The Wrath of Mother Nature

[Dubbi]

I worked pretty hard on this story and I hope you like it. Personally, I think it's one of my better works.

The Wrath of Mother Nature

The Tahoe trail was mysteriously foggy that autumn evening and Michael Stevens could barely see the imprints of the trees and bushes twenty meters away. Contributing to solemn mood, the clouds overhead were painted with a dreary grey hue and if rain fell, lightning would definitely follow. Most people would heed these omens and retreat to the comfort of their homes, where the only fear of being soaked from above would come from a relaxing shower whose warm droplets would melt the day's trouble away. But Michael had promised his children, Jake and Eva, today would be the day they'd venture into Tahoe. He planned his day accordingly and left work early, with a free schedule. All day the weather had been perfect, the sun shined brightly, the wind blew lightly and peacefully and could only be detected if you were trying to feel its playful hug, and the sky radiated with a bright blue color, free of oppression from clouds. He had considered it unnecessary to consult a weather forecast before departing into nature's path, assuming that the sky of earlier would remain, but Michael should have been taught never to assume!

"Dad can we home, I'm tired, exclaimed Eva, the youngest child.
"Quit being such a baby", ordered Jake
"I'm not, it's scary and it's going to rain. I want go home!"
"A little more sweetie, you said you wanted to go hiking for weeks", her father retorted.
"But it's cold and I'm hungry."
"I'm not, I can continue for hours without food, Jake boasted, always feeling the need to show his superiority over his sister."
"Okay, I think it's time for dinner. I packed sandwiches, and Jake act respectful towards your sister."
The family's hike was adjourned as they sat down on a wide patch of grass and attempted to have a pleasant picnic. Michael retrieved the sandwiches from the basket and gave a turkey and baloney sandwich to Jake and Eva respectively.
"I hate turkey", Jake screamed with enough force to reveal he meant it.
"Well you're the one who said that you could go hours without eating. So why don't you? Eve inquired with a mischievous smile.
"Shut up!"
"You shut up!'
"How about both you shut up and enjoy your dinner", Michael wailed exasperatedly.
"But dad, I hate turkey", Jake cried franticly.
Adding to Michael's anguish the skies started to throw a tantrum too. The rain was initially unthreatening: barely discernible drops leaped playfully from their diaphanous abode. This was only a minor annoyance and the family disregarded it, mainly because the children were too afraid that mentioning the dribbling would further frustrate their father. But soon Mother Nature made herself impossible to ignore; her tears crashed down on Michael's picnic with startling ferocity. The feast that Jake loved so much was suspended as the trio ascended and darted towards the entrance of the trail. The journey home was strenuous and uncomfortable. Their drenched clothes impaired their ability to navigate through the woods nimbly and the poor visibility rendered matters even worse.
Suddenly the family's dash was halted as Eva decided to stop moving.
"Eva what are you doing! Do you want to get left behind? Let's go!" Michael cried.
"I'm tired, and wet. I'm not running anymore"
"Well you're bound to get wetter if you just stand there all night!"
At this prediction sorrowful tears started to glide down Eva's face; tears that no father could accept. Michael returned to Eva, lifted her, and the trio resumed their retreat, although this time with only two pairs of legs running. Soon, the exit of their suffering was in sight thus expediting their sprint. Eva asked to be relinquished and she and Jake raced towards the sanctuary of the car with their father not far behind. Once the rejoiced family entered the vehicle, a conversation initiated concerning how they'd spend the rest of the evening.
"Dad that was fun I guess, but next time can we just go to the movies?" Jake inquired.
"How about we just go now?" Michael responded.

Writing the children's reply would be superfluous and rather than boring you with the obvious details, I'll trust that you could infer whether they accepted or not.

[TrevorW]

At 2/12/10 06:41 PM, Dubbi wrote: I worked pretty hard on this story and I hope you like it. Personally, I think it's one of my better works.

