The Bone Sword

[Omnifarm]

This story starts out following a moderate caravan of traders on there way to Delameer where a figure is greeted by a man atop his wares the man standing is known only as The Deathstalker fir he was their undertaker burying the dead scaring the living he wields a short sword of dragon made in main with part of its ribcage the pommel head is three studded ball carved from the horn behind the blade at its bottom there is the a three root tooth still stained with blood it's hilt is wrapped in blackened scales the blade itself is sharpened to the finest point by his jewel bladed knife. He is a master at the white lotus fighting style indicated by the ring on his right middle finger he is a mercenary for hire he takes a seemingly simple mission he faces gangs vampires demons and the end of the world. Ill add the occasional story piece. I need to know what to put

[skatehack]

If you want us to write your story, as stated above, that's not gonna work out.

If you want us to help you think of some ideas, there's better ways to go about asking that.

[Omnifarm]

If you don't want to help say so don't lie about what I say

[InsertFunnyUserName]

Well, I feel like I need to point out that there was a severe deficit of punctuation in that paragraph, making it hard to follow. Make sure you punctuate that shiz or such a lack of grammatical structure will make it harder for the reader to get what you're trying to say.

Anyhoo, you have an interesting idea, but I'm not sure how exactly I can help you. There's no plot here yet; you just have a character description. I suggest thinking about it a little more and then coming back to us with a general skeleton of what you think your plot is going to look like. Then we can help you flesh it out. But, as of right now, aside from writing your story for you, as was said above, there isn't a lot that we can do.

[Omnifarm]

"No Man of Pure Dark or Bright May Enter here if thy Life Holds Value to Thee."
-Tower of Eden, Door inscription- Translated by Ambassador Don Zoe

as for the plot they travel to Delameer, meet the Ambassador, gets hired as bodyguard, moves to next city, finds an underground gang, kills most of it meets their leader Silamoon(don't criticize it was made up on the spot) the Vampire, kills him breaking his jewel knife, leaves it in the ground where it broke, leaves and reaches Castle Sombrelight, Where 15 years ago King Leodin formed the portals the outer worlds, Everworld and the Underworld , each one banishes the other, they enter the light and find Leodin, who tells them about the Tower of Eden and that only a man untainted by the light or the dark may enter. They continue into the dark and face demons, foul souls and the spirit of a Dragon, all to reach a chest that is said to contain the key of darkness made from the anger and hate from all the souls that leave the earth, they head to Eden only to find its structure failing, and head inside the tower begins to fall at with it the earth facing scours of foes and reconstruct it by combining both keys in the central chamber, the center of the world,

now there are some things missed here but thats the basic plot, in fact there was an entire section about the Del Moore Nonlee Vampire hunting league. Silamoon killed much like Dracula execpt with a jewel blade instead of steel. I also left out the fire sword of Montegerme, and Omnias semi- omniscient (knows all that is and was but not what shall be) being and controller of time.

[Reptyle]

You need to pare down your ideas a bit. Taking IFUN's advice about the structure and mechanics of your posts will probably make it easier to pick out and expand important parts of the story, both for you and the reader.

As it is, your plot description is all over the place. You've mixed general descriptions of events with very specific details. Things like "Breaking his jewel knife leaves it in the ground" (verb tense errors therein, by the way) are not significant enough to be placed in a basic overview of such a complicated story, unless this is extremely relevant to the plot and there is an explanation of why this jeweled knife's abandonement is important.

There also seems to be an assumption that the reader already knows what you're talking about. For example, what is Delameer (village, city, monastery?) and why is it so important that the protagonist travels to Delameer? What is the significance of the quote?

I could see prefacing a chapter or act of a story with a quote, but to do so with a plot summary is unusual.

Perhaps try writing a relatively organized first chapter and putting it up. This may make it a bit more evident where the story us going and what needs to be done.

And so I leave you with a series of disconnected ramblings while asking for increased organization. How hypocritical of me.

[Coop]

You're getting closer to a working synopsis here, but like IFUN and Reptyle have said, there is a distinct lack of shape and far too many "SPG" errors.

Break up your sentences more, perhaps lay it out as a set of bullet points and see if you can run through them in order to how you think the story should go in your mind.

