The Pessimist in Paradise

[Dubbi]

I think this better story I've ever written and I greatly want to know what you guys think! :)

The Pessimist in Paradise

Chapter 1

If you ever sojourned beneath the sweltering sun of southern Florida, in your travels you may have frequented the fiery but oh so tranquil beach of Delray, whose glistening waters and sparkling sand attracted so many to the town of which it contrasted with greatly. But contrary to the accustomed case this contrast is a one of beauty. The soothing afternoons spent besides the waves left me never too wary to venture into flamboyant festivities of the town. This vacation feels like a one spent in paradise and if you at all resemble me, a frivolous thought similar to this one may have crossed through your mind during your blissful stay here, "Is there anyone in the world who could possibly be unhappy in this utopia?" Astonishingly, to your probable bewilderment, the answer is yes. Though, my companion, Danny Caldwell, is likely the sole occupier of this pariah causing credence.

To put it lightly, Danny's a strange guy and in retrospect he always was. My earliest memories of him date back to the initial years at my grade school; thankfully in those long gone days our juvenility prevented us from realizing his startling eccentricity and I guess back then were all a bit strange, although most of grew out of it. But Danny never has been nor ever will be like most of us. He's still perennially depressed; he retained his profound disdain for basically everyone, and to top it all off, Danny procured even more socially inappropriate habits along the way. As to why I'd spend my long awaited vacation with this "nut job", well it may sound cliché, but once you get to know him, he's an amazing person. Sadly, the frightening façade that imprisons his true character prevents the vast majority of us from realizing this. Before I proceed, I need to make this plea, do not exalt this cursory description of him to a one of actual meaning, it's merely an inadequate attempt to explain the enigma that is Danny, but in my defense, not Holmes himself could adequately deduce Caldwell's true character.

If anything could shed some light on the eternally black abyss of Danny's unconventional mind, it would be the story of our second day here. After our inaugural day in this adult playground went, for the most part, smoothly, I made the tragic mistake of letting my guard down, which allowed for the tale I'm about to tell. The morning started off relatively normally; after I awoke and dressed, I descended to the dining room to have breakfast. There was a decent buffet and I helped myself to a plethora of omelets, sausage and bacon. It was vacation after all, although I'm not sure if my doctor would agree with this sentiment. After ravaging through the buffet (and possibly my health) for a while, Danny spotted me and the trouble began.

[RWT]

A couple things. The little things like 'the a one' were annoying to read. Also, the following:

...to the town of which it contrasted with greatly.

Should be written as:

...to the town with which it contrasted greatly.

But more to the point; it looks like a dictionary threw up on your paragraph. If that's intentional, I understand; read no more. But if you think that that degree of... diction is neccesary in your writing, let me be the first to tell you that you have already passed the bar. More importantly, you misused a lot of words. While 'the accustomed case' and 'the pariah causing credence' may technically be correct, the words are high-flaunt and used in very peculiar ways. This makes reading your story a chore... sorry.

The story seems like a good one, but your tendency to include run-on sentences and really high-chosen words feels... like vanity, really. To put it simply, you're putting a dress on a pig. It's a good pig, but no pig is good enough for that dress. And I don't think Shakespeare could write a story worthy of 'pariah causing credence.'

-~RWT~-

[Dubbi]

At 2/7/10 05:43 PM, RWT wrote:

The story seems like a good one, but your tendency to include run-on sentences and really high-chosen words feels... like vanity, really. To put it simply, you're putting a dress on a pig. It's a good pig, but no pig is good enough for that dress. And I don't think Shakespeare could write a story worthy of 'pariah causing credence.'

-~RWT~-

I understand what you're saying, but eh I don't know I guess you're right. Back to the drawing board!

[Nateofwar]

This is a rather good chapter. I like it alot. My only problem is that, although i love the details you used, it seemed like you only "got the jist" of the the words you were using. By god i love big words. Hell if i thought people would understand me i'd use my full vocabulary.

It seems to me like you were using very unecisary words to describe mundane things

BTW i think pariah causing cadence means outcast causing tempo, idk thats a rough translation i think a synonym for habits or maybe habits itself would work too. It almost works but it doesnt look right.

[Dubbi]

At 2/7/10 06:05 PM, Nateofwar wrote: This is a rather good chapter. I like it alot. My only problem is that, although i love the details you used, it seemed like you only "got the jist" of the the words you were using. By god i love big words. Hell if i thought people would understand me i'd use my full vocabulary.

It seems to me like you were using very unecisary words to describe mundane things

BTW i think pariah causing cadence means outcast causing tempo, idk thats a rough translation i think a synonym for habits or maybe habits itself would work too. It almost works but it doesnt look right.