The Wrath of Mother Nature

The Tahoe trail was mysteriously foggy that autumn evening and Michael Stevens could barely see the imprints of the trees and bushes twenty meters away. Contributing to [the] solemn mood, the clouds overhead were painted with a dreary grey hue[;] and[,] if rain fell, lightning would definitely follow. Most people would heed these omens and retreat to the comfort of their homes, where the only fear of being soaked from above would come from a relaxing shower whose warm droplets would melt the day's trouble away. But Michael had promised his children, Jake and Eva, today would be the day they'd venture into Tahoe. He planned his day accordingly and left work early, with a free schedule. All day the weather had been perfect[:] the sun shined brightly[;] the wind blew lightly and peacefully[,] and could only be detected if you were trying to feel its playful hug[;] and the sky radiated with a bright blue color, free of oppression from clouds. He had considered it unnecessary to consult a weather forecast before departing into nature's path, assuming that the sky of earlier would remain, but Michael should have been taught never to assume!

"Dad can we home, I'm tired, exclaimed Eva, the youngest child.
"Quit being such a baby", ordered Jake
"I'm not, it's scary and it's going to rain. I want go home!"
"A little more sweetie, you said you wanted to go hiking for weeks", her father retorted.
"But it's cold and I'm hungry."
"I'm not, I can continue for hours without food, Jake boasted, always feeling the need to show his superiority over his sister."
"Okay, I think it's time for dinner. I packed sandwiches, and Jake act respectful towards your sister."
The family's hike was adjourned as they sat down on a wide patch of grass and attempted to have a pleasant picnic. Michael retrieved the sandwiches from the basket and gave a turkey and baloney sandwich to Jake and Eva respectively.
"I hate turkey", Jake screamed with enough force to reveal he meant it.
"Well you're the one who said that you could go hours without eating. So why don't you? Eve inquired with a mischievous smile.
"Shut up!"
"You shut up!'
"How about both you shut up and enjoy your dinner", Michael wailed exasperatedly.

First time I have seen "exasperatedly" used..and used correctly. This word is actually a joke between me and a friend! Nice.

"But dad, I hate turkey", Jake cried franticly.
Adding to Michael's anguish the skies started to throw a tantrum too. The rain was initially unthreatening: barely discernible drops leaped playfully from their diaphanous abode. This was only a minor annoyance and the family disregarded it, mainly because the children were too afraid that mentioning the dribbling would further frustrate their father. But soon Mother Nature made herself impossible to ignore; her tears crashed down on Michael's picnic with startling ferocity. The feast [word choice seems inane considering the actual meal] that Jake loved so much was suspended as the trio ascended and darted towards the entrance of the trail. The journey home was strenuous and uncomfortable. Their drenched clothes impaired their ability to navigate through the woods nimbly and the poor visibility rendered matters even worse.
Suddenly the family's dash was halted as Eva decided to stop moving.
"Eva what are you doing! Do you want to get left behind? Let's go!" Michael cried.
"I'm tired, and wet. I'm not running anymore"
"Well you're bound to get wetter if you just stand there all night!"
At this prediction sorrowful tears started to glide down Eva's face; tears that no father could accept. Michael returned to Eva, lifted her, and the trio resumed their retreat, although this time with only two pairs of legs running. Soon, the exit of their suffering was in sight thus expediting their sprint. [Word choice, this is really wordy] Eva asked to be relinquished [Word Choice] and she and Jake raced towards the sanctuary of the car with their father not far behind. Once the rejoiced family entered the vehicle, a conversation initiated [Word Choice] concerning how they'd spend the rest of the evening.
"Dad that was fun I guess, but next time can we just go to the movies?" Jake inquired.
"How about we just go now?" Michael responded.

Writing the children's reply would be superfluous and rather than boring you with the obvious details, I'll trust that you could infer whether they accepted or not.

Your major problem when you write is a minor one, be thankful. YOU WRITE WITH WORDS THAT SIMPLY DO NOT FIT THE HUMBLE STORY! I underlined and commented on some of the word choices that I didn't feel belonged, and I also marked what I feel to be punctuation mistakes (Don't TRUST me on those but I tried).

I felt some back meaning to this story, which I will not reveal because I do not feel that others should get out of thinking; however, I will say that they were well placed. I can see you have brains in that head of yours -- or it was just by chance...either way (lol).

