Tlok And The Mystic Sword.

[Kanon]

*A small note on this I had a small paranoia of submitting this because I was always thinking people would steal it, but thanks to my friends for the inspiration I decided I am going to submit it, This story here I have had many inspirations from many different things that occured in my life, I hope you the reader will take time and enjoy.*

As I stare at my right hand warped and deformed with the curse of the demon I bear, My appearance shattered. My long black hair now a tangled mess stained with the blood of countless enemies, As I look around I notice my trenchcoat torn and destroyed lies in the corner of the area. I can't help but wonder if I was really mean't to have this power. The mistake I made that gave me this curse... my friends... my family... gone and all thanks to you...

As I glare at the man responsible for my misfortunes, I see on his face the wounds, nicks and cuts of our battle, as a little bit of blood streams out of the corner of his mouth. As we continue to stare each other down, the undercroft of the chapel where everything started, has begun to fall apart leaving massive voids (to the underworld) in the floor of our fights. as he grab the middle of his left arm I finally get the strength to get to my feet. I reach for my sword which has fallen on the ground since the fight.

As I got to my senses, the man responsible for everything begins talking.

"You know what I did was for the good..." (The man begins coughing up blood) "erghrah... It's not important trying to explain to you, your too simple minded to see what the demons are doing to the human race to care, you being an example you will never leave here alive..." (coughs up more blood and falls to his knees) "... hpmf erah..." (sniffles as he wipes away the blood) "You won't hear the end of me."

With them words said I gathered the last of my energy and ran at him, as I lunged at him, I started remembering all the pain and suffering that he put me through, and the recollection of those events that happened.

This is my story...

" Kanon! Kanon! Wake up! You're going to be late if you don't get up and get ready! Your father won't be happy."
As I wake up hearing someone call my name in the middle of my sleep I look to see my house maid cleaning my chambers. As I faceplant my head back into my pillow, Mae my beautiful house maid opens up the curtains to my room. As the light pours in she laughs a giggle somewhat annoying but cute at the same time. I finally get out of bed.

"About time you wake up, I though I'd have to fetch a bucket of ice cold wat-" I interupted her with a finger to her lips and said. "Don't remind me, I still don't trust you that time you put a snapping turtle in my bath tub". Mae with her amazing sense of humor laughed, and tossed me my clothing.
" Hurry up and get dressed "Soon to be King Kanon." Before she left I stopped her. "You do know that today may be the last day for you to ever work or me right?" She looked at me and sighed. "Yeah I do." I wouldn't have none of it ecspecially seeing this was my special day. "Mae please do me a favor and enjoy the festival today?" I tossed her 20 silver pieces and 10 gold pieces. have fun at the festival and yeah I know that I'm over paying you for your work by eight months but still enjo- Before I could finish, Mae gave me the biggest hug I will never forget, and will carry on with me until the very end.

Thank you oh thank you so much I.. need to NO! I got to do thi- I should do tha! gah! With that jumbled mess of words done and said she runs out of the room in excitement, as she runs out my brother enters the room at the very same time.

"Woah! what the heck is up with Mae? She seems very excited about today don't she Kanon?" I laughed a bit and replied. "Mithias, It's my fault I know she don't get paid enough that she wouldn't be able to enjoy the festival so I payed her ten times extra and she won't be working it off either." Mithias turned to me and laughed just as I finished putting on my shirt. "Just like my little brother to please the people around him before himself."

As he said that he put his arm around my neck and gave me a noogie. "My little brother is getting married today, ahahah! Got to get my beatings in before your lucky lady gets here." We started wrestling and beating each other up out of brotherly love, but it was interupted by my father.

" Boys! Boys! Enough!" As we stop fighting, My father's most trusted guard comes into the room. "Lord Hanson shall I escourt Mithias downstairs to the throne room while you talk to Kanon?" Hanson turns to his guard and then Mithias. "Yes take Mithias downstairs, i'll be there shortly." "Hey Kanon!" Mithias said with a grin, "Just because we are done for now don't assume I won't kick your ass later." I smiled back with a laugh and replied,"I await the day."
Mithias and the guard leave the room as Hanson and Kanon begin talking/argueing.

