Ok let's look at the story of creation in a different way. Like let's say I was making a movie about it like Lord of the Rings.
Ok so it would start like this: God appears in the universe, like maybe he's an alien from another dimension or maybe he's one of the many Gods or maybe he's the only one. Anyway, he appears in his little patch of nothingness and right off the bat, he gets ideas. He's thinking "I'll make a sweet society, it's gonna rule". So he makes heaven.
Heaven kicks ass because he's the boss. Whatever he says, other people have to obey, it fucking rules for him. But then that gets sort of boring because he made his angels a little too much like a bunch of pussies, so then maybe he makes something happen or maybe he had planned this all along -anyway- at one point his best robot-angel goes against his will.
Then God, pretending to be surprised, is all like "what? Bitch, go to hell! Oh wait * creates hell* YEAH GO TO HELL NOW BITCH". So content with that, he sends his second-in-command to hell, ya know, giving him a little freedom, to see what he does, shake things up a bit. So this lasts for a while, but that gets a little boring, I mean, he's super-strong and can win anyways so he gives away some of his power to the Devil.
He's like "dude, ok, this is way too easy I can kick your ass like any time, plus I can always see everything and I know everything, it's really annoying and boring, so here have some power, do whatever you want with it, I'm really bored". The Devil takes it and swears he's going to be as big a dick to God as he can be.
So then the devil goes away for a while.
Now like a lot of time has passed since the start, God's pretty bummed out. Satan tried shit from time to time, but it's just so easy to beat him up and take his lunch money. Then God gets a great idea: what if I create, like super-dumb robots to fuck with? So he makes a special place for that: Earth. Puts little trees and little rocks and mountains then he starts out trying to see how stupid he can make life. He makes some bacteria. Now that's pretty boring, can't really fuck with those. Then a couple of plankton and crustaceans and whatnot. Still, that's pretty lame. Then he makes some fish. Now that's more interesting. He can torture them a little. They don't scream of anything but they wriggle around.
So then he makes some bigger fish that eat the small fish, just to see if that gets them a little more scared. But they're too stupid so there's no real point.
Then he makes reptiles on the land. He's thinking "you know there's lots of land, why not put something on there?". Reptiles are neat, they squeal and shit, they feel a lot of pain when you eat them. That's fun so he makes lots of carnivorous reptiles. Then he takes it a step further and makes dinosaurs. Hell now that's entertaining for a long time because they're huge and always falling down pits and getting boiled alive in lava. Good times. But that gets boring so he drops a giant rock on the earth and they all die and that's that. That junk took up too much space.
Then he thinks "you know dinosaurs were fun and violent and awesome and shit, but not really fun to fuck with". So he makes some smarter animals. Little mouse and tigers and monkeys. That's neat. He likes how the monkeys smell their buttholes and jerk off all the time so he's thinking "ok let's go with those".
So he takes one monkey and brings him to his special "experiment room". The monkey's pretty fucking stupid so he molds him smarter and smarter. Then at one point he's just "fuck it" and creates man.
Man kicks ass, he's totally obedient like the angels, but he's a real retard. The angels, he couldn't really fuck with, like they'd know better than to try to wipe their butts with poison Ivy or to eat pine cones. But the humans? Works like a charm. So then he makes a woman. He's thinking "I'll just make this one a little weaker but with tits, to compensate. They'll fight constantly, it will be hilarious" ( God liked tits for some reason ). That was pretty fun too. They always fought and yelled and threw poo at each other. Then the man would beat the woman and rape her a little. Good times, good times. So that went on for a while. He made them a little smarter, eventually, made them learn how to talk so he could fuck with them even more. Ask them questions like "why did you steal my underwear" and then man would be like "but I didn't.." and then GOd would punish them anyway.
So while that's going on, the Devil is still in his cave, he's pretty bummed out. He's thinking "how can I get back at that shithead? I'm just some dipshit loser stuck in my hole... fuck that prick". But then he sees God experimenting on two dimwit humans. He's seeing them and a single tear rolls down his eye. He can see how they're sort of like him: imperfect, naive.. always getting picked on by the big guy. So he takes pity on them. Of course he can't try anything too fancy or God would see him.
So anyways, back to Eden. By that point God's tried just about everything and is starting to get bored, so he creates the tree of knowledge. He puts a lot of power in that thing, so it's really pretty and shiny and smells nice and also has tits. Like, the fruits have tits on them, but if you're a girl, it's actually juicy cocks. Man sees that and he's thinking "holy fuck, I haven't eaten in like... ever ( literally ) and I'm hungry! ( why did you make me hungry you asshole god? ) please can I have some? So God tells them to do some stuff before, like he dares them to fart and sneeze at the same time 5 times in a row and all that shit but ultimately he decides to not give it to them.
SO one day God just leaves them alone for a while, as he does from time to time when he wants to go back to visit earth and fuck with some mammoths or whatever. Satan takes that chance and sneaks into Eden and tells the humans "look guys, that asshole did the same thing to me and if you don't do something soon you're going to end up in a pit with a carrot up your ass for the next trillion years, so listen up. I can't eat the tit-fruits here because God replaced my digestive system with shards of glass that poke at my insides all the time, but you can!.
"But we can't reach it. It's just out of reach. Like if I was just one inch taller I could... get it.. argh what a douche"
"Yeah I know, ok I'll give you a boost"
So Satan gives Adam a boost and he gets to eat from the tree of tits. It was delicious, like chocolate and mayonnaise and hamburgers. He gave a piece to eve. Hmm like cherries and steak and orange Nerdz. Instantly, they began to change. The man's penis grew larger. His balls dropped. The testicles in his eye cavities were replaced by actual eyes, so was it for Eve. They marveled at the world that God had created and also could see on each other's back a sign that said "kick me".
"So that's what it was", said Adam.
But just then, God returned with a bag full of spiked dildos.
"We're gonna have some fun kids... HOLY SMOKES MY TIT-TREE WHY YOU LITTLE SHITS!"
As God was about to exact his vengeance on humans, Satan used all of his spirit and power to cast a protective spell on the humans ( like level 10 circle of protection at least, pretty awesome shit ) so that they would be shielded from him for at least a few years. But God still cast them out onto the world.
And as the protective spell faded, they started aging and their ballsack and tits sagged and they became ugly and smelly and complained about lawns and social security. But they had managed to have kids in the meantime, from the power that the fruit granted: fertility.
And so human race was partly saved, thanks to Satan's sacrifice, who waits for us in hell if we are true to ourselves and don't take any shit from God's dipshit Nazi-ass followers.
Thank you Satan.
