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Things to put on your Dick (safely)

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phrozonfire
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Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 12:37:29

Given people are always scared of experimenting I have offered this useful thread just so you can see what works and what doesnt without the pain. Being the man I am, I have stuck my dick in just about everything, so I have vast experience in this department. Below I a list of things I have put on my dick that feel good (and not so good):

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Spicy stuff
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Spicy Mexican Vegetable (i.e. peppers, jalepenos, etc)--- Salsas and mashed skins surprisingly do not burn as long as nothing gets into the uretha. Grease and seeds BURN LIKE FUCK, but only if they are not diluted, saliva is a dilute. If you want to be safe wait 40 minutes after eating or have her drink a glass of milk or a banana.

Curry---Avoid. It tends to get sticky so it can cling for long periods of time. (That means it can cling to any wrinkle or OPENING) Thus while it may not burn during initial contact, if anything keeps going down and you get overstimulated or chafed...youre fucked.

Wasabai (however the fuck you spell it)-- Surprisingly does not burn. I think it has to do with its mushy/waxy complexion so it cant cling well to the mouth and unless forced it cant get into holes very well (if it does, run like fuck and dip your dick in any dairy based product or Vaseline.)

Hot Sauces- Fucking Satan incarnate.If you want a burn or a rash if you enjoy that stuff, slather this stuff on. Some of them are so hot they will cause you to BREAK OUT IN RASHES. The medication did not feel good.

In general, if the substance is a liquid or has a low viscosity (i.e. greases, slimes, sauces) avoid, they can become sticky and cause chafing which then the spicy factor comes in. Also they sit on the saliva and get into the urethra. To fix either have girl ingest a slice of bread, drink a glass of milk, or eat a mushed banana. If inflicted, stick your dink into any liquid dairy product (get a cup you stupid fuck, and only a tiny bit) and swirl around. Vaseline is a god send if you have no dairy products. WATER GENERALLY WILL NOT WORK UNLESS SCRUBBED AT AND THAT IS A VERY SENSITIVE PART OF YOUR BODY.

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Chemicals and Medicinal Items
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Bleach--- Yes my dick has come into contact with bleach before. No it was not submersed, and no it didnt touch the hole. After contact, lets just say a small section on the bottom of my dick looks like Harvey Dent after the explosion.

Tooth Paste--- This one is a very dangerous double edged sword. Small amounts lathered on the shaft can create an amazing tingling effect on the dick. Put too much it will dehydrate your skin, cause sores, and if residue is left on for more then thirty minutes it will harden into a shell. This shell must slowly be washed off bit by bit via soft rubbing, any other way will remove layers of skin. I shit you not, remove that shit like its surgery.
NEVER MAKE CONTACT WITH THE HOLE GOD DAMNIT. Even the tiniest bit will burn, and it tends to get stuck up there. Nothing but a cue tip will end your pain.

Windex and other Squirt Chemicals--- Prolonged exposure causes irritation, feels exactly like saliva or water until irritation occurs so no benefits.

Bengay and Icyhot--- Yes you knew this was coming. It feels like your dick and balls are dipped into the arctic shelf then set out on a tabled and ironed. Oddly it wasn't as bad as people make it out to be, and if you truly want the burning sensation without the danger I would recommend this.

Cough Syrup and asthma spray --- No effect, only tried Nyquil so other types should be handled with care. My dick did become a tiny bit tingly for a while after I let it dry but nothing notable.

Generally things designed to clean have strong bases in them, so avoidance of these would be best.

Medical creams designed to be muscle stimulants or reacts are very useful for unique feelings, but can cause huge discomfort if not used properly. Can also provide good lube (vaseline, lotion, obvious shit, ect)
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Dairy Products and other Perishable Goods
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Milk or other dairy liquid-- Extremely. Fucking. Soothing. Cold it can create a sense of relief for irritated dicks and can literally be a lifesaver if your lady friend has worn you out and wants more. It can give you an extra amount of time!
Heated it can become a relaxant that will literally make your shoulders slump. Have girl put some in her mouth and go wild.

Jell-O--- Jell-O can give you an interesting masturbation tool, as you break it up it becomes a bit liquidy but the chunks also offer friction that feels awesome. Downside is you have to be in a cold place if you want to go for a long time.

Fruit Juices- Offer no bonuses. Alot of them have acids that will burn like fuck if put on, the rest just become sticky and hard to properly wash off without scrubbing.

Sodas- Sodas are alot like tooth paste. They offer some interesting feelings, but they can fuck you up. Simply sticking your dick into a freshly opened can or cup of soda feels amazing. The carbon bubbles tickle your dick like crasy. DO NOT YANK IN IT THOUGH. The instant it gets inside your pee hole youre fucked. It burns like hell. Also sodas can become sticky very quickly and caused chafing if not washed off thoroughly with soap.
I made the mistake of just continuing on after pulling it out. Couldnt do anything for a week.
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I will update as more information becomes available, you horny reprobates.


"I think it passing odd that I am loved by one for a kindness I never did, and reviled by so many for my finest act." ~ Jaime Lannister

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phrozonfire
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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 12:39:44

Also try dipping your balls into a glass of coke, the bubbles feel nice.


