleast a month
Not really relevent, but who cares...
Late at night I decided to draw My own. I then fell asleep, and My mum woke Me up and said 'These are good drawings!!!". And shes never been the same since...
Tenacious D, cock jokes, and non-stop swearing...
Your part in My life depends on Me. Therefore I am God. Deify Me!!!
My insanity keeps Me sane. I use My logic to do defy yours. Veni, vidi, vici...
Read My Crazy Shit
I can never get caught for these reasons :
I don't watch, I imagine.
I rub, not jerk.
I don't take my pants off.
Because of this thread, a goal in life for me is to walk in on my son. When this happens I will make it as awkward as I possibly can.
I almost broke my dick several times jamming it back into my pants when somebody walks in.
ive personally never been caught but one of my friends got caught jerkin it by his mom and she said it was only normal, but then she started telling other people like she was proud r sumthin and when his sister heard she actually requested to change rooms in the house :P
but neway she eventualy told me about it on a ride to to see cloverfield and kyle was sitting right in front of me so i couldnt help but ask, how big was it? because i knew he couldn't do nething.
needless 2 say she shrugged it off and said average i guess, not that i even really wanted to know but it certainly gave me a case of the ROFLCOPTERS
well lets see, which ridiculous story can i tell, ive had too many close encounters but never full on caught with my pants down, the funniest would be when we on our way to the beach and ya know when you have a small vehicle and you pack it full of shit and when your in the back your rents cant see very well? so yeah we were going down the road and i decided to tug one out just out of spontanuety and i was getting hot so i opend the window, my ma was completely focused on the drive tryin to make sure we were on the right roads and stuff, well anyways i reached climax and sometimes its hard to aim and i didnt think about where i was going to before i started so i shot out the window and its so happens that there was a cop behind us and it hit his windsheild.. because the next thing i hear is sirens and my mom is going wtf? i didnt do anything wrong? so the cop gets up there and blah blah this, and he asks did anyone throw something out the window? because some liquid hit his window and it appeared to come from our car, i was sweating balls in the back seat and my heart was in my throat, so i pretended to be sick, and when he asked me i said, yeah officer, i spit out because im not feeling so good, he gave us a little littering lecture and then went on his way.. talk about scary.
"I am a guardian of freedom, and the american way of life"
At 2/7/08 12:19 AM, NickDaPwner wrote: woah...
u can do it with ur pans on??!?!~!?
are u chuck norris?
Hmmmmm Wat Ridiculus Story do i have i had many close encounters but not as clsoe as this. I was Bored And Went to my favorite porn Siht and really got into it and i didnt expect my mom to be home for another 3 hours but she came home early and i was jsut at the climax whne she walked into my room i didnt close the page down and my pants were only half way up but she didnt seem to notice closeest enocunter i had so far hope it dotn happen agian.
Halo Vetrean Number #99
At 8/21/07 09:43 PM, DentedDementia wrote: I was watching porn, and my mom came up the the stairs and in the room. I went to click the X, but hit the maximize button by mistake.
Luckily she wasn't paying attention and I closed it without her noticing.
At 2/2/08 09:35 PM, chocolate-penguin wrote:
share your meat processing techniques
At 2/7/08 09:46 PM, bigjuicy wrote:At 1/30/08 08:06 PM, maspa wrote:Oh thats just where you eat the girl out while she sucks your dick!At 1/30/08 07:00 PM, gopherlover wrote: we were having a 69At the risk of sounding thick, what the fuck is a 69?
The Murloc says.. "MWWRRAARRGGLLGGHH"
I was in the basement on my computer and i hadn't fapped in a week or so. So I am beating my meat when my dad starts coming downstairs and I didn't hear. He comes down and i was very quick in putting my pants on that he didn't notice and the porn was left on and i muted it from the keyboard. He didn't notice a thing and I nearly had a heart attack. After that i couldn't fap.
"Disneyland? Fuck, this is better than Disneyland."
MOOSE YOU ARE MIGHTY
My mom walked in on me fapping, we never said anything about it, but it was very awkward for a long while..very awkward
At 2/11/08 11:38 PM, NimbleElephant wrote:
: What an interesting point you have, and very debatable and exciting.
At 2/7/08 09:54 PM, KillerMoose23 wrote: After that i couldn't fap.
Standard, but good.
I got caught by my parents when I was jacking off and reading Jugs.
