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The Lurkyr: Work In Progress

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The Lurkyr: Work In Progress 2010-10-24 15:49:25


The Lurkyr is a multimedia project I've been working on. This is one of the first chapters in the story detailing the rise of Archon Gregoir. Let me know what you think.

Thick mist filled the alley, casting a protective shade, blotting out the climbing sun. The man at the end of the alley, his body haphazardly strewn on a pile of garbage, finally opened his eyes. Confused, contorted, but conscious. His bones creaked, snapped, and popped as he forced his body to stand. He felt no pain, all he felt was curious. His body, however, felt tight; confining. Examining himself, he found there were tattered rags hanging from his body, clothes? And thick leather covering his feet, boots? Walking through the mist, the moisture licking oddly against his skin, he finally found the mouth of the alley. As he approached, his skin began to feel increasingly hot. When he finally breached the mist, stepping into the crowded sidewalk and shining sun light, his skin burst into flames, yet he still felt no pain.

Before the flames could completely consume him, a powerful arm grabbed him by the throat and yanked him backwards into the alley. Stumbling, he lost his footing and slammed into the ground. The mist felt like tiny daggers against his burnt skin; not pain, however. It wasn't unpleasant, he simply felt it.

From outside the alley, he could hear excited voices. The man who grabbed him, however, was nowhere to be seen. Slowly, he got to his feet and looked around. Deeper in the mist a large black shape stood, still as a statue.

"What do you think you're doing?" the stranger asked, his voice like the rumble of an avalanche; which made sense, except he wasn't sure how he recognized the rumble of an avalanche. He felt like he should know.

"I don't know," the man rasped, his voice rough and foreign. Speech felt oddly natural. He didn't know how he knew the words, or how he understood the stranger, yet understanding was there.

"You're not a Daywalker; you need to keep away from sunlight. What is your name?"

"I don't know," the man responded. The large dark shadow shifted through the mist, coming closer to him. "Are you going to kill me?"

"You need to feed. This mist," the shadow said, gesturing the mist filling the alley, "it isn't mundane, it must be cleared. It's surrounding your essence; it is blocking your connection to your body."

"What does that mean?"

"It means you need to feed."

"How?"

"Unlike you, I can walk in the sun. I'll find something for you."

The shadow passed by him, headed towards the mouth of the alley. "What is my name?"

"We'll both soon know," the stranger responded, before disappearing into the mist.

Why do I want a name? The man thought. Everything he thought seemed to come in halves. He knew he wanted a name, knew he had one, but didn't know why or what. The man returned to his birthplace, taking a seat in the garbage. Any kind of deep thinking seemed stifled. He tried to think hard, and harder yet. But nothing. Nothing ever came. Just half answers to questions he couldn't understand.

He sat there for some time before he finally heard the stranger approach. In his arms was a small girl, kicking and thrashing, her complaints muffled and unintelligible by the stranger's large hand.

"What are you-"

"Feed."

The man wasn't sure what the stranger meant, but he approached anyway, curiosity overtaking him. The stranger genuflected and draped the girl backwards over his knee, tilting her head to expose her neck.

"What am I to feed on? Her?"

"I cannot draw blood without loosening my hold on her. Bite her, and your Hungersense will guide you."

The man got to his knees beside the girl. Her eyes darted everywhere, wild, afraid. She smelled like... it was a scent he couldn't describe. He leaned in and inhaled deeply. The scent flooded his nostrils. It was sharp, exciting, and pleasurable; he felt a stir in his abdomen, soothing warmth. "My mouth is watering. She smells very..."

"Delicious. I smell it too."

"She's just a child. Will she die if I feed on her?"

"Bite her! Your questions will be answered as soon as you feed, now do it."

The scent became stronger. It pulsed against his face in tiny puffs. He leaned in again, placing his face against the girl's neck. She began to buck stronger, strong enough to hit him in the temple with her chin. The feeling was terrible, it... hurt. And now he was upset, no, angry. He roared furiously then snapped his teeth around the little girl's neck. Something warm squirted into his mouth, it poured into it. He swallowed fiercely as it drowned his tongue and dribbled out the corner of his lips. She was no longer bucking as hard, and the man realized he was pinning her to the ground. He shook his head softly, coaxing more blood from the child. He was heaving, sucking in through his nose in sharp whiffs. His hands trembled slightly against the little girl, her body so small and fragile.

"Enough," said the stranger as he placed a hand on the man's shoulder.

