Dubbi's Poetry

[Dubbi]

I more of a story kind of guy, but I have attempted poetry and this my result. I don't think it's that great, but I'm interested in hearing what you think.

This iust a short little poem about time and how none can escape it.

The Devil Called Time

Time's a nefarious king

Mercy, he'll never bring

Clemency he will not grant

Says, be allowed it can't

Not for anyone

Person, place nor thing

This is a borderline emo poem inspired by Seasonal Affective Disorder

A Winter Depression

Winter silently approaches
With sadness in her trails
A glistening whiteness falls
But an internal storm hails

Children mistake her for Providence
And leave angels indented
But in snow, the devil masquerades
Whose sins are never repented

Happiness was a surmountable hill
Before being destroyed by her chill
The origin of my suffering, I confide
The terrible blizzard raging inside

I will write more if you like my poetry.

[TrevorW]

I really enjoyed this one. Spot on mate.

The Devil Called Time

Time's a nefarious king

Mercy, he'll never bring

Clemency he will not grant

Says, be allowed it can't

Not for anyone

Person, place nor thing

[stimcrab]

While I did enjoy the seasonal theme (for the second one), I wish they were a bit longer. I feel as if they'd be a lot better if they'd have a meter and a rhythm. Trochaic, perhaps.

I really enjoyed the first one, and I think it could be sprawled out over a bunch of small poems about a king (real or figurative), his kingdom, and his subjects.

The second one started off really well. "Winter silently approaches" is a very good opening line. However, I believe that at the end it got a bit to self-absorbed, if you know what I mean. Perhaps if you kept it just about winter, you could keep the origin of the sufferings deal, just make winter an extended metaphor.

I'm looking forward to reading more of your poetry (or whatever you submit), and I don't mind if you whored yourself a bit!

[Dubbi]

At 2/6/10 10:10 PM, stimcrab wrote:

I'm looking forward to reading more of your poetry (or whatever you submit), and I don't mind if you whored yourself a bit!

Thanks for the advice! (and to make a bigger whore of myself) Please read my short story, Anxiety. :)

[stimcrab]

At 2/6/10 10:21 PM, Dubbi wrote:

At 2/6/10 10:10 PM, stimcrab wrote:

I'm looking forward to reading more of your poetry (or whatever you submit), and I don't mind if you whored yourself a bit!

Thanks for the advice! (and to make a bigger whore of myself) Please read my short story, Anxiety. :)

Could you provide a link?

[TrevorW]

At 2/7/10 12:16 AM, stimcrab wrote:

At 2/6/10 10:21 PM, Dubbi wrote:

At 2/6/10 10:10 PM, stimcrab wrote:

I'm looking forward to reading more of your poetry (or whatever you submit), and I don't mind if you whored yourself a bit!

Thanks for the advice! (and to make a bigger whore of myself) Please read my short story, Anxiety. :)

Could you provide a link?

Needing a link to something on the front page...

[Cyberdevil]

The Devil Called Time sounds pretty good, the other one feels a bit out of sync, always nice with rhymes but they don't flow very well. Keep it up!

[Dubbi]

The Long Road to Heaven

A sight
What a sight
An eternal light

But a path
What a path
Whose difficulty
Makes god laugh

Promised perennial ecstasy
But an internal perplexity
What if I concede
And do the terrible deeds

Gluttony and greed
Cause me to heed
And envy and addiction
May grant me
An infernal conviction

Oh, but a hope
What a hope
And with it I'll cope

If I accept him
I'll be forgiven
And the Devil
Will be riven

A sight
What a sight
And I'll be there
Another night

[PaNicATtaCk64]

I like your poetry it seems original... Which is rare...here

(But do I detect a religious vein?)

[Dubbi]

At 2/7/10 01:18 PM, PaNicATtaCk64 wrote: I like your poetry it seems original... Which is rare...here

(But do I detect a religious vein?)

I'm not too religious, but my last piece was on religion and how how hard it is to be good, but hope and believng in God makes it easier.

[MonkeyV]

At 2/6/10 09:28 PM, Dubbi wrote: The Devil Called Time

Mercy, he'll never bring
...
Says, be allowed it can't
...

