'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that a foot fetisist would not be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Rapists danced in their heads;
And mamma in her Strap on, and I in my gag,
Had just settled down for a long winter's shag,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang off my wife to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters just like my wife's gash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Transit van, and a drunken fat queer,
he fell out his van, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment I must have his dick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called us all names;
"you, Fucker! you, Wanker!, Pussies and Shit heads!
On, Your Mother! Your Father! on, he wished us all dead!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
he Stumbled and Tumbled catching his balls!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
he met plenty of obstacles, but walked up the drive,
So up to the house-top the bastard he climbed,
With a bag full of sex toys, not all of them dry.
And then, in a clatter I heard on the roof
The stumbling and tumbling of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney the sex offender came with a bound.
He was dressed all in leather, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of sex toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a wanker just tugging his sack.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled my wifes vagina; as I had a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
He snorted some powder, and up it it rose;
He went back to his van, with my children in tow,
His eyes full of lust the embers did glow.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Thanks for the Children and thanks for your wife."
Can you do any better?
