TEO

[con7822]

This is half of chapter one i wanted feedback if it was going fast enough and was keeping attention please leave feedback thanks.

On a planet called Earth not to different from the one that your on, well there is one difference everyone has super powers. From space you would never know, it all looks peaceful and happy but the reality is that on this planet there is a war. The world is at war with a Organization called TEO (The Exiled Ones). Right now a great battle is happening in a county called Scotland and that's is where this story begins.

A man in a green and muddy army uniform pointing towards a hills screams "Here comes another Wave of Heth!"
screaming and shouting more than 20 samely dressed men charge towards the hill all throwing flames,ice,earth and ripples of air from there bodies towards hundreds of black faceless men. Boom the first volley of attacks hit the faceless men, the ones hit just explode and vaporize. The Heth do not even move they just watch as the soldiers run towards them screaming and throwing more powers at them.
"Tell your men to fall back cant you see its a trap General." Instructed the voice behind the general.
The general spun round to look at a man who was around five foot ten. He had bright red hair and his face was covered with a mask which had only had one right eye hole there was no left one. His huge black trench coat covered him from neck to shoes and with his hands in his pockets he was just this floating tench coat and head.
"WHAT! YOU! what are you doing here?"
The masked man walking past the general looking towards the chaos at the hill simple replied " I was send here by headquarters to check the area good thing too the Heth have never been one's for plans yet, the last 4 battles I have been in they had a plan. This worries me looks like their leader is making moves and we don't know what it is." he turns to look at the general "this worries me. Oh and yes didn't I say pull your men back I will deal with this."
The general in a sweat looks down and stutters "Y Y Yes Sir!"

As the general starts screaming into his walkie talkie the masked man starts walking calmly towards the hill were the battle still continues. He continues to walk untill he is at the bottom of the hill and all the men are running back swishing past him. The masked man turns to look at where he has come from and shouts "Are all your men back?"
a shout replays "Yes"
The masked man turns back towards the hill and notices the army of Heth are slowly walking towards him. There is no sense of panic or urgency when he pulls out his right hand from his coat he does it calmly and abit lazily and points towards the heth open palmed.
BOOM a huge explosion in the middle of the Heth army. Dusk everywhere and black bits and pieces go flying past the masked man. It takes a few seconds but the dust settles and in its place is a huge crater where the Heth used to be.Some Heth are still standing others are getting up but only about a handfull are left.
"Dam i was hoping that would waste them all and i cant do it again looks like am doing this the long way. Dammit!"
He pulls out his other hand and like a bullet shoots towards them. The Heth notice him and for the first time in the battle get ready, they all morph their black hands into black weapons swords, hammers and scythes all ready to kill him.

"General who is that masked man?"
"Dont you know? Thats Ammon the hidden one."
"What the real Ammon the Ammon who took down a entire Heth Headquarters by himself, Ammon the war hero!"
"The very one son today we witness a monster at work."

[con7822]

As Ammon is fighting the Heth on the hill a lone man suddenly appears on top. He is wearing a trench coat much like Ammons but with a few differences, his has red lined on his sleeves and has a badge with a number on it. Ammon seeing him stops fighting and the Heth retreat to the top of the hill where the man is standing.
Ammon mutters "Rimmon..."
In better view of the man, he is about 6foot has black hair and his eyes are tired and blood shot with his skin being a light orange.
"Ahh its you again Ammon your beginning to be a thorn in our plan , you know."
"Whats one of the twelve seats doing here! Answer me Rimmon!"
"now now calm down." just after rimmons sentence he appears in front of Ammon in a eye blink "am not here to fight am here to offer you something."
Ammon not even flinching replies "What is this offer then?"
"Good it seems you have a little in the way of manners, very well am here to offer you a partnership, Join us Ammon. You are one of the very few extremely powerful fighters in the army , so much infact that you have your own name be it a little cheesy for my liking 'Ammon the hidden one' i mean blah"
"Here was me thinking you were going to offer a truce. shame."
Rimmons smug grin turned into a fowl scowl "Sarcasms is the lowest form of wit you know,"
"Really! Anyway I always thought there was only meant to be twelve seats if I did accept wouldn't there be thirteen or would I have to kill one of you, If I accept doI get to kill you Rimmon?"
"Very funny you are on the right lines Ammon but not me as you see from my badge number am number six, you would fight with number twelve our weakest member, and that's only if you want to join of course."
"What if i say no?"
"Easy everyone here dies same for you."
"Dam you put up a good argument, hmmm join you guys or die, join you guys or die. well am going to have to go for option number three."
With a smirk on Rimmons face replies "and that's?"
"oh didn't i say silly me. I kill you kill the remaining Heth and then kill your boss."
Rimmon bursts into laughter "you are a funny one I like you as a reward I will show you something cool"
Rimmon Disappears from sight then reappears on top of the hill. He does not reappear alone he comes back with a giant Heth about twenty to twenty-five foot high.
"I Call this big guy 'Daddy Heth' I made him with hundreds of Baby Heth"

