Here it is
It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Cookie-Monsta1, woke up in a lemur-infested moor. It was the fourth time it had happened. Feeling very displeased, Cookie-Monsta1 groped a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he realized that his beloved PENIS was missing! Immediately he called his favorite rape victim, Chris-V2. Cookie-Monsta1 had known Chris-V2 for (plus or minus) 200,000 years, the majority of which were saucy ones. Chris-V2 was unique. He was ingenious though sometimes a little... stupid. Cookie-Monsta1 called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Chris-V2 picked up to a very sad Cookie-Monsta1. Chris-V2 calmly assured him that most South American hissing sloths yawn before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually exotically panic *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Cookie-Monsta1. Why was Chris-V2 trying to distract Cookie-Monsta1? Because he had snuck out from Cookie-Monsta1's with the PENIS only ten days prior. It was a striking little PENIS... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Cookie-Monsta1 got back to the subject at hand: his PENIS. Chris-V2 yawned. Relunctantly, Chris-V2 invited him over, assuring him they'd find the PENIS. Cookie-Monsta1 grabbed his canoe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Chris-V2 realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the PENIS and he had to do it aptly. He figured that if Cookie-Monsta1 took the best-in-its-so-called-'class' sedan, he had take at least seven minutes before Cookie-Monsta1 would get there. But if he took the Ireland? Then Chris-V2 would be really screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Chris-V2 was interrupted by four selfish WilliWowzas that were lured by his PENIS. Chris-V2 turned red; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling exasperated, he aggressively reached for his dull pencil and skillfully grabbed every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the foxy forest, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Ireland rolling up. It was Cookie-Monsta1.
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at McDonald's to pick up a 12-pack of ninja stars, so he knew he was running late. With a careful leap, Cookie-Monsta1 was out of the Ireland and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Chris-V2's front door. Meanwhile inside, Chris-V2 was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the PENIS into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind his George Foreman grill. Chris-V2 was angered but at least the PENIS was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Chris-V2 charismatically purred. With a quick push, Cookie-Monsta1 opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some clueless beer-sloshed tool in a homemade car,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Chris-V2 assured him. Cookie-Monsta1 took a seat ridiculously unclose to where Chris-V2 had hidden the PENIS. Chris-V2 turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Cookie-Monsta1 was distracted. Happy as a frickin' monkey, Chris-V2 noticed a annoying look on Cookie-Monsta1's face. Cookie-Monsta1 slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Chris-V2 felt a stabbing pain in his scalp when Cookie-Monsta1 asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the PENIS right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on Cookie-Monsta1's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's live hand grenades from when she used to have pet disease-carrying chipmunks. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Cookie-Monsta1 nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Chris-V2 could react, Cookie-Monsta1 fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The PENIS was plainly in view.
Cookie-Monsta1 stared at Chris-V2 for what what must've been ten nanoseconds. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, Chris-V2 groped explosively in Cookie-Monsta1's direction, clearly desperate. Cookie-Monsta1 grabbed the PENIS and bolted for the door. It was locked. Chris-V2 let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Cookie-Monsta1,' he rebuked. Chris-V2 always had been a little insensitive, so Cookie-Monsta1 knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Chris-V2 did something crazy, like... start chucking dangerous oil-soaked rags at him or something. Unaware of the bleakness of existence, he gripped his PENIS tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Chris-V2 looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Cookie-Monsta1. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame three days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Cookie-Monsta1. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Chris-V2 walked over to the window and looked down. Cookie-Monsta1 was gone.
Just yonder, Cookie-Monsta1 was struggling to make his way through the haunted thicket behind Chris-V2's place. Cookie-Monsta1 had severely hurt his armpit during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral WilliWowzas suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the PENIS. One by one they latched on to Cookie-Monsta1. Already weakened from his injury, Cookie-Monsta1 yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of WilliWowzas running off with his PENIS.
About four hours later, Cookie-Monsta1 awoke, his scalp throbbing. It was dark and Cookie-Monsta1 did not know where he was. Deep in the muddy foxy forest, Cookie-Monsta1 was alarmingly lost. Before anyone could take off their pants, he remembered that his PENIS was taken by the WilliWowzas. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a misshapen WilliWowza emerged from the magical cornfield. It was the alpha WilliWowza. Cookie-Monsta1 opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the WilliWowza sunk its teeth into Cookie-Monsta1's taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Cookie-Monsta1's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than nine miles away, Chris-V2 was entombed by anguish over the loss of the PENIS. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened dull pencil. With a deft thrust, he buried it deeply into his ear. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Cookie-Monsta1... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the PENIS that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant WilliWowzas, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(