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I'm hardcore professional, no mistakes only pleasure.

I was using moisturizer as lube once, and my bro almost caught me wankin it was he came into the compy room. Then later he came down and asked me where his moisturizer was and I gave it to him, I still don't know if he knows that I was wanking it that faithful day.

At 10/30/07 02:01 AM, Azutom wrote: Epic thread indeed.
Well, one time I was masturbating, my girlfriend called me and broke up with me via the phone. That was the saddest fap ever. EVAR. Never really been caught though.

Did you use your tears as lubricant?

At 2/14/07 09:46 PM, McFooFa wrote: Probably just gettin' it all over my pants. =/

Or getting caught by your parents/roommates/mentor during the process. :P

epic bump

At 10/30/07 10:39 PM, Bunzi2 wrote: when I came blood one time.

Wow. Just...
wow.

aw, too bad im only 6 and i dont know how to fap.i really wish i could join this conversation
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epic mindless bump

I had a dream where i had like a million porn browsers open and my sister walked in my room seeing what i was doing. it was so weird but it was teh most tense dream ever trying to exit all those browsers.

I used to go out into the den on late Friday nights when I was nine religously and get naked and throw the couhc blanket over me. Then I would fuck the couch and touch things with my penis. I would also watch Dexters Lab. My mom found out, be she never gave a shit about anything sex related. My sister used to fuck her boyfriend in the room beside mine before I moved out a few months ago.
Anyways, I would come outside into the den, undress under the blanket, and watch dexters lab. Then I would continue with the ritual. I'm uncircumsized, but it doesn't go above the head, so I used to actually use my fingers to dry out my foreskin and just stimulate it until the 'burning feeling' came. I would try to get to the level above the 'burning feeling', it was like a search for the holy grail.
I think I got above it once and actually orgasmed. Anyways, I still have red discoloration there.

I used to sit there and think, 'Im all alone, nobody else in the world does this, I must be some kind of fuckup. What if I was found out? What t hen?'... Oh, the sweet, sweet irony of what happened when my sister told me what masturbation was when we watched 'Meet the Fockers' in a hotel room. She was always a bitch to me, but she would answer any question I ever asked her.Everything came together then. Of course, I went for a long time not knowing what I was doing. I only learned what masturbation was when I was like 11. Then I looked itup on the internet.

I then went to gripping my penis and just moving it up and down. I got, and still dont get any pleasure whatsoever from it. However, the pressure allows me to fool my kinesthetic sense, and I supplant a mental simulation of what I think sex would feel like over it. This is how I masturbate when I don't fuck pillows with belts wrapped around them (thank you newgrounds).

I remember, my blankets used to smell like bleach because the fabric mixed with my cum, and we're talking about my BED BLANKETS. I fell asleep with the scent of my own cum every night, and woke up to it in the morning... Until my sister and her boyfriend had sex in my room and left one of those bag-in-a-bags you use to store crack in in there... And a plate of half eaten Bagel Bites. I swear to god, the stench of her boyfriend and her were rolling off of the blankets, and bagel bites were just sitting there. My friend Jordan was there with me at the time, funny ass shit man. You have to keep in mind, my brain ignores my left eye, so that leaves room for me to smell things.

Did I tell you guys the story about New Years Eve?

Nope...

I was living at a friends house for a time and we all got drunk one night. Everyone left and I said I was "sick" so I stayed behind and faped. They came back as I had came on my hand.

I was downloading porn off of limewire while watching the porn i already had. I tend to get bored of porn quickly, so i download alot of it. I just kind of scroll down the search page and randomly click on porn to start downloading.

I get about 3 or 4 movies in and i open up one that was finished so i could watch it while i waited for others to finish. The first frame was a girl sitting on a bed. a YOUNG girl. i about shit my pants and turned off my computer right away. I still don't know how old she was... but i was still expecting chris hansen to call me and tell me "take a seat right there."

I also formatted my HD. using an anti data recovery tool. then i barfed a little.

I was fapping to a video of me fapping to this series of posts and my mum came in.
I then proceeded to have sex with her a little bit too roughly and threw her used up corpse in the dumpster.

Aah... that's horrible, sorry mummy! :P

once i was pleasuring myself in the basemnt...i fired off so hard it hit the paneled ceiling...my mom walked in after i had my pants on, nd i was tryin to get it off the ceiling...it almst fell on her XD

At 11/11/07 12:15 PM, Sistine1408 wrote: once i was pleasuring myself in the basemnt...i fired off so hard it hit the paneled ceiling...my mom walked in after i had my pants on, nd i was tryin to get it off the ceiling...it almst fell on her XD

lol

when i grow up and i catch my kids jacking off im gonna congratulate them and they'll (hopefully) be the only ones i have to tell i masturbate.

