At 10/23/07 06:59 AM, Phantom wrote: Speaking of writing, how many people here find it too bothersome to proof read one of your own long stories and would rather give it to someone else who's educated and can inspect it for you. I know I have a person I love using, a NG user who proof reads all my work so it is presentable, mostly because while my English is decent, there are always the smallest details in language use even I fail to notice and he does, but he lacks the creativity to write stories, so we collaborate and I write the plot, he makes it readable :)

I'm really particular about who reads my stories. I let my dad read my first amateur novel and he didn't even finish reading it before he said it was too linear. Plus it has some lesbian content and dad's not a big fan of homosexuality. Both of my parents say I write wonderfully, but I personally think I stink. =/

At 10/24/07 07:49 AM, gumOnShoe wrote: READ FIRST

Awesome! Count me in. I'll get started on one soon.

At 10/24/07 10:24 AM, Schmut wrote: Awesome! Count me in. I'll get started on one soon.

Me too, I just don't check out the general section too often so I may need a reminder when it is out.

At 10/23/07 09:52 PM, TheThing wrote:

At 10/13/07 05:41 PM, Centurion-Ryan wrote: Linkage to new chapter.

Constructive criticism.

I better do a JK Rowling and think up an explanation on the spot that there has been no hinting at throughout any of the stories.

At 10/24/07 11:07 AM, SenIsteR wrote:

At 10/23/07 09:52 PM, TheThing wrote:

Thank you for your review TheThing, very much appreciated. I wish to defend my work a bit though, or at least explain. The character descriptions were not there when I started. I added them because I simply hadn't put them in when I first wrote the story. The few people who read the story didn't know for example that "DZ" was a black man. I decided to add the descriptions and stats just for effect. Bad move I guess.

Well, that could help. I'm just used to reading stories where I have to discover the character, and find out everything. But I guess that's good you put that in there. It could be a good move, but only on a site like DeviantArt, and not in a novel.

Please tell me, was my grammar and spelling really bad or just common mistakes? Was it hard to read?

It wasn't hard to read; just a few grammar mistakes. Like... I can't find any grammar through skimming, but I did notice you changed tense commonly. You would switch from past tense to present tense every other paragraph (like "says" [present] and "said" [past]. I don't know your knowledge on tenses, so don't be offended that I'm showing you the difference). Some of them were just possible typeos; forgotten "s" at the end of this word, an apostrophe left out here, stuff like that.

Oh, and one more thing. The dialog sounded too proper; there are a lot of contractions in the English language, such as "Can't" (can not), "I'm" (I am), "You're" (you are), and "He's" (he is) are the most common forms of contractions. But stay away from using "it"; there is a big difference between "its" (possession) and "it's"(it is), which even kids in my school mix up.

Okay, quick update... I have found a new love! I have found that erotic stories are EXTREMELY fun to write, and fun to hear comments on. I posted two on my page, I love them, hopefully some of you guys will too.

At 10/24/07 07:45 AM, 1Housefan wrote: Both of my parents say I write wonderfully, but I personally think I stink. =/

Personally, I think I'm not that good either. I think that "The Sword" was good, but not great. I also think that the sequel "The Sword: Acceptance" wasn't my best work either. But everyone says I'm a great writer.

Oh, and I got a fake out on critters. I sent my story in last week so it can join the queue, and when I saw this (below), I got excited, then confused, then sad. I thought they might have just had a server mix up and changed my name. But alas, I opened it up and found it wasn't my "The Sword"

At 10/24/07 11:05 AM, Phantom wrote:

At 10/24/07 10:24 AM, Schmut wrote: Awesome! Count me in. I'll get started on one soon.

Me too, I just don't check out the general section too often so I may need a reminder when it is out.

count me in as well, this sounds like fun.

i hope i have a chance at winning even though it will most likely be phantom or gunny if he shows any time soon.