"Why did she have to choose me though Hanson?!?"

"Kanon! You and I both know these people are responsible for the death of your mother, they pose a threat to us and our way of life. If we are to survive this era, you are to marry the daughter of our enemy and sign a contract through bonds and treaties that will end "The Holy Wars" between us and the enemy kingdom."

"Is that all I am Hanson? Just a pen to sign a contract to end a war between you and the enemy?!?!"

As I said them words I finished putting on my princely clothing and proceeded downstairs, where in the throne room I was greeted by friends, family, and other members of royalty who gave me their blessings of good luck and great fortune for me and my new life. I gave a shudder of dismay to the fact an hour after I got downstairs and sat down on my soon to be throne, the sound of trumpets blaring told me the princess has arrived.

Mithias quickly approached me with urgentness in his walk, as he approached I noticed he had a tight grip around the hilt of his longsword. As he approached me he spoke to me with a shuddered fear almost as if he knew something was wrong.

"Kanon, listen to me and listen to me good something is wrong here... I was walking around outside and the ship they were on, it isn't in the harbor. no guards and no escort service to the castle. It was just the princess and the king. I don't like the loo-"

-I interupted him.-

" Mithias I know you have doubts about me getting married to the princess of the enemy kingdom, nor do I like it but I will do what I need to to make my country happy."

Mithias grabs me by the shoulders and starts shaking me.
"You don't understand! THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG! and I'm going to find out whether your going to help me or not!"

As Mithias leaves the throne room, The Princess approaches me.

"Are you ready to begin the ceremony Prince Kanon?" With a sigh I agreed and the ceremony begins.

Six hours have gone by, Princess Penelope seems happy, I'm happy, and the festival was a success... or so it seemed. A guard comes running through the main door with a throwing knife in his back. As he bleeds to death the guard screams in bloodcurling agony.

"MITHIAS IS DEAD!!! THE WEDDING WAS AN AMBUSH!"

With that said everyone ran over to the guard's body, while the guards in the area surrounded our guests and drew their swords at them.

" Damn! I told him to wait until we had both princes in our sight!"

I'm posting the second bit of chapter 1 below.

[Kanon]

Penelope did something I didn't think I'd ever see, she threw off her wedding dress and revealed a hidden set of wings turned turned out she was a succubus. Penelope begins lashing out and attacking everyone that tried to run out of the area. Hanson and I drew our swords and screamed to our soldiers and guards. "KILL THEM! KILL THEM ALL!" Before I could get my sword drawn completely Penelope was on top of me pinning me to the ground. Her claw like hands gnashing and whipping at my neck. As I begin to push her off of me, Hanson kicks her off and looks at me while keeping the Succubus Penelope at bay.

"Kanon, Listen to me please I fear the worst for your brother and this attack seems it was meant to be an assassination attempt on the both of you, While I hold the Succubus off I want you to find your brother as quickly as possible and report back to me! NOW HURRY!"

As I ran out the door I began searching for my brother and I managed to folow the blood trail of the guard that died at the door. As I neared closer and closer I found my brother's corpse on the ground, with grief I couldn't help but stare in disbelief that someone had bested my brother. The one man that taught me everything I knew about fighting with a sword. As I looked around trying to find out who did it another blood trail led into the alley way. I had found a man shrouded in black robes bleeding lightly from a wound in the side, but I could tell he was suffering dearly from his wound.

"Damn!, Mithias got me good... W-Who are you?" I looked at the man and grabbed him by the neck of his robes and shook him. "Explain to me why my brother's lying facefirst into the ground! Huh! EXPLAIN TO ME DAMMIT!" I saw the man reaching for something without hesitation I drove my sword into his arm, as he let out a scream of agony I saw a small elven dagger fall from his hand. As he began to crawl away, he began cursing at me as well as telling me something lifethreatening would haunt me until the day I died.