I was mad at my friend for a long time after this

I was in my room just pumping it off. (stickin out of my boxers) and im almost at that...point. so ya im bout there and all of a sudden (my door doesnt have a lock on it, unlucky me) my dads walks in with my cellphone. my wankers in my hands, i have my pronz up, and he says 'take ur dang phone and tell them to stop calling'. he then left and closed the door. i was just sittin there for like 1 min. then continued and finished up. Come to find out my friend was calling my cell and (dumbass me) i left my cell on the counter in the living room. WHAT WAS REAAALY IMPORTANT FOR HIM TO CALL ME LIKE 20 TIMES was he wanted me to come over to my neighbors and listen to that fat ass play the guitar (i have to listen to their shitty band from their back yard every night) i tell him wut happened, he laughs, and i say fuck u. didnt talk to that fucker for 3 weeks after that till he said his little sorry.

Omg I remember one time when I was jackin off and my grandma came in and I had exit the site and hold that sucka orgasm in =/ ..... then she left and I opened the site up again...started again then she comes in again and I was like didnt you leave the chicken on the grill(she cant cook) and she 4got so she left and I had some pleasure...

A couple weeks ago my parents weren't home. It was me and only me. So as usual I go , release the beast (ok that was gay , but I'm living up the moment) , and open up a porn site. Nobody is home so I don't need headphones. The noise was loud but I could still hear a bit to know if someone is ready to open the door. So I'm there for around 15 minutes trying to make the best of the moment when suddenly my parents come home with my sister. I didn't know but they didn't open up the door instead my sister just walked in her room. I heard her door shut and just noticed they were home. I flipped over and landed on my back , closed the site , got jizz all over my pants and was very angry. Problem is....I still don't know if she heard me or not so I hope she doesn't black mail me or something.

That wasn't the scariest though , I'll see if I remember any.

At 8/22/07 12:41 AM, TheGayDarthNihilus wrote:

1st friend was jacking off to furry p0rn blah blah blah they also gave his cat back to the animal shelter.

OMG I DIED LAUGHING LOLOLOL

At 8/23/07 06:36 AM, CptxMorgan wrote: but right when I woke up he said, "son you're moving with your Auntie and Uncle in Bel-Air."

Lol i haven't heard a fresh prince joke in a while

At 9/15/07 10:01 PM, RockAmbole wrote: There was that one time, I was masturbating, and well, things happened, and turns out I lost half of my body. Luckily, my penis wasn't lost in the process.

uh.... what?

this happened just 10 minutes ago. i was fapping away to porn while my parents were at the mall but i didnt realize that my little brother was home too. he came right into my room and asked me if i wanted to play xbox with him. i put on my pants as fast as possible and told him i was doing homework so he couldnt bother me. THen i realized the porn was still on. since he is the BIGGEST TATTLE TALE EVER, he probably is gonna tell my parents i was watching porn on my computer. :(

Dang...
So I had finished "masturbating" just when my sister walked in, so I quickly wrapped my mess in a papertowel and stuffed everything (c*m and package) into my pants, and then I had to walk with things stuffed like that for about 10 minutes.

At 11/30/07 09:11 PM, TJoyal wrote: That wasn't the scariest though , I'll see if I remember any.

Scary....

None. Yet. Let's keep it that way.

At 10/31/07 01:14 PM, Sterance wrote:

The first frame was a girl sitting on a bed. a YOUNG girl. i about shit my pants and turned off my computer right away. I still don't know how old she was... but i was still expecting chris hansen to call me and tell me "take a seat right there."

I saw a video that fits that description. After seeing it I then destroyed my harddrive.

I was watching porn on the television, because my computer wasn't around my house during that time. It was late at night, I thought everybody was asleep, but then out of nowhere my mom opened up the door and I said "Please close the door!" Which she did. Phew.

Well none of the moments are really scaring, except when you almost get caught. That happens to me a lot, it's like my parents are just waiting at my door so they can bust and catch me. But I'm to damn good, haven't been caught once to this day. I also hate when I get it on my clothing or commen house hold items.

Well this one time, I was gettin' ready for a wank. La da na nuh na, then my girlfriend calls. I had to answer because she was a clingy type (ugh). I clicked 'x' really fast, then answered.
We began talking, about 15 seconds into the conversation I realized the porn didn't exit, I missed the 'x' or something. I have a laptop so it's usually on my bed. It was there and I was on the other side, so I began trying to manuever my 'lil USB mouse to exit, or mute it. During this I had to try to talk loud and constant so she couldn't hear anything.

Close one..

At 12/1/07 01:28 AM, Grammar-Nazi wrote:

Thats why I always use head phones when I watch porn, that way I can avoid a situation like that and still listen at full volume. But why do you need porn when you've got a girlfriend?