The man pulled back roughly, pushing the girl away from him. Her limp body shuffled farther down the alley than he expected. His body was beginning to feel loose now, and his mind, the fog, it was lifting. The mist in the alley was receding as well, his feeding ground in shadow but his birthplace drenched in sun light. The stranger stood behind him, half in sunlight, and half in shadow.

Gregior, he remembered. He examined himself. His clothes were still tattered, but his skin was nearly completely healed. "Gregior," the man said out loud, a satisfied smile on his face.

"I was beginning to grow uncertain," the stranger said as he bowed deeply.

"Of all the Daywalkers, they sent you?" Gregior asked.

"By the time we knew where to find you, it was already past time for a night Awakening. I volunteered, Master. We could not afford further delays."

"Your diligence, as always, is appreciated. Your sacrifice will not be forgotten." In a flash, Gregior was on top of the man. With alacrity he broke arms and legs, as well as the man's spine. "You've been very helpful this day, old friend." Gregior plunged his mouth into the man's neck and, rather than drink the thick blood that oozed out, he inhaled deeply. He felt a coldness scathe the back of his throat and freeze his chest as it fanned out to cover his body. It spread over him until every inch of his body felt numb and cold.

Sirens were approaching quickly. The wall towards the back of the alley led onto a short rooftop, above which he could reach the fire escapes and through them the rooftops. He took a hesitant step into the sunlight. A smile split his lips as the warmth simply soothed the coldness that wracked him. He gathered strength in his legs and sprang upwards, grabbing the lip of the low wall. With one last glance at his friend's corpse, he fled.

Response to The Lurkyr: Work In Progress 2010-10-24 23:04:37


I like it. However the description of the mist being 'mundane' sounds kind of awkward.


When I got outside, the purple fog was spreading. I covered my nose and mouth, and ran home.

BBS Signature

Response to The Lurkyr: Work In Progress 2010-10-25 00:05:34


I like the whole vampire sense to it. I wish to here more.


do you ever listen to your self talk!

BBS Signature

Response to The Lurkyr: Work In Progress 2010-10-25 11:25:31


At 10/24/10 11:04 PM, tinytim12 wrote: I like it. However the description of the mist being 'mundane' sounds kind of awkward.

While I appreciate you taking the time to read it, and provide critique, I can't help but askf or a bit more from you. If you could explain a bit how "mundane" sounds awkward in it's use? Essentially what I was trying to get at is that the mist is supernatural. If you didn't get that, please let me know so I can consider how to make appropriate changes. Again, thank you.

At 10/25/10 12:05 AM, EZBAKE8 wrote: I like the whole vampire sense to it. I wish to here more.

More to come. I'm working on something now that has a bit more far reaching consequences, so you get more story, and more character. The only thing is, it's going to take some time so that I can ensure I get it somewhat right before sharing. It will come, however. And I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Response to The Lurkyr: Work In Progress 2010-10-26 16:06:39


At 10/24/10 03:49 PM, Deathcon7 wrote:
The Lurkyr is a multimedia project I've been working on. This is one of the first chapters in the story detailing the rise of Archon Gregoir. Let me know what you think.

Sounds good. When you say "one of the first chapters," though, do you mean this is definitely not the first chapter?

Thick mist filled the alley, casting a protective shade, blotting out the climbing sun. [...] When he finally breached the mist, stepping into the crowded sidewalk and shining sun light, his skin burst into flames, yet he still felt no pain.

Before the flames could completely consume him, a powerful arm grabbed him by the throat and yanked him backwards into the alley. Stumbling, he lost his footing and slammed into the ground. The mist felt like tiny daggers against his burnt skin; not pain, however. It wasn't unpleasant, he simply felt it.

These two opening paragraphs are rather interesting and offer enough exposition to keep the reader involved while leaving out enough details to maintain that "what's going on here?" type of feeling.

From outside the alley, he could hear excited voices. The man who grabbed him, however, was nowhere to be seen. Slowly, he got to his feet and looked around. Deeper in the mist a large black shape stood, still as a statue.

"What do you think you're doing?" the stranger asked, his voice like the rumble of an avalanche; which made sense, except he wasn't sure how he recognized the rumble of an avalanche. He felt like he should know.

I like the question offered by the servant (?) here in that it implies they know each other somehow. Great descriptive narrative as well.

"I don't know," the man rasped, his voice rough and foreign. Speech felt oddly natural. He didn't know how he knew the words, or how he understood the stranger, yet understanding was there.

"You're not a Daywalker; you need to keep away from sunlight. What is your name?"

