I don’t know you and I don’t know who you are, but I just wanted to say that this way of thinking is stupid. Once you’re dead, that’s it. You’re locked in and cannot improve or change, there is no glory nor comfort there. You cut off any opportunity for betterment, joy, growth, and happiness. But so long as you draw breath then you are capable of changing for the better as a person, forming new connections and mending old ones, and moving forward every day into a brighter and better future.
Please know that there is nothing, no lie that you have told or connection that you have broken, that makes you worse than other people or somehow unworthy of life. I don’t know what you believe but know that I believe as a Christian that we are all sinners who fall short of God’s standard, and you are not lesser than other people, as you are still loved by God in spite of that. I have reasons for believing this as a Christian, as outlined in Psalm 136, John 3, Romans 5, and Romans 8:39.
You can take or leave it, but regardless. Your worth is not dependent on how many mistakes you did or did not make. It is not dependent on how skilled you are at art or if people like your art. Your worth does not go away when you lie and mess up and sin. Your worth is not even dependent on how you feel about yourself or if you even like yourself. You have worth intrinsically.
Ultimately, even if you dismiss what I believe. Do not kill yourself, as only the living can change and grow.