Sure, we're able (and possibly even willing) to help you with your pieces, but you need to learn the basics of writing. Iron out some of those elementary errors, double space between paragraphs and see if you can develop some real writing, as opposed to "here's my idea for a story, someone write it for me. Go." That won't get you anywhere. If someone did do that, you'd be lucky to get the credit for inspiring them so far.

When you've prepared a synopsis, try writing a few paragraphs and see how it goes. This might stretch to something more, so you might want to proof read it first, then post it here, for someone to help you with. Any program you word process with (Word, WordPerfect, OpenOffice) comes with a spell checker these days, so please use that, but make sure that you're using your own language, as my browser's version does default US English, which is annoying from time to time.

[Omnifarm]

At 3/25/10 12:05 AM, Reptyle wrote: You need to pare down your ideas a bit. Taking IFUN's advice about the structure and mechanics of your posts will probably make it easier to pick out and expand important parts of the story, both for you and the reader.

As it is, your plot description is all over the place. You've mixed general descriptions of events with very specific details. Things like "Breaking his jewel knife leaves it in the ground" (verb tense errors therein, by the way) are not significant enough to be placed in a basic overview of such a complicated story, unless this is extremely relevant to the plot and there is an explanation of why this jeweled knife's abandonement is important.

the specific details are because without them it would be a little confusing. the knife is important because it brings in the Del Moore Nonlee Vampire hunting league, and the Fire Sword of Montegerme.

There also seems to be an assumption that the reader already knows what you're talking about. For example, what is Delameer (village, city, monastery?) and why is it so important that the protagonist travels to Delameer? What is the significance of the quote?

The Quote is part of the story. Delameer is important because it's the only city name I have.

As I said before I don't want you to type the story for me,

[Reptyle]

At 3/25/10 07:51 PM, Omnifarm wrote:

At 3/25/10 12:05 AM, Reptyle wrote: As it is, your plot description is all over the place. You've mixed general descriptions of events with very specific details. Things like "Breaking his jewel knife leaves it in the ground" are not significant enough to be placed in a basic overview of such a complicated story, unless this is extremely relevant to the plot and there is an explanation of why this jeweled knife's abandonement is important.

the specific details are because without them it would be a little confusing. the knife is important because it brings in the Del Moore Nonlee Vampire hunting league, and the Fire Sword of Montegerme.

Okay, you've explained something that seems irrelevant with something that will make little sense to someone who doesn't already know the story. The "Del Moore Nonlee Vampire Hunting League" and "Fire Sword of Montegerme" have not been directly tied to the plot, and you didn't really say how this jeweled knife relates to the above, only that it does.

[PinballWizard976]

....what? I know you are trying to make names that fit, but I can not for the life of me follow your story man. The writing forum is here so you can showcase something that at least has some substance. Not that I'm saying yours doesn't, but you should work out character descriptions and plot outlines in your own private spot (notebook, word document, whatever). Like, once you get a rough idea of how you want your characters/plot to be, you should work on the actual writing aspect of it. Just look at it from the other people in this forum's viewpoint. What are we supposed to do with this? Change your characters/plot? That's like switching a person's organs around, if that person were a piece of writing. Basically, work this stuff out before you begin to write. I can't follow a dozen different names after only reading the first paragraph. Work them in slowly. Also, try and not say things so bluntly. Don't just say "he was the master of white snake fighting"; maybe try "His finger, heavily beaten and worn by countless battles (or something), bore a single white ring, which signified to the common observer that he was not one to be trampled with. Indeed, he was a white snake name blah blah blah". Now obviously this sounds pretty bad, but that's because this kind of stuff doesn't really interest me one bit. I somewhat have skill in writing things that do interest me, but nowhere near as good as I would like it to be. I always feel like my stuff is lacking a certain 'umph' to it. But see, this is what you need to work on. Practicing over and over and over again until you are satisfied with the product. Try some of that, then submit stuff on the writing forum. Now, if you are asking for advice about if this character seems right for the role in mind, then go for it. But these kinds of things should be kept in the back of your notebook, as there isn't much to critique. Like, what am I supposed to do? Tell you you should change your plot? I dunno. I feel like I gave this too much thought. My bad.

