This is quite powerful, i would like to thank you for sharing this with us, for sharing all these experiences you've had, if i may, i would like to say i find this inspiring, i mean, you could've easily painted yourself as a hero or something but you didn't, you gave us pure reality, no sugar coated shit where everything ends up in happily ever after or a lesson is learned at the end of the day, we all need a dose of reality once in a while.
I'd like to share an experience of mine if you'd like to listen.
Some years ago, my sister was in a really dark spot, she was in some deep shit you know? Like drugs and stuff, and the one person who always understood her and made her smile was my grandmother, thanks to her my sister stopped using drugs, she was haha well quite a woman my grandma, she had a lot of character and she was VERY stubborn, she even traveled all around mexico all alone, staying with uncles and aunts of mine here and there for like a year or so even at her age, she stayed with my family lot of times so we all knew her and loved her, though she would sometimes get on our nerves, like i said, she was REALLY stubborn, anyway so a few years ago she suddenly became very ill one day, i was working in some phone company at the time, so i woke up, they told me the news, my mom and my sister were very worried, they were just at the phone waiting for my uncle to call and well, give us any news.. in any case i had to go to work and since she was hospitalized and stuff my family told me to go, i was very confused to be honest, i didn't know what to think or feel if something happened, and i say that because we knew it was pretty bad but still too soon to say anything y'know?
So, i decided that if something were to happen, id suck it up and remain strong for my sister and my mom, all of this while my dad drove me to work, we didn't speak a word, i arrived at work, went through the main door and through this corridor with these rotating thingies that mark when somone comes in and stuff, i took my card to unlock one and i just started crying, but i honestly didn't really know why i was crying, i was so confused, i was glad it was a sunday and really early cause the place was almost empty so no one saw me cry, i cleaned my face, passed my card and went on inside, as i went inside an approached my work desk i realized i should be at home, if anything happened i knew my sister would need me, i was the one closest to her in my house, so i walked up to my boss instead of my desk and i told him that i needed to go home and he just told me that he didn't even had me on schedule for that day which is weird because i always checked my schedule before i left, every day, so anyway i just went with it and called my dad to turn back around, when we arrived, well, she passed away, my mom and my sis, heartbroken, my sis went up to her room and locked herself in, i just remained sort of blank, i hugged my mom, my dad and my brothers stayed with her and i went to my sister's room as i didn't want her to hurt herself, like i said, she'd been in a dark place before, so i just was there for her, she cried and talked and i sat by her side, and just hugged her, after that my sister and my mom went with my uncles and aunts for a couple of days for the funeral and i just sat at home confused and well, just confused, and i thought that with time my emotions would just sort themselves out and id come to terms or something, but the thing is, it didn't, up to this day i still don't know how to feel about her, should i be sad because she is gone, should i be angry i didn't get to say goodbye, should i feel bad because i didn't feel sad? i mean, yes i cried, but that was before i even knew she had passed and like i said, i didn't even knew why i cried, i still don't, and whenever i think of this i cant help but think if I'm a bad person for not feeling sad, or if there is something wrong with me, i just don't know, when someone dies people say stuff like "it'll get better" or "cry it out" but no one tells you what to do if you don't even know how to feel about it, i guess its just something that will just stay like that or something..
Anyway thank you for your time if you read it all, sorry its quite long.