Does the servant ask Gregior this in an attempt to gauge his master's current comprehension levels? On my first read through, it really seemed that the servant didn't know who G was at all. I don't want to assume your authorial intention, so I guess I'm just letting you know how it came across to me.

"I don't know," the man responded. The large dark shadow shifted through the mist, coming closer to him. "Are you going to kill me?"

"We'll both soon know," the stranger responded, before disappearing into the mist.

This line goes with my last comment, maybe change it to something along the lines of "you'll know soon enough"

Why do I want a name? The man thought. Everything he thought seemed to come in halves. He knew he wanted a name, knew he had one, but didn't know why or what. The man returned to his birthplace, taking a seat in the garbage. Any kind of deep thinking seemed stifled. He tried to think hard, and harder yet. But nothing. Nothing ever came. Just half answers to questions he couldn't understand.

I really like the term 'birthplace' you used in this passage. It offers the reader a chance to fully realize how fresh/new everything seems to Gregior at this juncture.

He sat there for some time before he finally heard the stranger approach. In his arms was a small girl, kicking and thrashing, her complaints muffled and unintelligible by the stranger's large hand.

"What are you-"

"Feed."

The man wasn't sure what the stranger meant, but he approached anyway, curiosity overtaking him. The stranger genuflected and draped the girl backwards over his knee, tilting her head to expose her neck.

"What am I to feed on? Her?"

"I cannot draw blood without loosening my hold on her. Bite her, and your Hungersense will guide you."

The man got to his knees beside the girl. Her eyes darted everywhere, wild, afraid. She smelled like... it was a scent he couldn't describe. He leaned in and inhaled deeply. The scent flooded his nostrils. It was sharp, exciting, and pleasurable; he felt a stir in his abdomen, soothing warmth. "My mouth is watering. She smells very..."

"Delicious. I smell it too."

This line suggests that the servant is himself a Vamp of sorts, is that what you're implying?

The scent became stronger. It pulsed against his face in tiny puffs. He leaned in again, placing his face against the girl's neck. She began to buck stronger, strong enough to hit him in the temple with her chin. The feeling was terrible, it... hurt. And now he was upset, no, angry. He roared furiously then snapped his teeth around the little girl's neck. Something warm squirted into his mouth, it poured into it. He swallowed fiercely as it drowned his tongue and dribbled out the corner of his lips. She was no longer bucking as hard, and the man realized he was pinning her to the ground. He shook his head softly, coaxing more blood from the child. He was heaving, sucking in through his nose in sharp whiffs. His hands trembled slightly against the little girl, her body so small and fragile.

How about instead of "something warm squirted into his mouth," change it to "warmth entered his mouth," squirted just sounds a little off here; I think I'm making a very minor point with this, though.

Response to The Lurkyr: Work In Progress 2010-10-26 16:08:15


"Enough," said the stranger as he placed a hand on the man's shoulder.

The man pulled back roughly, pushing the girl away from him. Her limp body shuffled farther down the alley than he expected. His body was beginning to feel loose now, and his mind, the fog, it was lifting. The mist in the alley was receding as well, his feeding ground in shadow but his birthplace drenched in sun light. The stranger stood behind him, half in sunlight, and half in shadow.

Gregior, he remembered. He examined himself. His clothes were still tattered, but his skin was nearly completely healed. "Gregior," the man said out loud, a satisfied smile on his face.

"I was beginning to grow uncertain," the stranger said as he bowed deeply.

"Of all the Daywalkers, they sent you?" Gregior asked.

What's wrong with this particular Daywalker? Will this character have a name in future versions? Maybe he will be described in a previous chapter if this isn't the first chapter?

"By the time we knew where to find you, it was already past time for a night Awakening. I volunteered, Master. We could not afford further delays."

"Your diligence, as always, is appreciated. Your sacrifice will not be forgotten." In a flash, Gregior was on top of the man. With alacrity he broke arms and legs, as well as the man's spine. "You've been very helpful this day, old friend." Gregior plunged his mouth into the man's neck and, rather than drink the thick blood that oozed out, he inhaled deeply. He felt a coldness scathe the back of his throat and freeze his chest as it fanned out to cover his body. It spread over him until every inch of his body felt numb and cold.

Why kill this servant? Seems the adage "good help is hard to find" is applicable to my question here. This guy volunteered to hunt down and revive Gregior, and in return he gets a gruesome death? Is it because Gregior has something against killing little girls and he's punishing the servant? Or maybe he knew escape from authorities would be impossible for the servant, so killing him was the easiest way to assure he wouldn't talk?

