hide under the floor boards
five
four
three
two
one
run
run back to the sperm coated mountain tops
run back to home
before they came
your face shined bright
your cheeks pushed
your teeth showed
your legs, they moved
they hopped in rhythm
only weeks before the guns
Feedback would be great. Thanks.
This is seriously just something I thought off the top of my head because I was bored. I don't really have that much prior experience with writing.
run back to the sperm coated mountain tops
I thought this was pretty good, except for this one line that really threw me for a loop. There is absolutely nothing wrong with sexual themes in literature, but this one line felt really out of place. And it was gross, do you realize how big a mountaintop is? If we're talking a regular mountain, except everything above the tree line is sperm...God, imagine the smell of it though.
Genuinely liked the rest of it though, especially the stanza describing how she used to smile. Would be interested to read an explanation of the sperm coated mountain tops.
It might be cool to do some poetry with you in the future, if you're interested in collaborating. Click the link in my sig, think about maybe doing some projects with WNG.
Krash17's mental health secrets:
Drink more water, sleep well, and if you want friends, be a friend.
I'm confused as to what this is about...IT MUST BE TRUE ART!!!
Seriously, though, for something I can't follow at all, it's not bad. The style is interesting, it doesn't seem pretentious, and it is short and sweet.
As I said previously, this piece is truly wondrous. The different aspects of music and film that you've incorporated work perfectly with the message you're trying to get across. The sperm-covered mountains allow the reader to see the perverse ulterior natures of the villainous party in your work as well as the indirect undertones that are mainly affiliated with the ways of the Nazi Party. Expansion on the piece in the area of the sperm-covered mountains would be a great point to focus on - to allow the reader an explanation and to show them that the sperm is a metaphor for something else.
Beautiful though, very profound.
President of the Writers of Newgrounds | Currently Watching: The Office
For those wondering what this is about, it's based around a Jewish child running away from Nazi troops and trying to get back home during World War 2. As she's running, she's reminded of all the times before the Nazi troops invaded. When she used to smile (teeth showing, face bright, yada yada yada) and when she was able to play like a normal child (hopping in rhythm refers to jump rope, a game normally played by children). A lot of the text in this piece refers to different songs and movies based around World War 2. For instance, Only Weeks Before The Guns is a line from the song "Holland, 1945" by Neutral Milk Hotel. The line "Sperm Coated Mountain Tops" refers to the song "Communist Daughter" also by Neutral Milk Hotel. Both of the songs are based on WW2. The hiding under the floor boards is meant to reference the movie Inglorious Bastards where at the beginning, there is a farmer hiding Jews under his floor boards.
If you were wondering what sperm coated mountain tops were, it means snow covered mountain tops. Her home is on a mountain covered in snow, haha.
