At 9/18/07 10:31 AM, 1Housefan wrote:

At 9/17/07 06:38 PM, TheThing wrote:

Well considering it is seen from the side of the Germans...you won't see much of 'Hitler is bad, kill some Germans.' I wanted to write about the opposite side, there aren't too many novels about the German side of the war.

Well, reading it now, I see the error of my sentence. That's definitely a twist. But I think that no one writes about it because it is seems to be glorifying the Nazis and what they did.

Anyway, time to review the story:

I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe, when you feel better, you could write a story for him. Make him the star and write something that he would like. It's tough losing a friend, and sometimes you find it hard to think about him not being there. But you have to live on without him; you can't wallow in the past, otherwise you'll never be able to continue living your life.

I'm not sure I'd be able to do something like that for a while.

It's fine. It was just an idea for you to sort of memorialize him. You don't have to immediately, or at all if you don't want. I just thought it was a nice thing to do for him.

Fuck! I forgot the review. Oh well, it's here now.

I think it's a great story, but it feels unfinished. I get the meaning, but there is so much more this beginning has to offer. I say keep working on it, and it'll be even better.

And I think I can see a lesbian love scene, although it is colliding with flashbacks to my own controversially sex scene. (And that story got requested for a sequal, bitches!)

At 9/18/07 04:36 PM, TheThing wrote: Fuck! I forgot the review. Oh well, it's here now.

I think it's a great story, but it feels unfinished. I get the meaning, but there is so much more this beginning has to offer. I say keep working on it, and it'll be even better.

And I think I can see a lesbian love scene,

One fucking controversy per month, that's how writing works.

although it is colliding with flashbacks to my own controversially sex scene.

Again, see above.

(And that story got requested for a sequal, bitches!)

And that was because of the effort you put into it, and not the sex scene, right?

Also, the man who invented homework can fasticate himself with a 10 foot pole, it's nearly 10 and I'm still doing this God forsaken biography of Martin Luther.

Heres a atart of a story Im currenly writing kind of short but hey Ive been working on it for two days how much could you expect from me.
Oh and Im a novice writer so constructive criticism is very much appreciated

The young man stared vacantly at the mountain range in the distance as he drove along the winding rode. He would check the clock every now and then to see how much time he had before the climb started. The road suddenly went from the step incline to a gentle hilly road winding around the mountain. Soon he could see the top of the ground team tents as he approached the climbing composition. This was the first speed climb of the season and was important to the rest of the season. He was supposed do be there early, but his neighbor had throw him a birthday party. He then quickly parked and got into the complex harness just in time. He then put on his radio so he could stay in contact with the ground team. He then realized that the strap was broken he called for another but the announcer had already said to be at the starting line so he went and stood near the other mountain climbers. His team got his new radio there in just enough time to strap it on and then the announcer said go. So the ground team checked the connection with the radio and started directed him through.

As he carefully picked his way though holds to select the best one he suddenly lost his footing on the wall of sandstone. This loose footing caused his left hand to slip, almost steadily; he gently moved his foot back towards the sandstone he found his footing again. This rookie mistake cost him first place and left him with third at this point and he then heard the ground team say, " Ok Andrew come down its over you got third that puts you second on the seasonal board. He cautiously repelled down to the ledge he had came across on his way up and set his rope there. He then threw the rope behind him for the ground crew to grab hold of and test when he heard them say, "Alright," he started his repel once again. Once he reached the ground he heard them announcing the winners but paid no attention because he was already late for an appointment.

When Andrew arrived home he collapsed on the couch and then realized he had a message on his answering machine. He decided to check it in the morning and go on to his friend's house for a Friday night movie. When he arrived at his friend's house he pulled up to find construction crews he stood and thought why are they here it has needed to be done for years and they choose a Friday. Well, he maneuver around them and went to the elevator to see it was broken with a sing that said, "Please do not use OUT OF ORDER." So He started climbing the stairs. When He reached the third floor he went to his friend's door room 253 and rang the bell. When his friend answered the door Andrew said, "Hey Ziek got the movie ready." Ziek simply answered yes and allowed Andrew in. When he got inside the TV was on a DVD menu he couldn't tell which one. Ziek then went to retrieve something from the kitchen. Andrew then sat down on the couch and looked at the menu on the TV it was the movie Gladiators.

