Dear Elfer,

I am beginning to develop feels for a particular girl. Not knowing what will happens next freaks my being out, how do I go about this situation?

At 4/7/13 01:17 AM, T3XT wrote:

At 4/6/13 11:36 PM, Piggler wrote: Better off investing in silver, buddy.

Got it. I'l definitely consider that, thanks.

sell nitrous oxide

At 4/7/13 11:02 AM, ClockworkSpace wrote: yo elfer how do i get my gf to let me eat her out

should i light some candles and play "Danny Brown - I Will" subtly in the background

yo elfer you can take a backseat for this one

Play some barry white and tell her she smells like virginia flowers on a cool morning, start your way at her neck and work your way down to Shepard's Pass

At 4/7/13 01:17 AM, T3XT wrote:

At 4/6/13 11:36 PM, Piggler wrote: Better off investing in silver, buddy.

Got it. I'l definitely consider that, thanks.

I go away for a month and people start advising others to invest in precious metals? No, don't do that. Metals are inflated right now and they're going to tank once real industry picks up again. You're not going to beat the market, just invest in an equity growth ETF or something.

At 4/7/13 10:44 AM, RandomRoarness wrote: Dear Elfer,

I am beginning to develop feels for a particular girl. Not knowing what will happens next freaks my being out, how do I go about this situation?

Um, spend time with her or continue spending time with her? Just be yourself and don't get all weird about it.

At 4/7/13 11:02 AM, ClockworkSpace wrote: yo elfer how do i get my gf to let me eat her out

should i light some candles and play "Danny Brown - I Will" subtly in the background

Nah too obvious. Unfortunately even Dr. Barry White is too camp these days, because our generation of useless hipsters has destroyed everything good in the world by layering it under ten coats of irony.

Still, try to set the mood somehow. You'll have to do some of the leg work on this one because honestly I don't know what's considered sexy for high school kids these days?

Dear Elfer,
I've got problems. Math problems.

At 5/13/13 10:59 PM, Minion777 wrote: Dear Elfer,
I've got problems. Math problems.

Well I mean, how many math problems?

Dear Elfer,

how do I make a bomb?

At 5/16/13 10:05 PM, Slint wrote: Dear Elfer,

how do I make a bomb?

Hire Leonardo DiCaprio to star in a film adaptation of a classic novel.

HEY-O!

At 5/16/13 11:36 PM, Elfer wrote:

At 5/16/13 10:05 PM, Slint wrote: Dear Elfer,

how do I make a bomb?

Hire Leonardo DiCaprio to star in a film adaptation of a classic novel.

HEY-O!

I thought it was a pretty good movie... Anyway, I've got ants. Lots of ants. They whisper to me at night and I can't make it stop. What do I do?

At 5/17/13 12:13 AM, Bobbybroccoli wrote: I thought it was a pretty good movie...

Incorrect but whatever.

Anyway, I've got ants. Lots of ants. They whisper to me at night and I can't make it stop. What do I do?

Do like MacGyver and burn them. Burn them all.

Oh Elfer, why is it that my hockey team insist on frustrating me to no ends?

At 5/28/13 11:22 PM, KillerSkull wrote: Oh Elfer, why is it that my hockey team insist on frustrating me to no ends?

Because if they didn't fuck up a bunch, you wouldn't care if they were doing well.

At 5/28/13 11:24 PM, Travis wrote: Hey yo, Elfer.

You done any rock climbing recently?

Not so much recently. Got out to the gym last week and was feeling strong but got tired fast. Thanks for askin' bro!

Also... I'm going out to lunch with a financial guy tomorrow to talk about a possible internship.

I'm dressing business like and trying to make the best first impression possible.

Anyway, any odd tips to make an even better impression?

Odd tips? Not especially. The best way I know of to make a good impression is to have genuine interest in what you're applying for. The only convincing way to ask a question that shows your interest and enthusiasm is to actually be curious about the answer.

I guess the other thing that's made a good impression on interviewers for me is being open-minded to new ideas, not in the sense that you take all opinions as equally valid no matter how stupid, but being willing to challenge assumptions, including your own. Realize that you can learn something from anyone, not just from people who are more experienced in your specific field.

Also, make sure to find out from the interviewer whether or not the internship is going to provide you with an experience that's useful in terms of your own career goals. This isn't just beneficial to you, it shows you actually give a shit about what you're doing (assuming that you do).

This thread is beautiful. I wish I actually needed advice right now.

At 5/28/13 11:55 PM, TB1ZZL3 wrote: This thread is beautiful. I wish I actually needed advice right now.

Be careful what you wish for, because wish-granting entities almost invariably have a huge boner for ironic twists.