"You fool... You know not what you do only what you think is right. Could you do the same to him as I have... after everyone you know is dead! You and Mithias were never mean't to be princes. It's time the Hanson's bloodline ends and you know it..." (the assassin spits up blood and clentches his side in agony as more blood begins to spill out.) "You will regret everything and your completely oblivious to whats happening right under your nose..."

"Enough!!!" I yelled, I was so enraged that the man had slain my brother and he began preaching to me that everything I fought for was a lie. I jumped ontop of him and began to repeatedly punch him in the face, As I got up I begin smashing his head into rocks as well as the walls. With a final bit of rage burning inside of me still, I grabbed my sword and plunged it into his chest. As the last breathe of his life escaped his lips something inside me woke up, I didn't know what it was but after I had killed my brother's assassin my only thought was getting my brother to the chapel undercroft.

As I arrived at the chapel steps, now in blood soaked clothing from the assassin and from my brother's wounds, I made my way inside. I started screaming for the monks to help me, in my panic I wouldn't leave my brothers side. The oldest monk approached me.

"Young prince, rest at ease knowing we have been trained in the art of resurrection. If you truely wish for your brother to live again, then please come with me."

I didn't know what was going on but I wanted my brother to live again more than anything in the world, So I agreed to the Elder Monk's conditions. As we entered the chapel undercroft they summoned a pentagon with a different monk at each star corner. As they began to pray I set my brother's corpse in the center, and walked off of the pentagon like I was instructed to. As the ceremony got more intense A blinding flash of light greeted me. Not knowing what happened I started to black out, but before I did I saw my brother looking into my eyes, saying to me. "Kanon I am back, and much more alive, now rest for a bit. Tomorrow we got a big day ahead of us..."

The next morning, I awoke in a foreign area. It was cold, the ground I feel asleep on was not familiar to me. As my vision became clear I found myself waking up on top of a hill overlooking a forest, the forest also had a river going into it and on the river I had seen a familiar bridge. As I followed the path that the bridge was on I noticed a castle in the distance... but that castle was destroyed almost as if it was destroyed by a massive attack force of some sort. As I got to my senses I realized that castle, was MY Castle! Without thinking I ran down the hill and made my way there.

As I got nearer and nearer to the place I once called home I could see the bodies of the civilian populace that once inhabited the land I once fought for and loved so dearly. Still in disbelief I proceeded into what was once the market district of the city. As I walked past the building that was once the black smiths place, I couldn't help but notice a gruesome scene of the man that once worked there pinned to the wall by the sword he prized so much, as I drew closer I realized his sword was pinning him to the wall through the eye sockett. Going into shock I dropped to my knees looking at the man. What the hell had happened here? Am I the only one alive? As I began to wonder the sound of crumbling walls, turrets and the crackling fires surrounded me as well as the rancid smell of burning bodies infested the air. I continued walking around the town until I made the worst discovery of my life...

As I neared the castle walls or what remained of it, I found a familiar face. "Mae!" I yelled. "Who could of done this to you?!?!" At this point trying to fight back tears, I ran my hand over the cut that went completely through her collar bone and stopped at the center of the sternum, as she drew her final and last agonizing breaths with her last amount of energy she put her hand onto my cheek. As she did that I looked into her eyes seeing her eyes welling up with tears, as they began rolling down her face her hand fell from my cheek. Sobbing uncontrollably because the one woman I had truely loved had just died in front of me, I took her hands placed them accross her chest closed her eyes. Once again enraged, the adrenaline and hatred for the one who had caused this much damage both pyshically and emotionally, I felt the one responsible needed to die.