When Ziek returned from the kitchen he had some bags of chips and some cold drinks. He then sat down in a chair next to him and started the movie. When the movie was done they both said good-bye and Andrew departed to go back to his house. On his way home he was thinking about the mountain climbing season and how he needed to help train Ziek be for the technique compositions started. His 18 year old friend was just starting tout in the mountain climbing world and also used his ground crew, one of the best in the state, to help him, but he also needed to train because he wasn't going to be able to do that forever or no one will ever view him as a serious competitor. So he called him and set up a training day the next day.

As Andrew pulled into his parking garage he noticed that the elevator was already getting passengers for the ride down this meant that he would have to wait in the cold for it to come back up. So he got out of his car and jogged over to the elevators doors and pressed the second floor button. He walked in circles until the elevator opened and he got in. When he arrived on the second floor he went to his room 139 he opened it and went in and stood in front of the heater for a few moments to warm up. He thought how does it get so cold at night and so hot in the day here. When he was warm again He went and sat on the couch. After a while of watching TV he turned in and had plans tomorrow to go to the mountain climbing range to help Ziek train. The technique compositions were coming up fast and he only had three weeks to train him before his first climb.

At 9/18/07 03:37 PM, Phantom wrote:

At 9/14/07 06:29 PM, MonkeyV wrote: also, phantom, if i have time today, ill check out you userpage and comment on the story.

No comments >:(

lol, sorry. i comletely forgot. i kinda busy at the moment, so i dont know when ill be able to do that. sorry.

also congrats on level up.

Hey. Ive been looking for this thread along time. I keep skipping over it. Anywho Id like to join. Im not a novice writer, just a novice paragrapher. I cant for shit. Essays yes, but stories no. So when I type a story be sure to not hate cause of no paragraphs. But My genre is fantasy cause Im always day dreaming. I like to do stories where it doesnt end how you think it will. I will show you what I mean in the days to come. I can pump out stories like clockwork due to all my daydreaming fantasies. So yeah Id like to join so yes?

At 9/18/07 08:04 PM, Light-Aurora wrote: Heres a atart of a story Im currenly writing kind of short but hey Ive been working on it for two days how much could you expect from me.
Oh and Im a novice writer so constructive criticism is very much appreciated

It's not bad, I just want to mention that there was some overuse of "He" and "The" I know it's hard but always try to find alternative words for these things.

Well heres the first story I will be submitting to you all. Hope you like it.

