I grew up in a very small village. When I was in middle school I was part of what would be considered the popular crowd, the pretty girls. However, one particular girl, we'll call her Melanie, started spreading a particular "rumor" about me. Melanie started telling the whole school that I was gay. The gossip trickled its way all through the hallways, all the way until it made its way back to me. I was upset. I was afraid. Being gay was not cool. People died for being "outted" as gay. I saw people lose everything because of their sexuality. As a child, I was scared. It was not Melanie's place to determine my sexuality or to gossip about me in such a way.
I confronted her about it by the lockers after school, but the damage to me had already been done. I locked away my gay sexuality after that moment ~ deeming that I would never be accepted as a girl who likes girls not then, maybe never. I saw all the scenarios of how my life would be hell if I let that truth come out, so instead I became addicted to other things in life and I'm only now recovering all of this as an adult. I'm realizing what parts of myself I'm projecting onto others (you gays reading this lol jk love ya).
I can still remember the fear in Melanie's eyes as I stood by those lockers, and I swear she thought I was about to punch her lights out. I remember turning to food for comfort, caffeine, attention from boys online and in person. I gained weight and stopped hanging around Melanie. I started playing Runescape and surfing Newgrounds, using Yahoo! messenger and AIM. I never resorted to violence or revenge with Melanie. I ignored her.
And in ignoring her ~ I repressed a part of myself for over a decade. But I'm done with that. Melanie doesn't get to win. I get to be happy and comfortable with finally saying for the first time in my life, on my own accord:
I like girls.