[Omnifarm]

If you don't want to help say so. Unless you lack the skill it takes to deal with me, in which you should leave and never return!
-Omnias, Tower of Eden

I had expected that at least one person on the NG BBS to be able help and have the skills to notice that I didn't ask for the story or the plot (yes, it was a bit thought-based) but how i would wright the material that has no point in plot wise for the setting and deepness of detail.
"I do what you ask, but not what you expect"
-King Loedin, Everworld

I don't expect you to know what I am saying but I expect that you could adapt to it as I could have.
"The Rain may fall but it did not come, for it was always there, waiting, and watching. But I saw it too, and I prepared."
-Silamoon, Underworld

Stop correcting me we are on NewGrounds Writing forum or not you are allowed some slack, and in case you haven't noticed I am a bit lazy in my writing, and to Everybody who hasn't read my user page I gave my self a deadline of two Years.
"We shall not fight here, it is hollowed ground."
"Hollowed ground or not, that won't stop me from ripping your eyes out."
-Silamoon & Stalker, Gates of Eden.

This is just for fun.
"Yaaagh-aaah, FUCK!"
-Sir Asbian's last words, ruins of Tomoora

it takes awhile to type these, and somebody burnt water while i typed so I forgot what I was going to put here, so I'll put this instead.

And so the sun set successfully again on a sleeping world unaware of the near-imminent danger it was in. The two lone figures walked away from the rebuilt tower, and into the distance to end the day.
-???

[Reptyle]

At 3/26/10 10:28 PM, Omnifarm wrote: If you don't want to help say so. Unless you lack the skill it takes to deal with me, in which you should leave and never return!
-Omnias, Tower of Eden

These quotes are extremely distracting. It's like trying to coverse with someone who spews the lines on the bottoms of TGC cards at random intervals.

I had expected that at least one person on the NG BBS to be able help and have the skills to notice that I didn't ask for the story or the plot (yes, it was a bit thought-based) but how i would wright the material that has no point in plot wise for the setting and deepness of detail.

I don't believe anyone ever attemted to right the story for you, and you got some excellent feedback from folks like Evark and IFUN. Within the story itself, try to have as little "material that has no point" as possible. If a passage of your story is meanlingless, so should probably edit it out. As a general rule, everything in a story should be in some way significant to that story.

I don't expect you to know what I am saying but I expect that you could adapt to it as I could have.

"I don't expect you to have any idea what I'm talking about but I expect you to figure it out"
Is that what you're saying here?

Stop correcting me we are on NewGrounds Writing forum or not you are allowed some slack, and in case you haven't noticed I am a bit lazy in my writing, and to Everybody who hasn't read my user page I gave my self a deadline of two Years.

If you want anyone to take your story seriously, it should be as polished as you can make it. This is what the writing forum is for. We point out what needs polishing. If you are a lazy writer like myself, try to stop being lazy.

This is just for fun.

Do enjoy yourself, but if your putting on display, shouldn't it be the best you have to offer?

"Yaaagh-aaah, FUCK!"

I must confess I had similar feelings at certain points while reading this thread.

it takes awhile to type these, and somebody burnt water while i typed so I forgot what I was going to put here, so I'll put this instead.

Drugs are bad, dude. Looks like your short term memory's already going.

And so the sun set successfully again on a sleeping world unaware of the near-imminent danger it was in. The two lone figures walked away from the rebuilt tower, and into the distance to end the day.
-???

I found this very funny for some reason. I guess that just happens sometimes in situations of near-imminent danger.

[Omnifarm]

:At 3/28/10 01:13 AM, Reptyle wrote:

These quotes are extremely distracting. It's like trying to coverse with someone who spews the lines on the bottoms of TGC cards at random intervals.

I didn't put them there randomly, I specifically placed them those to substitute my actual response, and to use a slightly more interesting language

I don't believe anyone ever attempted to wright the story for you, and you got some excellent feedback from folks like Evark and IFUN.

They didn't attempt but they assumed that I wanted them to.

Within the story itself, try to have as little "material that has no point" as possible. If a passage of your story is meanlingless, so should probably edit it out. As a general rule, everything in a story should be in some way significant to that story.

yes, most of it should and will. But for about every 100 pages 3-7 pages can be removed with the plot staying intact.

"I don't expect you to have any idea what I'm talking about but I expect you to figure it out"
Is that what you're saying here?

no, more like. I don't expect you to know what I'm talking about, but I expect you to work around this fact.

