Reviews Round 3!
I really like the incorporation of the field report into the story, it was able to include a lot of info while moving the story along quickly. This story could have done with some polish. There were quite a few spelling and word choice errors which could have been corrected with another round of editing. In the first part there were a lot of instances were you were a little too wordy, but maybe that was part of the genre hopping? It's hard to not overexplain. I liked the plot overall, even though the WBF's total control of the UK govt seemed a little far fetched for a story set so near in the future.
This one was very funny, and there was plenty of hopping when it came to rhyming styles. Some rhymes repeated just the same words, which I'm not sure you're supposed to do. (That's why I don't do poetry, too many rules!!) I liked the parts where the characters broke the first wall and the bit about censorship. It was fairly nonsensical when it came to plot, but I'm relatively sure that was intentional.
First off, I actually really like the story. But you really need to proofread. You've got a whole lotta run-on sentences. Break those suckers up and maybe put some paragraph breaks in there while you're at it. Lots of grammar mistakes too which take away from the story. Like I said, the story itself has some cool ideas, but your execution just kind of fell through.
I left this story feeling a little unfulfilled. I wanted to know what was in the box, why it was in her house, and what that noise was! I thought the part where it turned into a movie adaptation was priceless and several of the lines were pretty funny. Sometimes your writing is a bit to repetitive, for instance you say the character Jen's name over and over again in the beginning. Since she's the only character we're dealing with, you can get away by just saying she. The readers will know who you're talking about. Make sure that you show and don't tell the action. Instead of saying "Jen was really scared now." Describe how she was scared. It will make everything seem more personal and helps draw the reader in. One thing that bugged me was when 2 characters both tried to use random combinations from completely unrelated things to try to open the box, that didn't really make much sense to me. Be careful about leaving things hanging, like when you mention Jen's "little adventure at the zoo." Since you never explain it or use it again, it loses its meaning.
I'm being nitpicky because you've got a lot of the basics down. I think with continued writing practice your stories will only improve!
I'm getting into the longer entries now, so my already glacial pace might slow down even more, but I still intend to review all of them!