The characters were strong and the speaking parts felt real.
The end was crisp and clear and the over all story had a nice pace. (It did feel a little fast at times but I'll live with it).
The grammar and spelling were pretty good.
The plot was stable and well thought out.
I really felt a flow and I liked the story.

Consider revising some of the word choices.

Good work.

Cheers!

[Dubbi]

I chose the word "feast" to express irony. The irony was that Jake hated the meal annd I was saying how he loved the feast. Thanks for the advice and I'll try to refrain from sounding wordy although I think I've improved since posting The Pessimist in Paradise. :)

[TrevorW]

At 2/12/10 08:07 PM, Dubbi wrote: I chose the word "feast" to express irony. The irony was that Jake hated the meal annd I was saying how he loved the feast. Thanks for the advice and I'll try to refrain from sounding wordy although I think I've improved since posting The Pessimist in Paradise. :)

Ok, that was another possibility that I considered. May I suggest that you make that word italic? It provides the emphasis that would display the feeling of irony.

And yes you are doing much better!

[Ravariel]

Excellent scene, well described and well-paced.

A couple things did strum a dissonant chord to me, though. One of which TrevorW already mentioned, and that is words too big for the tone of the story. Expidite, diaphonous abode, ascended (which not only sounded off, but I don't think is really what you wanted to say as there wasn't any other mention of their trek being up or downhill. Ascension usually implies a longer upward trend than just standing from a seated position.), relinquished, rejoiced, etc. As one who is often more enamored of a well-turned phrase than to the more apt one, I can understand the desire, but in such a simple story, often the best way to make your point is to say it simply.

The second thing is the ending... what there is of it. It just kind of trails off. A sentence like: "Michael turned on the car, waited for the fog on the windows to clear and pulled away from the trail, heading home to a dry change of clothes and a meal more satisfactory than soggy turkey." would end the tale with more of a period rather than the unfinished ellipses than it seems to, now. Even something as simple as changing the last word Michael says to "home" might do the trick.

And if you wanted to expand it from the flash-fiction realm, you could really have something good there. Maybe a more detailed account of the father's struggle to make the hike happen, of the unpleasantness of the trip itself, the trip home and maybe Michael realizing that the events of the trip were less important to the kids than actually being with their father... could be very powerful, and you have a great place to start.

Keep writing. It sounds like you have a good voice there and with some polish could do very well, indeed.

[Dubbi]

At 2/13/10 07:39 PM, Ravariel wrote: Excellent scene, well described and well-paced.

A couple things did strum a dissonant chord to me, though. One of which TrevorW already mentioned, and that is words too big for the tone of the story. Expidite, diaphonous abode, ascended (which not only sounded off, but I don't think is really what you wanted to say as there wasn't any other mention of their trek being up or downhill. Ascension usually implies a longer upward trend than just standing from a seated position.), relinquished, rejoiced, etc. As one who is often more enamored of a well-turned phrase than to the more apt one, I can understand the desire, but in such a simple story, often the best way to make your point is to say it simply.

The second thing is the ending... what there is of it. It just kind of trails off. A sentence like: "Michael turned on the car, waited for the fog on the windows to clear and pulled away from the trail, heading home to a dry change of clothes and a meal more satisfactory than soggy turkey." would end the tale with more of a period rather than the unfinished ellipses than it seems to, now. Even something as simple as changing the last word Michael says to "home" might do the trick.

Keep writing. It sounds like you have a good voice there and with some polish could do very well, indeed.

Wow great advice! :) I guess my would choice was a bit too fancy although I did like using "diaphonous abode", I thought it was more clever than just writing "cloud". I did not know that about the word "ascend" and it appears that I've been misusing it in several of my works, I thought it just meant to get up.... In regards to the ending, I wanted it to be a little ambigious and not just that generic, they live happily ever after cliche. I thought it would be interesting to end the story where the author doesn't tell what happens, but makes it obvious. Although I might just change it from going to the movies to going home. Well, thanks for the responce! :)

[stimcrab]

I think that you aren't necessarily matching your word choice with your prose. It's good, but I like your poetry better.

[Dubbi]

At 2/14/10 04:06 PM, stimcrab wrote: I think that you aren't necessarily matching your word choice with your prose. It's good, but I like your poetry better.