Elemental Sacrifice

So cold. So cold this hell of mine. The longer I stay the more I regret saving them. Or do I? I dont know, it was the right thing to do but why did it have to end that way? Maybe you could tell me. Tell me, did I do the right thing? Let me start this tale by telling you that I was the Elementalist. I had control over all the elements, even Time. I was the strongest of the strong, the fastest of the fast, and the smartest of the smart. But not even that could save me from this. For days I had been sent request to save people from a water being. Of course I went to help but I always got there too late. The being always left before I got there. So then I decided to camp out in a town that hadnt been attacked. It worked. And so the tale begins.
"Zach, The Water Demon is here"
"Stand down" I said. "I will take care of it." And with that I took off into the air to fly at the beast.
"No one make a move against it unless I fail. I dont want you hurt!"
This being would go down. He would pay for killing all those people. I thought this and more, but I won't go into detail.
I saw the beast in the distance, a huge water beast in the shape of a bear. It was rampaging through the forest, looking for something it seemed. But that was of no concequence to me. I built up my flame powers and charged at the beast. He saw me and responded by morphing his body into some sort of barrel shape. From this shot a torrent of water directly at myself. I would have dodged had I not seen that if it missed it would hit the town. Thats where I made my first mistake, I took a hit. I used the flame powers to push the demon back and away from the town but the sheer power of force hit me harder then any boulder. The demon launched wave after wave of attacks at me after the initial blow, but I kept away from the town so it was safe to dodge. It relized pretty soon why I was able to dodge and went on to attack the town. I let it. I couldnt take another blow like that. I was worn out as it was, one more hit and I was dead. But seeing the town attacked I abandoned my previous plan, a well thought out one that probably would have let me win, for a more reckless one. I became a Flame Elemental. The rage I felt for letting the town be attacked fueled me on as I charged at the beast, forgeting that I was in a forest. We locked into hand to hand combat. He must have been channeling the spirt of a master fighter because he deflected all my blows. The only good news is that he was sluggish in defending so I could wear him down. I landed a blow on him, my only one so far. It took him by shock but even in such a state he was able to defend himself. Thats when I became pissed. There is a form of flame attacks called Phoenix Fyre. It is so strong that not even a Water Elemental could withstand it. But this thing was stronger then one, I didnt know if it would work. I kicked into him, using his body to backflip off to a safe distance, then began to channel the energies of Phoenix Fyre into my being. The demon became that barrel again, I was almost ready. He launched himself, I was almost there. He was almost here, I was ready. He struck me at the same time I released the energy. The explosive shockwave in such close quarters drained me off all my energy. I became normal and fell from a great hight. The demon fell back also, returning into a normal state also. I laughed as I fell. I laughed because I knew who I was being attacked by. The fight did feel somewhat familiar to me. Had I known, would I have stopped myself? I doubt it. I dont think I could kill myself. Even if in the end it would save many lives. You may say to yourself that if I dided then that I wouldnt be around to help now. You would be right except that we were in a time of peace. I did nothing in the years after the failed Time Warp, in which I wound up in this time and fought a fire demon, looking for the power to return me. And so I would. In my final moments of free fall, I used the power in me that should never be used. I used my Life Force. I transported him back to his time. And now I reaping the rewards of doing such an unspeakeable act. Using your Life Force is just about the only way to be sent straight to hell. And now I sit here, cold, hungry, and in constant sadness. Did I do the right thing? Did I? Id like to think I did. But everyday I remain here, I hate that I ever did it at all.

End

At 9/18/07 04:46 PM, Centurion-Ryan wrote:

At 9/18/07 04:36 PM, TheThing wrote:

And I think I can see a lesbian love scene,

One fucking controversy per month, that's how writing works.

Well, add it in October. lol, just kidding. What I really meant was to just stop before anything actually happens. But if you don't want one, by all means, don't add it. It'll probably just fuck up the story, because shit like that never really went down in the 1940's.

(And that story got requested for a sequal, bitches!)

And that was because of the effort you put into it, and not the sex scene, right?

Yeah, but it might be for the effort I put into the sex scene.

And I feel it's a good take on the usual BBS story.

Also, the man who invented homework can fasticate himself with a 10 foot pole, it's nearly 10 and I'm still doing this God forsaken biography of Martin Luther.

Sucks to be you. I personally have Honors classes, so I get a lot of homework, but I usually wait until the last minute before doing it.

At 9/18/07 10:22 PM, TheReno wrote: just a novice paragrapher. I cant for shit. Essays yes, but stories no.

It's fine. To paragraph, all you have to do is put it in double spaces. It doesn't really matter where they are, as long as the story isn't constantly broken up by them; then the story's flow is destroyed.

So yeah Id like to join so yes?

Everyone who writes is in automatically.

Finally I have finished Chapter 5 to my story (Prophecy: The Chosen One). I sorry for the wait, I got a little lazy.

Comments on my story? I would love to hear what you all thought of it.

At 9/18/07 08:04 PM, Light-Aurora wrote: Heres a atart of a story Im currenly writing kind of short but hey Ive been working on it for two days how much could you expect from me.
Oh and Im a novice writer so constructive criticism is very much appreciated

Alright, remember, this is constructive. I don't mean to hurt your feelings if you are offended by my review.

1.) Clean up your sentences. I noticed a lot of run on sentences throughout the story, and it sometimes made it hard to follow the storyline. If you could add some commas and periods, and take away some of the conjunctions, it would read a lot better.

2.) Explain parts of the story. It seemed to go too fast when I read it, as some parts should be (like him racing to the competition). But the actual competition should have been longer. You could have explained his struggle to get to the top first. That goes for other parts.