Finally entering the courtyard I see a city guard barely breathing, as I approach him. I grabbed him without thinking of the injuries he may have and demanded he tell me who did this to the kingdom. In a blood scuffeled scowl he replies a name I wish wasn't true...

"Mit- Mithias... H-he's been possessed... demonic power... There are... N-no survivors..."

As he said his final words he falls limp and dies on the ground where he once stood guard. As I open the doors to the castle where I once lived I notice everything is destroyed, as fallen tables are turned upside down and the shafts are splintered off, I noticed a few of the broken table necks had the bodies of other house maids and royal family members impaled through. At the grimness of the scene I couldn't help but get out of there because of the familiar anger and rage clouding my mind, I ran for my father's chamber where I hoped to find one clue as to what could explain this.

I searched for hours and hours with finding nothing but one thing was missing. A family scroll containing the secrets of a family heirloom capable of massive power. I didn't know what was going on, and out of my familiar and new rage I grabbed my father's Katana. The one prized posession that my father kept sharper than all of his other weapons. While my father had either died or disappeared during the battle that had happened I decided all I could do for the time was hunt for Mithias and hopefully get a clue as to what happened.

Last little bit below this.

[Kanon]

As I walk away from the ruins of my home, I stand upon the hill I woke up on, and looking back I said as a single tear rolled down my face.

"I know not what could have caused this, but I promise everyone that died back there I will set your souls free..."

Looking at the necklace of Mae's I clentched my fist around it. and said my final words before I would turn away never to look back again. "And Mae... You are the reason I will search out my brother and the family scroll. I won't rest until you are free from the torture of the murderer who ended your life as well as everyone elses."

With them final words said, I tied Mae's Necklace to a branch on a small tree nearby and walked off in the distance as my new power, and my fuel to find the murderer set place in my mind.

Here ends. Chapter 1.

So tell me what you think, and BTW I had previously written this on my Microsoft word, so yes I did a copy paste, but tell me what you think?

[Kanon]

Is anyone even reading this?

[hoodpru]

Nice story bro, invite me over sometime. Also didn't I tell you that posting this on here had a risk to it? You know there are dumbfucks out there that will claim a story like this as their own given the chance.

If I were you I'd get a Mod or one of the Admins to read this and post in it so if someone does try and steal this they will pay the consequences for it.

I don't know for sure but I think this has a copyright on this correct?

[Deathcon7]

Adolescent, blasé, and contrived; it read like a typical Final fantasy fan fiction, replete with its characteristic issues. Also, don't expect an immediate response, because you're not going to get one.

First and foremost, the frame for your story is terrible. You dont't flash back in the middle of an action sequence, much less the middle of an action. This destroys the flow of the scene. Imagine the readers confusion when the frame story returns to focus.

Besides the glaring grammar issues, your delivery is very weak. Rife with redundancy and tense issues, your narrator sounds like a nine year old trying to tell a joke. Examples:

Mithias quickly approached me with urgentness in his walk, as he approached I noticed he had a tight grip around the hilt of his longsword. As he approached me he spoke to me with a shuddered fear almost as if he knew something was wrong.

Where the story around it is in past tense, the following is in present:

With that jumbled mess of words done and said she runs out of the room in excitement, as she runs out my brother enters the room at the very same time.

Last is the lack of an actual world. You have all these fantastic elements, but none of the regality. You want to build an environment just as much as you want to build a plot. Here's a few words which ruin the feel of the story: trench coat, noogie, and faceplant. Behavior, culture, ambitions, motivations; in a different world, you have to consider these just as much as city names, borders, geology, and everything else included in building a physical world.

Please do not take this as the gist of your issues. I think you should really consider learning the principles of story telling, before publicly displaying your work. If you're just looking for attention, get a sex change and post nudes in the general forum. Or better yet, make a flash slideshow and spatter it with some terribly resized Naruto hentai. At least this way, in the end, you'll have a pretty good BA to boot.

[ChainsawNinjaZX]

I agree with Dethcon. Not much else to say here.