How so? I'd appreciate it if you can elaborate.

[stimcrab]

At 2/14/10 04:11 PM, Dubbi wrote:

At 2/14/10 04:06 PM, stimcrab wrote: I think that you aren't necessarily matching your word choice with your prose. It's good, but I like your poetry better.

How so? I'd appreciate it if you can elaborate.

I feel that you sort of overused lofty language. This story was meant to be simple and unassuming, if I interpreted it correctly. If you want one of your themes to be simplicity, you should use simpler language. And as for why I like your poetry better, I enjoy your meter (or lack thereof) and your form!

[fanficmaster101]

Honestly I sorta like it
you have a good word choice and some mistakes in grammer but a good story line.

[Bluenile]

I like your writing for it is very fluent and flows through nicely. One thing I would consider is getting rid of some of the lofty language, it does not fit this story. Overall it was impressive though.

[vow2thou]

At 2/12/10 06:41 PM, Dubbi wrote: I worked pretty hard on this story and I hope you like it. Personally, I think it's one of my better works.

The Wrath of Mother Nature

The Tahoe trail was mysteriously foggy that autumn evening and Michael Stevens could barely see the imprints of the trees and bushes twenty meters away. Contributing to solemn mood, the clouds overhead were painted with a dreary grey hue and if rain fell, lightning would definitely follow. Most people would heed these omens and retreat to the comfort of their homes, where the only fear of being soaked from above would come from a relaxing shower whose warm droplets would melt the day's trouble away. But Michael had promised his children, Jake and Eva, today would be the day they'd venture into Tahoe. He planned his day accordingly and left work early, with a free schedule. All day the weather had been perfect, the sun shined brightly, the wind blew lightly and peacefully and could only be detected if you were trying to feel its playful hug, and the sky radiated with a bright blue color, free of oppression from clouds. He had considered it unnecessary to consult a weather forecast before departing into nature's path, assuming that the sky of earlier would remain, but Michael should have been taught never to assume!

"Dad can we home, I'm tired, exclaimed Eva, the youngest child.
"Quit being such a baby", ordered Jake
"I'm not, it's scary and it's going to rain. I want go home!"
"A little more sweetie, you said you wanted to go hiking for weeks", her father retorted.
"But it's cold and I'm hungry."
"I'm not, I can continue for hours without food, Jake boasted, always feeling the need to show his superiority over his sister."

...hours without food," Jake boasted... ...sister["].
Pretty sure that was how the dialogue was meant to go, since no one seemed to follow up with any confusion if this whole line was, in fact, the actual dialogue!

"Okay, I think it's time for dinner. I packed sandwiches, and Jake act respectful towards your sister."

I packed sandwiches[. A]nd Jake[:] act...
The 'And Jake' is a seperate statement. Almost an afterthought. Therefore, separate with a period.

The family's hike was adjourned as they sat down on a wide patch of grass and attempted to have a pleasant picnic. Michael retrieved the sandwiches from the basket and gave a turkey and baloney sandwich to Jake and Eva respectively.
"I hate turkey", Jake screamed with enough force to reveal he meant it.
"Well you're the one who said that you could go hours without eating. So why don't you? Eve inquired with a mischievous smile.

Missing closing speechmarks. I assume they would follow ...you?"...

"Shut up!"
"You shut up!'
"How about both you shut up and enjoy your dinner", Michael wailed exasperatedly.

Correct form would be either '...about you both shut...' or '...about the both of you shut...' . But since it's dialogue, Daddy may well speak like that.

"But dad, I hate turkey", Jake cried franticly.

Try an exclamation mark, perhaps. Also, comma precedes speechmark.

Adding to Michael's anguish the skies started to throw a tantrum too. The rain was initially unthreatening: barely discernible drops leaped playfully from their diaphanous abode.

Although having already read the reviews (though, for the most part, not personally having an issue with some of the extensive language), this statement, especially following the colon, sounds like a thesaurus just got regurgitated compared with what had come before.