At 5/31/13 08:55 PM, Elfer wrote:

At 5/28/13 11:55 PM, TB1ZZL3 wrote: This thread is beautiful. I wish I actually needed advice right now.

Be careful what you wish for, because wish-granting entities almost invariably have a huge boner for ironic twists.

Makes me think of the fable of Faust an enigmatic wish giver with a sense of humor that would make Hitler cringe, basically fulfilling the anonymous strangers deepest dreams to the letter. He granted literal wishes and came to be by offering his soul to the devil and in exchange received unlimited knowledge and all of the world's greatest pleasures at once. The piece has been the basis of many literary, artistic and cinematic works over the years including a book I read recently "The Wish Giver".

Be careful what you wish for kiddies.

Do you still fix lives, Elfer? I need to know.

At 4/29/15 12:54 PM, SentForMe wrote: Dear @Elfer,
I'd like to get married and have kids at some point, but I am afraid of what would happen if we wound up getting divorced. My parents and the parents of many of my friends got divorced and it was a very unpleasant experience. I do not want that for my future children. Is there any way I can reduce the chance that this will occur or should I just jump in when I feel the time and the person is right and hope for the best?

The best way to reduce the chance that will occur would be to avoid rushing into things because you're worried that you're going to run out of time. If you find you're trying to convince yourself that a particular person is right for you, they probably aren't.

Although it's cliché advice, when looking for "the right one", it's very important to be your genuine self. Single and dating people have a self-destructive tendency to behave differently in order to impress and/or keep a partner, when in reality that's just wasting time you could be using to find someone who likes you for who you really are. Not everyone will, but if people don't like the real you, why spend time with them anyway? This is tough at first, but pays dividends over time. You will surround yourself with true friends and drive away the pretenders.

While in a relationship, don't worry too much about what's fair, don't "keep score". Remember that you and your partner are on the same team, not opposing teams. It takes patience and giving from both sides to stick it out for the long haul.

That said, of course there will always be risk that the relationship will end. People change, people grow apart, people find that living together has become more of a stress on the family than a benefit. This is not necessarily a bad thing, as long as you can carry on an amicable relationship with the other parent of your children, just acknowledging that you no longer want to be married. I know plenty of people who are divorced with children, and while some of them are a little bitter about the marriage falling apart at first, none of them regret those years of their lives or the family that they created. Most of the tension in divorce comes from two partners being adversarial, not from the divorce itself. Again, remember that you're on the same team, and if you have kids, you've put them on the team without their permission, so you have a duty to respect their needs in the arrangement.

Life is all about risk and trade-offs. Doing one thing necessarily requires that you not do another. Opening up and investing a part of yourself in something real creates the risk that you'll get hurt. Many people let this lead them to the worst path of all, which is to be paralyzed by indecision for fear of making the wrong one. All you can do is to do your best.

At 6/20/15 09:54 AM, mysticvortex13 wrote: what i'm trying to do is figure out a new way of thinking. one that makes me self-sufficient. not needing other people's responses to figure out the answers to the world's problems, despite knowing nothing of the world myself. a way to do everything on my own. to forge my path in life.

i realize asking anyone for help whatsoever is a defective solution if i really want this, but.. i cant for the life of me make up my own mind. all i know how to do is use others who know how to make what i want happen. like steve jobs did before me.

Tough one. It's always difficult to start making decisions on your own, particularly if you've heavily relied on others to know what to do. It's like walking on hot coals: Intimidating, but not as bad as you think.

Keep in mind that other people are only human being as well. Everyone is making it up as they go along. Although others may be more informed by experience, they're less informed as to your circumstances than you are. It's perfectly fine to solicit advice, but your decisions (including ones you have made in the past based on what others want) are ultimately your own.

i also know how to force myself into certain situations that would influence my way of thinking, but to change my way of thinking under my own power is something i've been too stubborn to let me do to me.

how do i convince me of whatever it is i want to think instead of what i do think? to convince me of whatever it is i want to desire instead of what i do desire?

It's not like flipping a switch. I find that the only way to change my way of thinking is through experience. One example would be public speaking. Outwardly, I seem to be a fairly confident public speaker. Internally, there's always a voice say "No no no don't do this". Over time, though, that voice has gotten quieter, thanks largely to a new voice saying "You've done this before and it's fine". As with walking on coals, many times moving with confidence is all you need to keep from getting burned.

Experiment with deciding some things for yourself. Start small and work your way up. Occasionally, you'll make the wrong decision, but think about if the consequences were really that bad, or if they're really worse than when you've made decisions based on what other people think. You won't be able to externalize any of the blame, but you also will likely see that you're merely as fallible and human as everyone else.