Switching around clauses to make rhymes is something that really annoys me :/
But otherwise, an enjoyable poem =)

A Winter Depression

The origin of my suffering, I confide
The terrible blizzard raging inside

I especially liked these lines here.

Kinda reminds me of Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence by Dream Theater, if you've ever heard it.

[Dubbi]

At 2/7/10 02:18 PM, MonkeyV wrote:

At 2/6/10 09:28 PM, Dubbi wrote: The Devil Called Time

Mercy, he'll never bring
...
Says, be allowed it can't
...

Switching around clauses to make rhymes is something that really annoys me :/
But otherwise, an enjoyable poem =)

I don't understand what you're saying about switching around clauses, please elaborate.
Also I'll check out the song you mentioned! :)

[MonkeyV]

At 2/7/10 02:22 PM, Dubbi wrote:

At 2/7/10 02:18 PM, MonkeyV wrote: Switching around clauses to make rhymes is something that really annoys me :/
But otherwise, an enjoyable poem =)

I don't understand what you're saying about switching around clauses, please elaborate.

"Says, be allowed it can't" as opposed to "Says it can't be allowed."
I know you did it for rhyme or feeling or whatever, but it sounds kinda awkward in my head.

Also I'll check out the song you mentioned! :)

Alright. Be forewarned, though, it's 42 minutes long and split into 8 tracks =P

[Dubbi]

At 2/7/10 02:30 PM, MonkeyV wrote: "Says, be allowed it can't" as opposed to "Says it can't be allowed."
I know you did it for rhyme or feeling or whatever, but it sounds kinda awkward in my head.

Also I'll check out the song you mentioned! :)

Alright. Be forewarned, though, it's 42 minutes long and split into 8 tracks =P

Ah, now I get it and yes I wrote it like that for the sole sake of rhyming, although I thought it gave my poem a short of antiquated quality. And about the dream theater song, er nevermind. :P

[Dubbi]

Why I write

Life's not great
World filled with hate
Mind in bad state
As of late

But In my own land
With a pen at hand
I write the precedents
Not former presidents

The sky's never dark
Misery not stark
Oceans glisten blue
All on my cue

I write
And write
All night
A world
So bright
With bliss
And a
Kiss
Utter
Happiness

Words have the power
At this fateful hour
No need to cower
Don't need to bow
It' my story now

[Dubbi]

This is one of my older poems, so it lacks my new style.

Running away

Nowhere to be found
Left without a sound
Searchers in distress
Over what we had called pest
Left behind no note
No warning, he wrote
But it would be seen written on his face
If we had walked at his pace
But being too caught up in our affairs
We disregarded his miserable glares
Now our son's away
A realization, we've gone astray
He now runs through the fields
But his parents refuse to yield
Steadfast we search, and then reunite
With a child struck by fright
Tears fall as we embrace
To home let's make haste
Off we go with hugs and a kiss
Our family finally filled with bliss

[megakill]

At 2/8/10 08:57 PM, Dubbi wrote: Why I write

Judging by this poem alone, we are writing opposites. You've used a solid structure, with a nice rhyming pattern, and you've managed to do it without it damaging your content. I prefer to write with more of a free-verse style, which is why you interested me. What's more is that your claiming when you write, your creating your own world, one where everything can be how you see fit and funnily enough, my work often tells tales of my destruction and betrayal, and all my hate and envy. It's like your alpha and I'm omega, you're the beginning and I'm the end. I like your view of your work, and how you see it as a chance to make things the way they should be!
We are very different, but as they say: "opposites always attract"
Good job man!

oh the references!

[Dubbi]

At 2/11/10 03:14 PM, megakill wrote:
Judging by this poem alone, we are writing opposites. You've used a solid structure, with a nice rhyming pattern, and you've managed to do it without it damaging your content. I prefer to write with more of a free-verse style, which is why you interested me. What's more is that your claiming when you write, your creating your own world, one where everything can be how you see fit and funnily enough, my work often tells tales of my destruction and betrayal, and all my hate and envy. It's like your alpha and I'm omega, you're the beginning and I'm the end. I like your view of your work, and how you see it as a chance to make things the way they should be!
We are very different, but as they say: "opposites always attract"
Good job man!

oh the references!