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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 12:40:19

Anyone who purposly puts icy hot on their cock doesn't deserve one.

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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 12:44:50

Cough syrup?? Bleach?? Tooth Paste? you really love putting weird stuff on your dick

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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 12:46:48

I hadn't decided what I was going to do for the day, until I read this.

Thank you, OP.

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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 12:48:47

forthe first time in my life I am rendered speechless.

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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 12:49:53

At 12/8/10 12:41 PM, Otto wrote: This is the most informative thing ever written on Newgrounds, to a Newgrounds BBS user.

We might have to get this stickied, considering the average Newgrounder.


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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 12:56:11

deep heat is pretty soothing


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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 13:01:56

At 12/8/10 12:58 PM, Jawdyn wrote: *NEVER SOAP

Summary
NEVER SOAP

my personal Christmas present to you all

um.. what?

people use soap to clean their dicks all the time - what are you talking about..?

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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 13:05:46

BREAKING NEWS

Never, EVER use those anti-bacterial hand things on your dick.
The alcohol in it DRIES UP YOUR DICK MAKING THE SKIN CRACK, and if it gets in your piss-hole, forget about it.


"I think it passing odd that I am loved by one for a kindness I never did, and reviled by so many for my finest act." ~ Jaime Lannister

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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 14:21:03

Getting blown with pop rocks is an odd experience, if you can, i would try it. strnge but worth the experience


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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 14:33:52

At 12/8/10 02:29 PM, Tetros wrote: Add Ben Gay to the list.

Read again. I shall update my experience with pop rocks later.


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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 14:45:24

At 12/8/10 01:02 PM, Jawdyn wrote: Chron, just trust me with this one.

NEVER SOAP

but.. how will I wash myself..?

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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 14:54:01

At 12/8/10 02:45 PM, Chronamut wrote:
At 12/8/10 01:02 PM, Jawdyn wrote: Chron, just trust me with this one.

NEVER SOAP
but.. how will I wash myself..?

No, he means shampoo. Stings in your dickhole.


"I think it passing odd that I am loved by one for a kindness I never did, and reviled by so many for my finest act." ~ Jaime Lannister

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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 14:57:40

At 12/8/10 02:54 PM, phrozonfire wrote:
At 12/8/10 02:45 PM, Chronamut wrote:
At 12/8/10 01:02 PM, Jawdyn wrote: Chron, just trust me with this one.

NEVER SOAP
but.. how will I wash myself..?
No, he means shampoo. Stings in your dickhole.

er.. soap =/= shampoo..

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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 15:00:45

Please, don't do that...

Super GLUE FTW! rofl Did anyone watch this movie and laughed a LOT???

Things to put on your Dick (safely)


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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 15:02:44

a human mouth for over an hour.

trust me.

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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 15:19:32

Try chucking a few fire ants on there next time.


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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 15:44:05

To help out Jawdyn, I'd like to summarize what happens with soap masturbation.

It's really interesting at first -- great feeling. It soon goes away, depending on how sensitive your skin is. You're left with god-awful sores on the head and bottom of the shaft. IT BURNS.

Sure, you can soap it up to clean it, but do not use soap as a pleasure tool. You're going to be in agony afterwards.

Also, cum mixed with soap suds is probably harder to get out of hair than cement glue. Very unpleasant.


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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 15:51:13

At 12/8/10 03:44 PM, Ronald-McDonald-LoL wrote:

I do and don't want to know how you know this at the same time.


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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 15:57:22

I think I'll just stick to Vaseline, and Lotion, thanks though.


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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 15:59:50

Do you know what I put on my dick? Butter.

It feels so god damn amazing, plus I can lick it off after I'm done.

not really
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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 16:01:51

At 12/8/10 03:59 PM, 1337Ratez2k9 wrote: Do you know what I put on my dick? Butter.

It feels so god damn amazing, plus I can lick it off after I'm done.

not really

I will try this.
And ironraven24, vaseline is bad because it is very water resistant and therefore very hard to wash off.


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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 16:03:19

At 12/8/10 04:01 PM, phrozonfire wrote:
And ironraven24, vaseline is bad because it is very water resistant and therefore very hard to wash off.

Yeah, but at least it doesn't hurt my dick.

(

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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 16:06:00

you forgot to add a woman.


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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 16:19:39

At first, I was like "XD" But then I was like ":I" and then I was like "Frogrocket :V"


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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 16:28:57

At 12/8/10 03:02 PM, Chronamut wrote: a human mouth for over an hour.

trust me.

You found something to say that?


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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 16:29:52

This thread now belongs with the great and memorable BBS threads and this user should be now commended as one of the great BBS users of our time.

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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 16:32:21

At 12/8/10 02:29 PM, Tetros wrote: Add Gay Ben to the list.

When did valve come into this?

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Response to Things to put on your Dick (safely) 2010-12-08 16:32:56

At 12/8/10 04:29 PM, SouthAsian wrote: This thread now belongs with the great and memorable BBS threads and this user should be now commended as one of the great BBS users of our time.

This user has made me more intelligent with the world around me. He deserves a medal.


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