Sirens were approaching quickly. The wall towards the back of the alley led onto a short rooftop, above which he could reach the fire escapes and through them the rooftops. He took a hesitant step into the sunlight. A smile split his lips as the warmth simply soothed the coldness that wracked him. He gathered strength in his legs and sprang upwards, grabbing the lip of the low wall. With one last glance at his friend's corpse, he fled.

So after feeding he can tolerate sunlight? I do like that, even though supernatural, he couldn't just automatically jump to the top of one of the buildings.

I'd like to see past (or further) exposition to this story to get a fuller understanding of why this story is being told or at least be able to pinpoint some themes. The story is easy to read and comprehend, and I look forward to reading more chapters (be they before or after this one).

Response to The Lurkyr: Work In Progress 2010-10-26 16:13:44


I appreciate your input, Ducky. I also appreciate you offering your insight. The most basic goal I was trying to reach was simply to gain interest; see how many people actually get through it. Thus far, here and elsewhere, I've gotten positive feedback on flow and interest, so this is a step in a good direction.

To confirm, this is NOT the first chapter. This is actually the first of a bunch of firsts in the story as a whole; it's a beginining, not the beginning. Anyway, I was trying to introduce themes with this that will flow into the rest of the universe and expand it out. The next chapter is another of the firsts, and it parallels this one, except on the other side of the fence, so to speak.

You'll get a bit more clarity with the next submission, and hopefully a better scope on this initial piece. Again, thanks for reading.

Response to The Lurkyr: Work In Progress 2010-10-26 16:26:19


At 10/26/10 04:13 PM, Deathcon7 wrote: I appreciate your input, Ducky. I also appreciate you offering your insight. The most basic goal I was trying to reach was simply to gain interest; see how many people actually get through it. Thus far, here and elsewhere, I've gotten positive feedback on flow and interest, so this is a step in a good direction.

To confirm, this is NOT the first chapter. This is actually the first of a bunch of firsts in the story as a whole; it's a beginining, not the beginning. Anyway, I was trying to introduce themes with this that will flow into the rest of the universe and expand it out. The next chapter is another of the firsts, and it parallels this one, except on the other side of the fence, so to speak.

You'll get a bit more clarity with the next submission, and hopefully a better scope on this initial piece. Again, thanks for reading.

The flow in this piece is great (imo), and I didn't come across any portions where I had to reread anything for better comprehension. I'm pretty excited to see the scope of this universe and the parallels offered through different chapters. I like reading supernatural stories that offer something different than the rest and yours, thus far, seems to be going in the right direction.

Response to The Lurkyr: Work In Progress 2010-10-26 18:18:09


Thanks for your input, Ducky. As promised, here is another chapter. This one, however, may be the last for a while as I've got further planning to do and I don't want to through out any ideas I may end up retracting and using later.