Thanks man and yes it appears that we are quite the opposites. I'll have to read some of your work. And if you don't mind, please read this story of mine. The feedback has been mixed and I'm thinking about rewriting it.
http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1143 834

[Dubbi]

Although it's a bit of a diversion from the style I'm trying to aquire, I still think Betrayal, my latest poem, is pretty good.
Betrayal

In a moment of despair
Your dishonest face
Was caught by my glare
Unparalleled sadness
Brings great vulnerability
And with both I was rife
Which does much to explain
The dreaded bloody knife
It used to be just happiness
But now it's also trust, I lack
Made so blatantly apparent
By the wound in my back

[TrevorW]

I enjoyed your poem. A few tips however
1) Consider what rhymes look haphazard...words that only half rhyme are dangerous.
2) Think about adding punctuation...of only periods to give breaks for the reader.

[Dubbi]

Life

Marching towards the future
We can't say it was a bad past
But the sad thing about the past
Is it never seems to last
Where has it gone?
Lost, and never found
Oh the constant laughter
Was truly a beautiful sound
It can't be relived
But regardless we'll try
To reenter that paradise
Where we lied on fields
Staring up at the bright sky
But the sky has darkened
At least from the view
Of my desolate bed
And although my ceiling's
Been painted a drearier hue
It could be black, instead
But enough of my room
The outdoors await
So, please my friends
Do not hesitate
Our lives will brighten
If we earnestly attempt
Happiness is palpable
Not just solely dreamt
I beg you my friends
As life we're marching through
Remember the old times
And make it start anew

[Dubbi]

I think this is one of the most important poems I've written. Feedback would be greatly appreciated.

Never Lose Hope

God if you yourself
Exist
Why hath you
Cursed me so
Why does this plague
Persist
Good I am
Or at least
I try to be
So please, God
Listen to my plea
So sick I am
I'm burning
Like the rising sun
And what lies on the table
Now looks so auspicious
The devil's loaded gun
Senile sweat slides down
My tender forehead
God, is the only cure
A happy death by led?
But wait what is this
My cursed flu subsiding
I'm cooling down
No longer a frown
Hope is ever gliding
God you've listened to my plea
And from my anguish
I've been set free

[TrevorW]

I'm not sure about the form of this one. It has a good rhythm, but it isn't my favorite. At any rate nice job.

[stimcrab]

I really like this one. I agree on its importance. I enjoy its lack of meter (I think), and how it is formed is very very good. I can't stress that enough. I say it's one of the better poems you've written.

[TrevorW]

At 2/13/10 07:45 PM, stimcrab wrote: I really like this one. I agree on its importance. I enjoy its lack of meter (I think), and how it is formed is very very good. I can't stress that enough. I say it's one of the better poems you've written.

I agree, he is getting better! Keep writing Dubbi :)

[Dubbi]

I think this is one of my more beautiful poems. It's just about the ocean.

The Ocean

The beauty of the ocean
Sets my mind in motion
A vast blue wonder
Her great waters thunder
And the constant undulation
Has never failed to

Mesmerize
These thankful
Eyes
Wherein lies
The prize
Much coveted
By the envious skies

The glistening glory
Whose wondrous waves
Tell the superb story
Of the beautiful slaves
Who resides in the
Dazzling hue
Of the
Ocean
Blue

[TrevorW]

At 2/13/10 08:07 PM, Dubbi wrote:

I see a restless ocean with a person onlooking. The motion amazes the person.

This poem had a much better flow and the shape added to it.

[stimcrab]

At 2/13/10 08:07 PM, Dubbi wrote: I think this is one of my more beautiful poems. It's just about the ocean.

Best one yet... I think. Nice use of rhyme scheme!

[Dubbi]

At 2/14/10 12:50 PM, stimcrab wrote:
Best one yet... I think. Nice use of rhyme scheme!

Thanks and also don't forget to read and comment on this short story, I think it's my best story yet! :)
http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1145 022

[Dubbi]

Childhood Ignorance

I was young too
Many years ago
Little, innocent boy
I used to be like you
But sadly, that was
Many years ago

Your childish smile
Had once blessed my lips
In the forgotten days
Of nostalgic childhood
But for no one
Life skips
The bad
The vile
The unfair
Life's a
Trial

With the jury
Unanimously
Against you
But little boy
Don't get blue
Life has not yet
Gotten to
You