A vagina is really just a hat for a penis.
I was scratching my head under my blanket while watching tv, My mum thought I was masturbating.
Insert signature here.
One time, I was yanking to some pron I found on meh PSP. So, just as i'm about to fire teh cannon, my little brother comes in and screams CAN I PLAY YOUR PSP???? and i'm scared shitless and I quickly cover up my weiner with a blanket. He asks "Why do you have a blanket on" and I said i'm cold. He says"We're in florida and it's about 90 degrees outside" I tell him to fuck off and he tells my grandma(I was staying the weekend with her). She grabs the PSP out of my hands and says "SHARE with your brother." She looks right at the screen and says "Hm, what a strange game!" (hooray for senile old women who can see a thing!) and i'm so relived....until she starts to hand it to my brother(he was 7 at the time btw). I was all like OH FUCK CHILDHOOD SCAR RIGHT DER and just as my grandmas about to hand it to him the battery goes ded. TALK ABOUT LUCKEH!!!!!
Some of these are so funny!
I was "doing the deed" at, like, 1:00 am and I hear something. I am on my bed beating it when all of a sudden the door opens. I am too shocked to move. But the shock somehow caused me to cum. Cum in the direction of the door. Luckily it was just my stupid-ass cat. But to my dismay the cum went straight to my cat's face. It was so fucking funny but I couldn't laugh. I also took a picture of my cumshot-faced cat on my old phone.
No I can't post the picture because I have a new phone.
One time my friend was looking through the window as i slapped off to katie morgan and sex toys.
One time i was doin it in the shower and id been in there for a while and my dumbass dog somehow opened the door and it scared the shit out of me and i ripped the cord thing and it was all bleeding and that.since it was my dog i didn't get caught but i was walking around very uncomfortably for 3 weeks!
At 2/4/08 06:20 AM, Xmanne wrote: I can never get caught for these reasons :
I don't watch, I imagine.
I rub, not jerk.
I don't take my pants off.
Perfect. Exactly how to not get caught.
So...I was doing my thing to pictures of my girlfriend i had put on my computer (They weren't dirty or whatever, just sexy) and she walks in.
It's awkward enough when it's your mom who sees you doing it to just porn pics.
It's REALLY awkward when it's your girlfriend who sees you doing it to pictures of her in a swimsuit.
why do ppl do it in places like in their room cause jesus how obvious would it be!
on the school camp last year everyone had like bunks and stuff and (PS. this isnt about me) there was about 8 ppl in each room and our group only had 6 ppl so we had to have 2 really weird kids in our group.I was in a bunk above one of them and i hear some whispering and i looked at michaels bed (one of the weird ppl) and it was empty and then the bed started shaking and i was thinking Oh god are they...and i peeked over in the dim light and i saw both of the weird ppl sitting on the bed and my weight combined with their wobling caused the bed to tip over it hit another one so it didnt go down all the way.i went flying off and landed in the middle of the room and i got up and everyones like What was that sound? and i turned the light on and they were sitting inbeetween the beds of a bunk on a 45 degree angle with no pants on.
it was really gross and my friend darcy who was on the bunk my bunk had hit and he had a good veiw of this so he got his camera which was on the ground (and now that i think about it i dont know how he reached it from his bunk)
And he took like 5 fotos and a 30 second mocie of them trying to get their pants on.
he wasnt doing it so he could like look at it.
he was doing it to embarress them.
Because by now the teacher who was staying in our building and half of the kids had gotten out of their beds to see what this racket was.
And darcy showed everyone the video and the pictures
Michael and kiah(the other weird one) were scared for life.
It was pretty scary for me too.
And also gay ppl are gross and ppl who do it when there is no-one anywhere near them are better of than the ones who do it in their rooms while ppl are home.
and also *bump*
This is just stupid
I got to a link where i allways go to watch porn movies
but then i saw it
the worlds most perfects ass
it turned me on so much i had to click it
it took me to a site called porntube or something like that
i had to instal a plug in in order to watch the movie
I knew 150% it was a virus but man that ass was nice so i said my self
"I know i will get a virus but at least i'll see the ass in action"
since then my computers works twice slower and when i tryed to open the movie it gave me an error
I was at least expecing to be the real plug-in with the virus atached but it only was the god damn virus =((
You can imagine i didn't jerked all day long that day :((