3.) I haven't seen much point to the story; nothing interesting has really happened, and the action (the rock climbing race) was short and right in the beginning. You could try to have that as a climax in the end, or you focus the rest of the story around it. Unless you plan on adding to it later, try to have action and/or suspense periodically throughout the story, to keep the reader interested. Also, since you are adding on to it, try to post it when you have a cliff hanger for the end of the first part, that way we can be excited for the next one.

I'm sorry if you expected a better review, and I'm sorry that I was a little harsh on you, but you need to learn these things if you want to be successful, or at least have people enjoy your work. Anyone can be a great author, it just takes time and you need to learn what people want from a story.

yeah! more of my story! i cant decide if the ending is funny or just stupid, tell me so i can improve, its just the first ending that came to me.

================
...something on the top piece catches my eye.

remember that story a while ago about the people that had a piece of toast with jesus's face on it? it was like that! the coffee spilled out into the shape of Jesus's face onto the paper! at first i couldnt figure out what to do. should i ignore it? or should i do something completely impulsive based on this? i decided to go for the latter. but what should i do?

i didnt know how i could use this to my advantage... money? fame? ... Revenge? yes! revenge! ive just been fired from a job at the science lab! Jesus + science = pwn3d. sealing the paper in a page protector, i planned it out:

phase 1; drive to the lab.
phase 2: show them the paper.
genius.

looking at the glistening surface of the shiny, shiny paper in its holder, i couldnt help but think, "Jesus, you look good today." half an hour later, i am in the car.

i felt like more of a chauffeur or body guard than a driver, escorting Mr. Christ. i looked over at jesus. he doesnt look bad in a seatbelt. i can tell he is happy that i am going to prove to those scientific bastards that he exists. high from my own joy and still, spray paint fumes, i had completely stopped watching the road. i hadnt even noticed until a light poll came up to remind me.

when i woke up, i was staring in to the air bag. my face hurt like hell, but all i could think about was "Jesus! are you ok?". lucky for me my car doesnt have passenger side airbags. checking my watch, i had been knocked out for about one minute. having spent all my money on spray paint and hungry man, i wouldnt be able to pay for a ticket, so i took off the liscence plates and hightailed it outta there.

out of breath, i ran to the nearest car dealership. "i need a car, i need to testdrive one! a car!" i ghasped as i neared a car dealer guy. "may i interest you in our award win-" "ill take this one!" i said, pointing to the first car i saw. a few minutes later i am back on the road. i am no longer in my fume induced trance. the lab is in my vision. so close.

i park as far away as i can as to feel epic in my heroic march to the door. i can taste the bitter defeat of my ex boss in my mouth. it tastes good. it tastes like chicken, if you will. but you dont want a whole other descripion of my walk to the lab, so ill skip forward.

"HA!" i yelled as i pushed my way past security guards, into the main office. "i thought i fired you yesterday!" replied my former slave driver. oh by the way his name is steve. "guess what? Jesus is real!" inconspicuosly, i pulled out my little friend. "... what is that supposed to be?" inquired steve. as i said before, i am no longer dizzy from spray paint fumes. i can now see that jesus is not on my paper, its actually just a stain.

oops.
=============
im thinking of making that the end. like i said in the beginning, is it just stupid or is it actually an ok ending?

At 9/18/07 04:36 PM, TheThing wrote: Fuck! I forgot the review. Oh well, it's here now.

I think it's a great story, but it feels unfinished. I get the meaning, but there is so much more this beginning has to offer. I say keep working on it, and it'll be even better.

You mean mine right?

And I think I can see a lesbian love scene, although it is colliding with flashbacks to my own controversially sex scene. (And that story got requested for a sequal, bitches!)

There was one earlier but it wasn't very long. The stuff I've posted is the latest stuff I've written. It actually started with the main character working at a death camp.

At 9/20/07 12:24 AM, MonkeyV wrote: im thinking of making that the end. like i said in the beginning, is it just stupid or is it actually an ok ending?

I give you an A for climacticism (word?), but yeah, it was pretty stupid. But the whole thing had a non serious air about it, you know?

At 9/19/07 10:07 PM, TheThing wrote:

At 9/18/07 08:04 PM, Light-Aurora wrote:

It just a start to a longer story thats why theres not much happening

At 9/20/07 03:29 PM, Centurion-Ryan wrote:

At 9/20/07 12:24 AM, MonkeyV wrote: im thinking of making that the end. like i said in the beginning, is it just stupid or is it actually an ok ending?