At 10/24/07 09:50 PM, gumOnShoe wrote: It's up: http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/8004 28

I suggest reading the Italic 3rd post, but you should get the idea. Have fun with it!

writers, start your engines.

here goes nothin'

At 10/24/07 09:50 PM, gumOnShoe wrote: It's up: http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/8004 28

Posted, it may not be the best, but I didn't want to spend an awful lot of time on it anyway. Thanks for letting us know.

Also, fellow members, I've had a new idea in my sleep, it is to put it simply, PSYCHOTIC. I will begin work on in it in the next few days, it is simply scary how psychotic the idea is...

Here it is

It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Cookie-Monsta1, woke up in a lemur-infested moor. It was the fourth time it had happened. Feeling very displeased, Cookie-Monsta1 groped a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he realized that his beloved PENIS was missing! Immediately he called his favorite rape victim, Chris-V2. Cookie-Monsta1 had known Chris-V2 for (plus or minus) 200,000 years, the majority of which were saucy ones. Chris-V2 was unique. He was ingenious though sometimes a little... stupid. Cookie-Monsta1 called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Chris-V2 picked up to a very sad Cookie-Monsta1. Chris-V2 calmly assured him that most South American hissing sloths yawn before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually exotically panic *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Cookie-Monsta1. Why was Chris-V2 trying to distract Cookie-Monsta1? Because he had snuck out from Cookie-Monsta1's with the PENIS only ten days prior. It was a striking little PENIS... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Cookie-Monsta1 got back to the subject at hand: his PENIS. Chris-V2 yawned. Relunctantly, Chris-V2 invited him over, assuring him they'd find the PENIS. Cookie-Monsta1 grabbed his canoe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Chris-V2 realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the PENIS and he had to do it aptly. He figured that if Cookie-Monsta1 took the best-in-its-so-called-'class' sedan, he had take at least seven minutes before Cookie-Monsta1 would get there. But if he took the Ireland? Then Chris-V2 would be really screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Chris-V2 was interrupted by four selfish WilliWowzas that were lured by his PENIS. Chris-V2 turned red; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling exasperated, he aggressively reached for his dull pencil and skillfully grabbed every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the foxy forest, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Ireland rolling up. It was Cookie-Monsta1.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at McDonald's to pick up a 12-pack of ninja stars, so he knew he was running late. With a careful leap, Cookie-Monsta1 was out of the Ireland and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Chris-V2's front door. Meanwhile inside, Chris-V2 was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the PENIS into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind his George Foreman grill. Chris-V2 was angered but at least the PENIS was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Chris-V2 charismatically purred. With a quick push, Cookie-Monsta1 opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some clueless beer-sloshed tool in a homemade car,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Chris-V2 assured him. Cookie-Monsta1 took a seat ridiculously unclose to where Chris-V2 had hidden the PENIS. Chris-V2 turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Cookie-Monsta1 was distracted. Happy as a frickin' monkey, Chris-V2 noticed a annoying look on Cookie-Monsta1's face. Cookie-Monsta1 slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Chris-V2 felt a stabbing pain in his scalp when Cookie-Monsta1 asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the PENIS right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on Cookie-Monsta1's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Cookie-Monsta1 nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Chris-V2 could react, Cookie-Monsta1 fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The PENIS was plainly in view.

Cookie-Monsta1 stared at Chris-V2 for what what must've been ten nanoseconds. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, Chris-V2 groped explosively in Cookie-Monsta1's direction, clearly desperate. Cookie-Monsta1 grabbed the PENIS and bolted for the door. It was locked. Chris-V2 let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Cookie-Monsta1,' he rebuked. Chris-V2 always had been a little insensitive, so Cookie-Monsta1 knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Chris-V2 did something crazy, like... start chucking dangerous oil-soaked rags at him or something. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he gripped his PENIS tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Chris-V2 looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Cookie-Monsta1. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Cookie-Monsta1. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Chris-V2 walked over to the window and looked down. Cookie-Monsta1 was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Cookie-Monsta1 was struggling to make his way through the haunted thicket behind Chris-V2's place. Cookie-Monsta1 had severely hurt his armpit during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral WilliWowzas suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the PENIS. One by one they latched on to Cookie-Monsta1. Already weakened from his injury, Cookie-Monsta1 yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of WilliWowzas running off with his PENIS.