This was only a minor annoyance and the family disregarded it,

Sub in 'ignored'. I think it would be a better word to use.

mainly because the children were too afraid that mentioning the dribbling would further frustrate their father. But soon Mother Nature made herself impossible to ignore; her tears crashed down on Michael's picnic with startling ferocity. The feast that Jake loved so much was suspended as the trio ascended and darted towards the entrance of the trail. The journey home was strenuous and uncomfortable. Their drenched clothes impaired their ability to navigate through the woods nimbly and the poor visibility rendered matters even worse.
Suddenly the family's dash was halted as Eva decided to stop moving.
"Eva what are you doing! Do you want to get left behind? Let's go!" Michael cried.
"I'm tired, and wet. I'm not running anymore"

Punctuation after 'anymore'.

"Well you're bound to get wetter if you just stand there all night!"
At this prediction sorrowful tears started to glide down Eva's face; tears that no father could accept.

Prediction? I think he's doing more than guessing. Show that certainty.

Michael returned to Eva, lifted her,

I feel like hoisted is a good word to use here. It suggests a burst of sudden strength. Personal opinion, of course.

and the trio resumed their retreat, although this time with only two pairs of legs running.

With only two pairs of legs running? Don't think you need to say so. You only just mentioned that Eva was lifted up. Your reader is neither stupid nor does he (or she) boast the memory of a goldfish. Besides, this line makes the sentence just a little too long, methinks.

Soon, the exit of their suffering was in sight thus expediting their sprint.

Alright, so yeah, the other reviewers were right. Expediting just doesn't sit well here at all. Even saying '...was in sight, hastening them [further]' seems perhaps a bit much, but is the best I can think of right now.

Eva asked to be relinquished and she and Jake raced towards the sanctuary of the car with their father not far behind. Once the rejoiced family entered the vehicle, a conversation initiated concerning how they'd spend the rest of the evening.

Initiated feels awkward. Try 'turned to how'. You might wish to precede with 'inevitably', though I'm not sure about that.

"Dad that was fun I guess, but next time can we just go to the movies?" Jake inquired.

'Dad that was fun' needs grammar. Either an ellipsis (...) or a period.

"How about we just go now?" Michael responded.

Writing the children's reply would be superfluous and rather than boring you with the obvious details, I'll trust that you could infer whether they accepted or not.

...which is a good call. The whole point of the story is, I imagine, that the answer to this question is quite obvious.

All in all, I think the suggestions made by other reviewers is key here. It isn't loaded with excessive language, but the occasional word just stands out as awkward and unnecessary. Otherwise, a quaint little story. Not mind-blowing, but charming.

[Imperator]

Yay, I remembered!......eventually!!

Minor Points:

Contributing to solemn mood

*the solemn mood*

free of oppression from clouds

*free from the oppression of clouds
I think. I'd need confirmation from a Professional Expert Grammarian. I'm only a Senior Grammarian....it's a middle rank.

Fairly certain we are freed from oppression though, not of it.

but Michael should have been taught never to assume!

While perfect grammatically, a past perfect passive conditional (right?) construction can be a little heavy. Even stating what it is (a PPPc) can be a little heavy, lol.

At least it's not a past perfect passive progressive conditional, "should have been being taught" or a future perfect passive progressive (will have been being taught).....
....I hate English......

That said, I have no idea what you could do with it otherwise. So this is really your call on whether you want to rework it a bit or not.

"Dad can we home, I'm tired, exclaimed Eva, the youngest child.

missing end quotes. Yes, completely petty of me. S'why I have minor point sections.
and that was one of the coolest pseudo-contractions I have ever developed. "that's why" contracted to "S'why".

It's right up there with "y'all're", which I encourage everyone to use as often as possible! ;)
You all are. Y'all're. Sometimes I amaze even myself.....Moving on....

"I'm not, I can continue for hours without food, Jake boasted, always feeling the need to show his superiority over his sister."

quotes bungled. End quotes go after "food".

"How about both you shut up and enjoy your dinner", Michael wailed exasperatedly.

My theory of needless adverbialization strikes again! I would put just "exasperated", but that's more of a personal quibble than grammatical law.

franticly

Sp? In my day, it was spelled "frantically", but I checked a dictionary, and it lists "franticly" as well.
Then again, I also learned there were 9 planets in our solar system....

discernible

discernable? Same as above.