[InsertFunnyUserName]

The first paragraph is offsetting. It's too direct and introduces almost every part of the overall premise all in one place, which isn't good. You should intertwine your details with the running story instead of putting them all at the beginning. Also, such an intro has the added downside of not having that great of a hook.

There's a consistent and distracting misuse of punctuation all throughout this which caused me to have to stop and reread parts, sometimes numerous times, before I understand what you were trying to say. I can point them out if you want, but for now I'll just say that you should go back and proofread.

Your wording itself can become very repetitious. The words that you use are very basic and too general. There's nothing wrong with not using tons and tons of advanced vocabulary, but the problem here is that you're using the same basic and vague words over and over. Branch out and substitute some different, more unique words that are specific to each detail instead of ones that cover the basic idea, if that makes sense. If there's a more specific word that you can think of, then use it because that will both create a more intriguing, smoother narration and it will develop a more intricate mood.

For example, take this paragraph...

"A man in a green and muddy army uniform pointing towards a hills screams "Here comes another Wave of Heth!" [S]creaming and shouting[,] more than 20 samely dressed men charge towards the hill all throwing flames,ice,earth and ripples of air from there bodies towards hundreds of black faceless men. Boom the first volley of attacks hit the faceless men, the ones hit just explode and vaporize. The Heth do not even move they just watch as the soldiers run towards them screaming and throwing more powers at them."

...and start substituting different words.

"A man in a green and muddy army uniform pointing towards a hills fearfully declared "Here comes another Wave of Heth!" growling and shouting[,] more than 20 samely dressed soldiers charge towards the hill all throwing flames,ice,earth and ripples of air from there bodies towards hundreds of black faceless opponents. Boom the first volley of attacks hit the amorphous men, the ones impacted just explode and vaporize. The Heth do not even move they just watch as the soldiers run towards them hollering and firing more powers at them."

I'm not saying these are the words you should have used, I'm just using it as an example of how instead of using the words "faceless," "men," "scream," etc multiple times, replacing them with synonyms can improve how the narration flows.

Along those lines, a good number of your sentences have awkward phrasing. Again, I can point those out, but for now I'll just say proofread.

I noticed that you have some character descriptions that aren't really relevant. For instance, you described the general as being five foot ten, but because five foot ten in a pretty average height for a man, it doesn't say much about his character so having it in there only works to pause the story.

One small little detail is that it's generally not flattering to put anything (except for acronyms, obviously) in all caps.

Regarding your comment about the pacing, no, I don't think it's too slow. In fact, I think that it's going a little too fast. Slow down and go into some more detail about the action. For example, instead of just saying that the soldiers throw fire, ice, etc at their opposition, describe their moves and and go into detail about how the opposition is effected.

It doesn't really seem like the characters have very unique personalities. They seem like stock characters that are one step short of interchangeable in terms of their character traits.

I noticed that you don't say anything about the setting. In a first chapter of a novel that's not set in our world today or a world that the majority of your audience is already familiar with (for instance, if you say that your setting is in 19th century Britain, your reader is most likely going to already be able to imagine it, but since your setting isn't a place we've read/learned about before, you need to give us that information either with direct descriptions or indirect inferences), you want to, in your narration, allude to what the world around your characters is like by describing pieces of the setting. You don't have to go into a lot of detail about it, but describing the landscape as barren is going to completely change the reader's perception of the scene than if if you were to say that it's a large meadow near a small but prosperous suburban town. Because, your setting is what's going to tell the reader the most about what it's like be living in that time/place (that is, the most this side of telling the reader directly in a straightforward manner, but that's something that you absolutely want to avoid).

That all being said, I'm fond of the premise and I like where it's going. I think that with a plot like this, you have a lot of room to put a good amount of depth into it as well as creating something that's going to be intriguing to the reader. Just make sure not to run into any cliches and I think you have something that could be rather interesting and engaging if you improve the execution.

[con7822]

thanks for the feedback a real help i felt the same about the beginning that it was the middle of a noval rather than the beginning. am glad you still likeit even with a few minor set backs i wil keep uploade#ing more =)