About four hours later, Cookie-Monsta1 awoke, his scalp throbbing. It was dark and Cookie-Monsta1 did not know where he was. Deep in the muddy foxy forest, Cookie-Monsta1 was alarmingly lost. Before anyone could take off their pants, he remembered that his PENIS was taken by the WilliWowzas. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a misshapen WilliWowza emerged from the magical cornfield. It was the alpha WilliWowza. Cookie-Monsta1 opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the WilliWowza sunk its teeth into Cookie-Monsta1's taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Cookie-Monsta1's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than nine miles away, Chris-V2 was entombed by anguish over the loss of the PENIS. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened dull pencil. With a deft thrust, he buried it deeply into his ear. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Cookie-Monsta1... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the PENIS that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant WilliWowzas, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

LOLz!!1

At 10/25/07 09:42 AM, gumOnShoe wrote:

I'm curious about this topic though as I hail from the cripple and long dead Writer's Guild (which was full of awesome for a time). How exactly is this thread going? Is there a group of regulars here or what? Do you guys just write stories? Do you do competitions? Eh?

its going good and yes to all three questions

Also, I have an empty forum I might wish to "donate" towards writers who want a larger environment to either work in or a place to archive work for others to find easily. I could set it up by genre or whatever and hopefully it would be easier for people to look back and go... shit that's an awesome collection of stories. Let me know what you think... it would probably take 1 to 2 weeks to get it up and running with all the other stuff I'm dealing with, but I like writers. You guys significantly improve the quality of the bbs just by posting a few times a day.

that sounds pretty cool.

At 10/24/07 09:28 PM, TheThing wrote:

Oh, and I got a fake out on critters. I sent my story in last week so it can join the queue, and when I saw this (below), I got excited, then confused, then sad. I thought they might have just had a server mix up and changed my name. But alas, I opened it up and found it wasn't my "The Sword"

Heh, yeah I can see how at a glance you'd get super excited. I've had that happen a couple of times with different things.

At 10/25/07 09:43 AM, cookie-monsta1 wrote: Here it is

Good BBS story (kind of), but as a real piece of writing, it sucked.

Right, fuck it in the ass with a lead pipe, I'm giving in to all the other fantasy writers (Namely, Lloyd Alexander, JRR Tolkein, and JK Rowling) trends and introducing a miserable creature that speaks in third person, and uses a great deal of primitive terms for a great deal of things, and is very small.

Then again, most people probably HAVE to do this if they write High Fantasy.

At 10/26/07 05:09 PM, Centurion-Ryan wrote: Right, fuck it in the ass with a lead pipe

There are basic rules to every kind of story. Like having the wise, old man who trains the young, arrogant protagonist. It's not cliche; it's just he fundamentals. I'm sure that having a small, third-person speaking minor character is part of the fundamentals.

Umm I think that JRR Toikien and J.K.Rowling will write other fantasy books.

At 10/27/07 01:10 AM, Satayu wrote: Umm I think that JRR Toikien and J.K.Rowling will write other fantasy books.

I highly doubt that JRR will write other books, seeing as he died. Over 30 years ago. And JK has enough money to live like a queen for 2 lifetimes, so she's just going to sit back and watch the royalties come in.

At 10/27/07 01:10 AM, Satayu wrote: Umm I think that JRR Toikien and J.K.Rowling will write other fantasy books.

Yeah, it would be quite interesting (and scary) if Tolkien managed to get another book out, but Rowling just as TheThing said, needs no more money and only completed the Harry Potter series for all the money, and it's not that good a book anyway.

Also, Killers is out, check out my user page.

I'm rather disappointed with it, it turned out a bit too much like a cliche in my opinion, hopefully next idea will be made better.