The rain was initially unthreatening: barely discernible drops leaped playfully from their diaphanous abode

maybe ethereal for diaphanous. I think only fellow authors, grammarians, and hyper-nerds who studied Greek are gonna understand what it means without having to look it up.

And generally speaking, it's probably better if your audience is reading your work and not stopping to grab the nearest dictionary.

further frustrate their father

Not sure if it's intentional, but the alliteration here is AWESOME.

Soon, the exit of their suffering was in sight thus expediting their sprint

strike "thus".

Major Points:

As many have already pointed out, the word choice and narrative are at odds. That said, I like it that way.

James Joyce did similar things in Ulysses (the only book I failed at reading. No, I didn't think it was possible to fail reading a book either, but "fail" is the only way to describe reading 8 chapters and having NO CLUE what you just read). You read a few pages with massive and complex vocabulary......and only after realize all you read was "Man walks to outhouse, takes a crap".

The dichotomy between a massive vocabulary use and a completely trivial or simple plot is sorta fun to get into. It's a thinking man's story. Of course, doing so means you run the risk of alienating an audience that isn't keen on these word choices, these plot devices, or someone who read (or even failed at reading) Ulysses.

I feel it's really a matter of what you feel is the purpose of the story. If it's to hook and entertain a diverse audience, make some changes. If it's to give smart little shits like me a twinkle in my eye over the complexity of the narrative, the hidden ironies and jokes, then keep it as is.

Overall:
Yeah, I liked it.

The usual premise of "anything not commented on is because I couldn't tear it to shreds" applies.
You writing style is intellectual, crisp, and functional (and it's amazing how many times "intellectual" writing styles fail to also be "functional").

This story makes me want to re-read it, just to make sure I don't miss any tidbits. The story is simple, the writing is complex. I'd mention James Joyce another time, but I feel if I suck that particular reference off any harder someone's tits will fall off....

My 4 cents.

[Dubbi]

At 2/24/10 09:23 PM, Imperator wrote:
My 4 cents.

Thanks for the meticulous criticism and I will oblidge to many of your recommendations. I was considering changing, diaphaneous to etherel, I mean I like big words, but enough is enough. Also part of the reason my writing was so advanced is that even though this is a simple story, later in life, I will write real novels and I need to try to develop an attention grabbing writing style now. I wasn't aiming to emulate James Joyce...... Well thanks, but I don't see why you get 4 cents, greedy bitch!

Anyway, this piece I put less time into, and because I haven't got much feedback, I want you to review it, though of course only if you want to. http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1146 882

[Imperator]

At 2/24/10 10:02 PM, Dubbi wrote: Also part of the reason my writing was so advanced is that even though this is a simple story, later in life, I will write real novels and I need to try to develop an attention grabbing writing style now.

Well right now, what I'm really into is Jim Butcher's Harry Dresden series. His writing is fairly simple, no big words, but there's a lot of action, and the characters are very well rounded and imaginative. Plus, it has wizards, ghosts, vampires, werewolves, and blood spatter pattern analysis.

If Harry Potter became a CSI is what I'm tellin ya here.....

Point being, a complex writing style isn't necessary to become a professional published author. Speaking of which, Harry Potter isn't all that complex either.....but I doubt many people are going after Rowling for not writing advanced enough (nor would I care if I were Rowling anyways).

I wasn't aiming to emulate James Joyce......

It's more the reference I got. Not necessarily meaning you are emulating them, or copying them or anything, but I just put references in should you feel reading that author or that novel will help you progress.

Well thanks, but I don't see why you get 4 cents, greedy bitch!

Narcissistic little thing, aren't I?

[Dubbi]

Well, I don't plan on going into the fantasy genre. I'm greatly influenced by classic authors of realistic fiction, my personal favorite being the great F. Scoot Fitzgerald. I love his writing style and how he so accuaratly depicted an era, the jazz age, through his pen. Also, I just love intricate writing with vivid description and interesting characters, which what I'll strive for later in life when (if) I become a professional writer. Sure, it might not happen, but it's my dream! :)