I give you an A for climacticism (word?), but yeah, it was pretty stupid. But the whole thing had a non serious air about it, you know?

yeah i get what your sayin.

say did phantom ever announce the winner of the inanimate object contest?

At 9/20/07 08:05 PM, MonkeyV wrote: say did phantom ever announce the winner of the inanimate object contest?

I can't really because I sort of entered, but if Gun would like to speak up and mention someone, that would be nice, but if we don't here anything by tomorrow, I'll withdraw my entry and judge the others, ok?

At 9/21/07 07:13 AM, Phantom wrote:

say did phantom ever announce the winner of the inanimate object contest?

I can't really because I sort of entered, but if Gun would like to speak up and mention someone, that would be nice, but if we don't here anything by tomorrow, I'll withdraw my entry and judge the others, ok?

He told me to judge but I entered too

hi peeeps has madels been on here recently

At 9/21/07 08:10 AM, madeleine-is-back wrote: hi peeeps has madels been on here recently

why not....To check his posts yourself and find out what every moron would know by now, that he left the place (which I hope you do as personal favor to us really soon) and he posted her last 19 days ago. Get it barbie?

(lol@Dr.Cox?)

I need advice, I have AMAZING ideas for a manga but I have several problems;

1.) I don't know japaneese
2.) I suck at drawing
3.) I live in america

Can anyone offer advice?

At 9/21/07 02:20 PM, smc316 wrote: 1.) I don't know japaneese

Learn it.

2.) I suck at drawing

Practice

3.) I live in america

Move.

loljk. I'd say copyright your idea and sell it to a company. Unless you want to just make it into a real book, sell your idea.

You could also go into a cooperation with someone who does art, and you write the story. And it doesn't have to be in Japanese; you could have ti translated if you want it sold in Japan that bad.

At 9/21/07 02:20 PM, smc316 wrote: I need advice, I have AMAZING ideas for a manga but I have several problems;

1.) I don't know japaneese
2.) I suck at drawing
3.) I live in america

Can anyone offer advice?

I draw manga sometimes but my dog chewed all my books but you dont have to be japannese but you do have to draw good just keep trying I've since moved on to patters and inspirational drawings, but hey what ever floats your boat

yay new story its a tribute tho to 9/11 i know its to late but still its the thought that counts right?

At 9/21/07 02:20 PM, smc316 wrote: I need advice, I have AMAZING ideas for a manga but I have several problems;

1.) I don't know japaneese
2.) I suck at drawing

both can be solved by going to the library

3.) I live in america

your 17, just wait a while and you can move to japan, but of course you will need to have already started on step one.

Can anyone offer advice?

i know a little japanese myself, meaning i know about five words.
i read up on it about two years ago, so you can assume i was less mature at the time.
i know how to say ass (roba), idiot(baka), monkey(itzaturako, i think), strawberry / berry (ichigo), and big (oho, i think). though i did know more when i was looking it up, and im not entirely sure if i was right about those, but like i said, library.

I know a guy who speaks Japanese almost fluently. I used to be able to draw Vegeta. You should get in touch with Akira Toriyama. :D He's awesome.

Anyways...story is being put on hold for a little. Sometimes I'll sit there for thirty minutes like it says in my writer's idea book and try to be productive, but it's hard. I still think of my friend. And today on LIVE someone said my friend died of cancer to get away from me. I know it's just an idiot being an ass, but it still hurt y'know?

On an off topic discussion, Congrats to everyone as we have made a succesful 750 pages. For the 750'th post, I am naming you Leader for the day, So get to posting!

At 9/22/07 12:50 AM, gunground wrote: On an off topic discussion, Congrats to everyone as we have made a succesful 750 pages. For the 750'th post, I am naming you Leader for the day, So get to posting!

My post is the 750th, and we only 25 pages, not 750...But anyway, as new leader of the day, I order you to judge in the contest you started, and do it soon, we are loosing patience.

Thanks for the manga help! I was bored yestardday and came up with this threadin about 30 minutes.