Cool, I'll check that out. (Especially considering I really like your writing style) And Satuya, JRR Tolkien is DEAD! JK Rowling though, just might write another book. (I sure hope so)

A man stood up and told :"What is this worthless rubbish you are telling us?"
As his friend told the man :"We where just talking about you."
The man told them : "I'm not worth to talk about."
"why?" asked the people...
And the man told :"If i get no nachos you shall not have the right to talk about me!"
And so Hercules started his trail/Quest, and sadly enough didn't find the nachos but he found himself a demi-god...
This story is the story of the untold man, no one ever spoke about him any more and his story is still told all around the world... The End!

At 10/27/07 05:42 AM, Phantom wrote: Also, Killers is out, check out my user page.

I'll get to it, some day. I got to write a couple more critiques for Critter.org, and I want to finish my own story (which Andrea364 will hopefully post on NG). So, after I write another critique, I'll get on Andrea's story. I doubt it'll be another monster like The Sword: Acceptance, or The Killers.

At 10/27/07 05:42 AM, Phantom wrote: Also, Killers is out, check out my user page.

I'm rather disappointed with it, it turned out a bit too much like a cliche in my opinion, hopefully next idea will be made better.

i might check it out.

still waiting for that psychotic idea of yours.

Hey guys, here is a poem I wrote last year for my seventh grade language class. Tell me if you like it:

The Love of a White Knight

A white knight riding astride a stallion,
Radience shining like a star,
To find his true love,
Her beauty, like a pure white dove.

He'd fight many battles for her,
To win her father's favor,
He'd fight over one hundred men,
To feel one kiss, worth more to him than myrrh.

He'd go to the very depths of Hell,
And fight the Devil, Satan,
To be with her one night,
And be her only knight.

Then he saw her,
Clothed in wedding white,
Her gaze gave lovingly to him,
And he knew he wouldn't have to fight.

They held each other dear,
But a hidden archer felled them as a hunter would deer,
And they would forever be held,
In Death's cold embrace.

THE END

This is my first (decent) stab at poetry. Constructive criticsm welcome!

At 10/28/07 01:32 PM, MonkeyV wrote: still waiting for that psychotic idea of yours.

That might be a while, I'm now very committed to more writing exercises and reading before I write it, I want my skill to be at a new level of awesomeness before I write "Psycho"

At 10/28/07 01:42 PM, Phantom wrote:

At 10/28/07 01:32 PM, MonkeyV wrote: still waiting for that psychotic idea of yours.

That might be a while, I'm now very committed to more writing exercises and reading before I write it, I want my skill to be at a new level of awesomeness before I write "Psycho"

this sounds like its going to be epic...

At 10/28/07 03:33 PM, MonkeyV wrote:

That might be a while, I'm now very committed to more writing exercises and reading before I write it, I want my skill to be at a new level of awesomeness before I write "Psycho"

this sounds like its going to be epic...

Not to mention brutal at the same time.

Hey guys. Sorry, I've been taking an extended leave of absence, because of...nothing. I just hadn't been inspired to write. But, by way of divine intervention, I made this poem. Hope you like it. :)

There was no hope.No bright ray descending from the heavens.The men's bodies were strewn across the field,bloodied,the enemy standing above them,roaring broadly of victory,of a pride earned,and for the men, of pride trampled into the grime.They stood in horrible silence,that only one with no life could have,a dread like no other.The ones that remained;they fled,like the devil chased them,but only the enemy could be seen.As the enemy cornered the remaining men,one man stepped forward,and bravely stated,"No more shall we flee! Stand,men of Honor,of Courage,and send these infernal hounds back to the depths,and sing of your victory,into the afterlife.Stand as Men of Courage,but Die as Men of Honor!"The men rallied,and drove the enemy,back to the depths,and the sang of their victory.And they sang of their leader.

At 10/29/07 05:59 PM, blamninja1 wrote: Hey guys. Sorry, I've been taking an extended leave of absence, because of...nothing. I just hadn't been inspired to write. But, by way of divine intervention, I made this poem. Hope you like it. :)

poem

good poem, but really, you got a friend above your shift key and next to your apostrophe. when in doubt, use it.