"You've been standing there a long time. Either you like the view, or you're still trying to figure out how to kill me."
Joseph continued to look out over the city as he waited for a response. He crouched, perched on the lip of the Angol spire, the tallest structure in the city, and located at its very heart. His eyes, by no means, were sharp enough to make out any trouble below, but he wasn't looking for trouble. He wished he could say he were a hero. All he was now was a hunter. Perched like an eagle, he watched and waited for the telltale sign of his prey.
"You shouldn't be doing this alone," said the stranger from behind him. Her voice was feminine, but strong; commanding.
"Sitting around isn't really the most dangerous thing I do, you know." Joseph turned towards the woman, hopping down from his spot on the lip of the building and leaning against the small wall. He tried to emanate calm, but he was ready to pounce on a moment's notice.
The woman stepped out of the shadows, dragging some of it with her like a black cloak made of mist. She was completely suited in black leather, from under the top of her boots, to hugging her neck just below her chin. Her jet black hair wafted slightly in the wind. Joseph took in every detail of her as he was sure she did of him. Aside from the curves of her body and the grace of her step, he could see the deadliness in her posture; her feet planted in such a way as to allow her to spring into several stances.
But the most telling feature was the eyes; his own were still darkening, like a drop of black dye in a bowl of water. Hers, however, were like deep shadow. Looking into them was terrifying, an emotion he hadn't felt in some time. He could see the Essence filling her, spilling from her eyes like tears of mist.
Joseph averted his gaze.
"You need someone to rein in that arrogance or you'll quickly find yourself on a platter."
Joseph wanted to rebut, but instead he pushed off the wall and squared his shoulders. He knew a bully when he met one, and this was most certainly going to be a bully. "Why are you here?"
"We're on the same side, Joseph. Do I really need a reason?" She walked up beside him and leaned back against the wall.
The wind tugged at her hair, and moonlight reflected off of the black surface of her eyes. She had strong features; assertive cheekbones, prominent, sloping nose, face thinned to a point like a romanticized heart; all added to her domineering presence. Joseph realized just how beautiful she was.
"Are you saying I have a side kick now?" he asked.
She laughed softly. "No. I'm saying I have a new assignment, and I have a sidekick."
"Bullshit."
"Believe what you'd like, but it's true."
"No... no! This is my city. Mine."
"Not anymore."
"Who the hell are you, anyway?" Joseph used to have trouble hitting women. It only took the single time that one tried to kill him to get over the discomfort.
"Gretch. And I would relax those fists, fighting me isn't going to change anything." Turning around, she hopped onto the top of the small wall. Squatting, she slapped the area next to her, beckoning Joseph over. Begrudgingly, he complied. "This doesn't have to be a bad thing, Joe. I need a city, and you need help."
"I've got things well under control," Joseph said, trying his best not to simply push the woman over the edge. He had to get a hold on his temper; the last time he met a Guardian, he nearly lost his status; perhaps this was a test.
"Do you know what an Archon is?"
Joseph didn't answer. Eventually, she took his silence as answer.
"Whenever enough demons gather, their essence calls out to something more powerful: an Archon. They're like children when they don't have one guiding them, but when they do they become attached to it, they become more powerful, more organized."
"Well, no Archons here, you can go back to your own city."
"This is my city."
"No, this is my city. Your city is the one with all the demons having a grand time because its Guardian decided to become a pain in my ass instead."
"Do you know what happens when you defeat an Archon?"
Joseph rolled his eyes, but didn't respond.
"You get these," she said, pointing to her eyes. "And all the demons connected to it go poof. It took me a couple months to get over the hangover. When I did, I was sent here. I'm a pawn just as you are; take your anger out on the bad guys."
Joseph had steadily felt the floor dropping away from him. Now, he was simply falling without any hope of stopping. This woman was more powerful than he was, more experienced, and most important: proven. There was nothing he could about it; he was going to be a side-kick.
"Why are you still pouting?"
Joseph smirked then returned to scowling. "Perhaps I'd be more impressed if it didn't mean I was being replaced."
She placed a firm hand on his shoulder. Her face was suddenly very severe. "This isn't a contest or game, Joseph. They need you," she said, passing a hand over the city outstretched beneath them. "They need someone who can save them, and protect them, even when they don't think they need either. I'm here to teach. If you fight me, you're only hurting them."
"I'm not a hero, I'm a hunter. Take away my prey and I become about as useful as a rock."
"That's where you're wrong. Let me help you realize your full potential, and earn back your city."
From the corner of his eyes, Joseph spotted a stir. Through the buildings, he could see a swirling grey mist, the sign that told him it was time to work. "I've earned it ten times over," he said, then jumped.
His stomach to the ground, and his arms to his sides, Joseph shot through the air like a bullet. He blew through a thousand feet in no time. Pulling his glove off, he put his Holyhand in front of him and used its power to slow his descent, lighting on a rooftop. Using his momentum, he navigated the rooftops and over large gaps. When he finally reached the alley, he found the shambling corpse walking in tight, confused circles. He whistled and the corpse froze.
"Who... who's there?"
Joseph repositioned his sheath on his back, and unbuckled the hilt's strap. He noticed a shift in the shadows just outside the light of the alley. Gretch stepped out of the darkness, unstrapping her Holyhand as the shamble man continued his dazed, frantic searching.
"You better get down there if you want to help your spawn," Joseph said, still watching Gretch creep up on the walking corpse.
The demon walked up next to Joseph, peering over the edge, surprise superseding caution. He was a Drainer demon, what the cultists would call a vampire. "Who is that!?"
"My new boss, I guess. Now get down there before--, well, I guess it's too late now."
"I'm out of here. She just melted his head off!"
Joseph sprang up from his crouch and spin kicked the demon. He caught it in the cheek, sending it flipping over the ledge and into the alley. It landed behind Gretch with a thump, causing her to flip away and fall into a defensive pose. Joseph jumped down, slowing his descent as he unsheathed his sword and lopped the demons head off. The mist in the alley began to intensify, becoming increasingly opaque. Lifting his Holyhand, he absorbed the floating Essence before it could coalesce. The cross scarred into his palm glowed, and burned against his skin. The mist around him began to swirl and disappear into the light of his palm. As the mist entered him, he could feel it empowering him as his mystical digestion consumed the demon spirits.