Thanks! Pariah causing credence means a belief that causes you to become an outcast. Pariah means outcast, and credence means belief. I was trying to say how Danny's belief in not being happy in the paradise will cause him to become a pariah.

[SourCherryJack]

Why make another thread? Its better to not clutter the forums and post in one.

[Dubbi]

At 2/7/10 10:56 PM, JackDGreatest wrote: Why make another thread? Its better to not clutter the forums and post in one.

Because this will have several chapters and putting in in a thread combined with my other short stories would be confusing to a reader in search of the next chapter. Anyway, your review?

[OrgasmWoodChipper]

I saw your comment about lack of reviews for your story and know how crappy that feels so I decided to find your story and give you one. :D

I have to agree with the others about the vocabulary in the story.
A lot of the big words feel forced and unnecessary and a few are even misused a bit.
It seems to me that you used a Thesaurus and looked up every few words to try and make it seem more intellectual or something.
Which isn't necessary, just let the story flow out of you and maybe change a word here and there if a sentence sounds redundant.

As far as the story itself goes, its hard to tell this early on how good it will be as not much has happened so far. But I am interested and will be returning to this thread frequently to read your updates and see where the story goes.

So keep at it, man.

[Dubbi]

At 2/8/10 09:31 PM, OrgasmWoodChipper wrote: I saw your comment about lack of reviews for your story and know how crappy that feels so I decided to find your story and give you one. :D

I have to agree with the others about the vocabulary in the story.
A lot of the big words feel forced and unnecessary and a few are even misused a bit.
It seems to me that you used a Thesaurus and looked up every few words to try and make it seem more intellectual or something.
Which isn't necessary, just let the story flow out of you and maybe change a word here and there if a sentence sounds redundant.

Well I didn't really use a theseaurs (only very rarely so I wouldn't repeat words) but I kn ow what you're saying about the vocab. I'll try to tone it down a little, but detail is still a very important part of the story.

As far as the story itself goes, its hard to tell this early on how good it will be as not much has happened so far. But I am interested and will be returning to this thread frequently to read your updates and see where the story goes.

So keep at it, man.

[megakill]

I was drawn in by your offer to read your story, and while poetry is my forté, i see you are a talented scholar (if thats even how you spell it). My major problem is the use of the word "guy". I would have prefered "creature" or "being" but otherwise, you've done well with your prose, and all you can do now is progress. well done!

[Dubbi]

At 2/11/10 10:25 PM, megakill wrote: I was drawn in by your offer to read your story, and while poetry is my forté, i see you are a talented scholar (if thats even how you spell it). My major problem is the use of the word "guy". I would have prefered "creature" or "being" but otherwise, you've done well with your prose, and all you can do now is progress. well done!

Wow, good advice. I will surly replace "guy with "creature" this enchances the mood of the story. :)

[Shyheart]

As others have said, the biggest problem in this story is the vocabulary, by a longshot. It almost dwarfs every other problem. It really does seem like you had a thesaurus in hand the entire time, and tbh for what seems to be looking at being a comedy story it is much, much too verbose and it almost kills it by being unnatural. You may be writing a story, but you're still talking at some level, so don't go off and make it so unnatural to read. Several of the words are also used weirdly or not correctly at all, such as 'pariah', which really leads me to believe you used a thesaurus rather than actually knowing alot of these words.

The other big problem I have is probably one more with how much what was written, but it was too short and the characters aren't all that great. It was three paragraphs, but it felt like they should've been slimmed down and added to, having more story and less frilly bullshit like vocabulary. Tbh you spend way too much time just saying something to the effect of 'he's a depressing cock' rather than actually just giving a decent example of why he's a depressing cock. There's no depth or reasoning, you just kind of say it and then it must be so.

All in all it doesn't really feel like you're trying to write this story to entertain people so much as to indulge in your vocabulary- most of the words not really fitting the overall feeling and whatnot. It just feels like it kills any hope at humor as well as distracting from any hope at telling a story in general.

[Letiger]

Truth be told, there is not much to be said about this one part. I would need more to keep going. There is one bad thing standing out. The words. The long words. There was only one to which I didn't understand, and even then I didn't feel like reading this thing. Well I did feel, but with much less enthusiasm. I think the word was perninally or something along the lines of that. I read it perpetually the first time through.

Now with all those big words, don't you think that you would end it on one to have atleast SOME consistency? Nope. You just went...

At 2/7/10 05:18 PM, Dubbi wrote: Danny spotted me and the trouble began.

Not a great way, is it?

[Dubbi]

Yah, I think I'm going to rewrite this story...... I now see what I've done wrong, thanks guys for showing me the light! :)

[TrevorW]

At 2/12/10 03:58 PM, Dubbi wrote: Yah, I think I'm going to rewrite this story...... I now see what I've done wrong, thanks guys for showing me the light! :)

Good luck!