Okay, today we're going to talk about the biggest badass in the entire Old Testament: Samson. You may have heard of his exploits from bible school, but today, you're going to hear the parts they didn't tell you- the parts that make Samson even more badass than you originally thought.
Let's start from the beginning: Samson's parents are visited one night by an angel. Samson's parents have been unable to conceive children, so God decided that he wasn't only going to give these people a kid- he's going to give them one of the most hardcore kids of all time. Of course, God's not just going to make this kid superhuman for nothing. Samson's going to have to follow a couple of rules. One: no alcohol. This is actually quite sensible, since one can only imagine the havoc Samson could wreak if he was ever on a bender. EVERYONE would be dead. Two: No cutting of the hair. Not only is Samson going to be a fucking badass, he's going to look totally fucking metal the whole time.
So then Samson is born, and he looks pretty normal, and he grows up pretty normally, but without booze and haircuts. See, he doesn't even know how hardcore he is, because he hasn't unleashed his power yet. It's like he's from fucking Dragon Ball Z or some shit. Anyway, he falls in love with this chick, but she's a Philistine, and Samson's an Israelite. See, the Philistines were this ancient tribe that was constantly fucking with the Jews' shit, and every once in a while, God would make a really awesome Jew so they could fuck the Philistines right back. Samson is one of these Jews, but this time, God pulled out ALL the fucking stops and made the most beastly Jew EVER. He made Samson to fuck up the Philistines, and he was God damn well going to do it.
So Samson decides to marry the Philistine bitch, but it's cool, because God has it all planned out, and this is just Step 1 in God's instruction manual on how to fuck with ancient tribes. On his way to ask the chick to marry him, Samson is attacked by a lion. You heard me, a fucking LION. But this lion has no clue who he's fucking with. The lion goes for Samson, but God just pumps Samson up like never before, and Samson, like a huge, hairy bear trap, just fucking grabs that lion and TEARS HIM THE FUCK APART WITH HIS BARE HANDS. Samson didn't even know he could do that, so he's totally shocked. No one was around to see it, which would normally suck, but Samson decides to keep it a secret. He makes it to his lady's place, and she agrees to marry him, because no woman could resist something so manly.
On his way to the wedding, he passes the carcass of the lion he killed, and sees that there are bees in it. And these bees are making honey. Samson sees this, and he sticks his hand in the corpse and grabs a fucking handful of honey and eats that shit, because he's like a bear. He gives some to his parents, too, probably to thank them for giving birth to such a studly creature.
So he gets to the wedding feast, and he's with all these lame-ass philistine dudes who think they're hot shit. Samson decides to make up a riddle just to fuck with them, because he knows they'll never get it and they'll go fucking crazy about it. Drawing on the whole honey incident, he says "Out of the eater, something to eat; out of the strong, something sweet." Then he says he'll give 30 pieces of sweet linens and shit to the groomsmen if they can figure it out, and of course, they can't. That riddle is fucking crazy. No one could solve that fucking riddle. Meanwhile, the Philistines can't figure it out, and they're going totally nuts about it, because nothing pisses off a Philistine more than a really hard riddle. This much, Samson knew.
The Philistines get so desperate, that they threaten Samson's wife and father, saying "If you don't get the answer out of your husband-to-be, we're going to fucking burn your house down". She breaks down, and Samson tells her the answer. The Philistines are all like "what the fuck are you talking about, that's a terrible riddle". And this just makes Samson flip the fuck out, because he already knows that they threatened his lady. Once you fuck with Samson's lady AND his riddles, shit goes down faster than the walls of Jericho.
So Samson is now totally hulking the fuck out, and he kills thirty Philistines and gives their clothes to his groomsmen, because he said he'd give them 30 pieces of cloth if anyone got the riddle. This is more hardcore than anything you will ever do.
Samson goes home afterwards, and he's still pissed. Meanwhile, his girl's dad is freaking out, and makes his daughter marry the best man instead of Samson, which pisses of Samson beyond belief. See, God knew all this shit would happen, and he's just watching it go, probably listening to some funk rock and sipping pomegranate juice mixed with vodka.
So Samson goes to the Dad-in-law who wasn't really his dad-in-law yet, and asks him "what the fuck dog you messin' with my swerve and shiiiieeet". The Dad sees how metal Samson is, and tries to cool him off by giving him his other daughter, but Samson says "FUCK THAT", because the other daughter was nowhere NEAR as hot as the first one. And then Samson pulls out ALL the fucking stops and RAGES.
Get this: Samson knows that he's going to have to fuck shit up, but he's going to have to do it in a way that is so gangsta that people will be scared to talk about it 2000 years after it even happens. So what does he do? He gets 300 hundred motherfucking foxes. And he doesn't stop there- he ties fucking TORCHES to ALL OF THE FOXES' TAILS, and sets them loose in the Philistine's fields, torching all of their grains and the like. To this day, there has never been anything more badass than this. Let's break this down step by step: first find 300 foxes. That's fucking ridiculous. Next: tie torches to their tails. ALL of them. NONE of them escape without a torch on their ass. Not only was he able to catch 300 foxes, he was able to tie shit to them and then light them on FIRE without letting ANY of them escape in the meantime. Then he uses them to destroy crops. Reflect on this, because there will never be anything more awesome than that shit.
The Philistines trace the flaming foxes back to Samson, and they burn his wife-to-be and her dad to death as revenge. You would think that they would think twice about fucking with him again, but no, they keep pushing it, and that's why God hated them. Samson just starts killing Philistines by the fistful, and they can't even touch him.
When he gets tired of killing Philistines, he hides in a cave to let the situation cool down. They find him, though, because Philistines never know when to just let shit go. Then they demand that his countrymen turn him over to them. Samson lets his homeboys tie him with two ropes, and they bring him out, but then SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKERS- he busts out of the ropes, grabs the jawbone of a nearby dead donkey, and kills 1,000 Philistines with it. That's right, he kills 1,000 dudes in one sitting with a donkey mouth. And with that, he became Israel's nationally appointed resident BAMF.