Response to The Lurkyr: Work In Progress 2010-10-26 18:21:54


Forgot to copy/paste the formatted version. Sorry! Anyway, here is the conclusion of the chapter, formatted properly.

"Well done," Gretch said, once the mist was finally expelled.

Joseph brushed past her, "Thanks," then left the alley. He managed to walk a few blocks before Gretch materialized from the ally he was passing. She grabbed him by the arm, turned him, and then slammed him against the wall. He bucked against her but her hold was solid.

"If you're going to fight me every step of the way, then we're not going to get anywhere."

"I'm not fighting you, go ahead and take over my city, I'll be more than happy to skulk in the shadows and watch as you make me useless."

"Grow up, Joe, because pretty soon you're going to find you need me."

"I'd wager against that."

"An Archon rose this morning."

That shut him up.

"No cheeky response?"

He bucked one more time, trying to get free, but just turned away. He was trapped. Feeling too foolish to stay angry and too weak to walk away. It was frustrating.

"I don't know why someone had to be sent here, or why it was me. Maybe it's because I've killed an Archon, maybe it's because you'll need me to succeed, or maybe it's because I was the closest Guardian to you. Either way, no one expected an Archon here of all places, but here it is, and you're going to need my help to deal with it. So for as long as I'm here, check your attitude, and do as I say."
Joseph didn't respond. Anything he said now would only encourage her. Instead he stood silent, staring out towards the street and passing cars. Eventually she released him. When he returned his attention to the alley, she was already gone.

He knew he was being childish, he knew he should be more inviting, but the sentiment just wasn't there. He didn't ask to be a Guardian; it was basically forced onto him. Now they were going to make him obsolete because they didn't believe in him to defeat an Archon. Well, he wasn't going to make it easy. Fighting for the city was the only option, and if that meant being childish, then so be it.

The sun was just about to poke its head over the horizon by the time Joseph returned to his apartment. The exterior of the building was in various states of disrepair; bricks were cracked, gum was caked onto the wall, and spray paint overlapped itself in indeterminable layers. The whole block reflected the same semi-functional abandon. The place was full of humility however, a trait for which the higher-ups had an affinity. As he entered the building, he was struck by the familiar muted stench of urine. The smell intensified as he climbed up the stairs, but he ignored it. Something was bothering him, but he couldn't figure out what. He had to force his shoulders to relax several times. When he finally reached his door, it dawned on him.

He cracked the door open slowly and slipped inside. Sliding along the wall, he turned left at the corner and headed down the short hall between kitchen and living room, behind him, and his own bedroom, ahead and to the right. The apartment was still fairly dark, lit only by the pre-dawn glow of the sky.

At the end of the hall was the bathroom. His back against the wall, he slumped down to the ground. He was right. Looking again, he saw the door to the bathroom was closed, and light was spilling out from underneath.

She was here.

"You're home late," she said, her voice muffled by the door.
He slapped a hand to his forehead. Things were getting worse. "I don't need a mother, one is enough."

"If you get caught out there during sun up, and you're cornered by a Daywalker, it'll be your own hide."

Pushing himself back up, he went to his room.

"I've already set you up on the couch," she said.

Looking around, he noticed his entire room had been taken over. Duffle bags littered the floor, clothes poking out of them like fabric flowers from the cracks in a boulder. "What is all this?"

"It's my stuff, don't touch any of it."

It's a good thing we're twelve, he thought. "For an all-powerful Guardian, you have a lot of shit."

The bathroom door slammed open. Gretch's face was dripping, her hair was tied up in a soggy bun, and a towel was wrapped tightly around her body. Her eyes, however, were once again normal. He noticed how green they were, like small jade stones. "My prerogative is my own, now leave my room, and return to your own." She stood glaring at him as he walked out of the room, and down the hall way, before returning to the bathroom.

A smile split his lips as he dropped onto the couch. He knew something wasn't right about this whole situation, but for the first time in the night, he finally had some ground to stand on. A glimmer of hope ushered him to sleep.

Response to The Lurkyr: Work In Progress 2010-10-27 15:47:25


Deathcon, I want you to know I've read all of this and there are a few parts that I will hit on later. I'd do it now but I have a lot of work I need to complete tonight.

Quick thoughts on it: I like the superhero feel of these characters, which is a cool contrast to the supernatural feel of the first chapter you submitted.