Stop correcting me we are on NewGrounds Writing forum or not you are allowed some slack, and in case you haven't noticed I am a bit lazy in my writing, and to Everybody who hasn't read my user page I gave my self a deadline of two Years.

If you want anyone to take your story seriously, it should be as polished as you can make it. This is what the writing forum is for. We point out what needs polishing. If you are a lazy writer like myself, try to stop being lazy.

Being lazy is fun, but I do take care in my writing. I said "and to Everybody who hasn't read" I used 'everybody' instead of 'anybody', suggesting a larger crowed, and I capitalized the first letter adding empathizing without using ALL CAPS.

This is just for fun.

Do enjoy yourself, but if your putting on display, shouldn't it be the best you have to offer?

no I just had the quote in my head for the entire thread.

"Yaaagh-aaah, FUCK!"

I must confess I had similar feelings at certain points while reading this thread.

...No Comment...

Drugs are bad, dude. Looks like your short term memory's already going.

not memory, emotions, I didn't keep up the same rage through out the post.

[Reptyle]

Whoops, mistakes. Among other things in my last post, I mentioned Evark when I was talking about Coop83. Them mod-er-ay-ters all look the same to me.

jokes

[InsertFunnyUserName]

At 3/26/10 10:28 PM, Omnifarm wrote: Stop correcting me we are on NewGrounds Writing forum or not you are allowed some slack, and in case you haven't noticed I am a bit lazy in my writing, and to Everybody who hasn't read my user page I gave my self a deadline of two Years.

Lazy is no excuse. Not in any way. Being allowed "some slack" is when we don't point out typos or small grammar mistakes. But, none of the things we have mentioned fall into either of those categories. If you don't want to know what we think, then you shouldn't have come here. This forum has expectations and one of those is that you type coherently. Lacking half of your necessary punctuation, talking with quotes and making no sense do not a coherent post make.

At 3/28/10 03:00 AM, Omnifarm wrote: I didn't put them there randomly, I specifically placed them those to substitute my actual response, and to use a slightly more interesting language

You need to actually make your points because your quotes are just making your post all the more confusing. Plus, they don't add anything to your argument. They're just there.

no, more like. I don't expect you to know what I'm talking about, but I expect you to work around this fact.

How are we supposed to work around the fact that we have no idea what you want? We're not psychic and we're not you. What you want may be perfectly clear to you, but it's not to us so you need to explain better what, exactly, you came here for.

Being lazy is fun

So is heroin, but that doesn't mean you should do it.

but I do take care in my writing... and I capitalized the first letter adding empathizing without using ALL CAPS.

That's not grammatically correct. You don't capitalize a word mid-sentence unless it's a proper noun or an acronym, regardless of how much emphasis you want to put on it.

If you're taking care in your writing now, then you need to take more. Currently, I'm not really sure whether you have a hard time with English grammar or whether you're just very lazy, but either way, you need to put some serious work into improving your mechanics. As it stands, it's hard to make sense of what you're writing. Punctuation can change the meaning of something much more than you'd expect.

Between Reptyle, PinballWizard, Coop and myself, you have received feedback, and quite a bit of it at that. We don't seem to have given you what you expected us to, but it's there. We've told you what you need to do for us to understand you and we've given you suggestions on how to better structure your synopsis. Either give us a clearer and more concrete explanation of what you want or accept the fact that you're being too vague and confusing to help us help you.

I apologize in advance if I come off as crass or bitter.

[Omnifarm]

I refuse to respond to this.

[InsertFunnyUserName]

At 3/28/10 07:20 PM, Omnifarm wrote: I refuse to respond to this.

I apologize if I sounded like I was attacking you. I wasn't trying to be antagonistic. Basically, what I want is for you to tell me explicitly what you want. Because, right now, you haven't given us enough content for us to give you more feedback than we already have without some sort of direction as to what we're looking for.

So, if we're not helping you with what you want us to, then tell us what you want.

[Reptyle]

At 3/28/10 07:20 PM, Omnifarm wrote: I refuse to respond to this.

I do believe you just did. In any case, you seem more interested in arguing over the internet than actually writing a story at the moment. Maybe in those two years you've allotted yourself you'll have something cohesive, but right now you're not even close.

Good luck.

[sinfulwolf]

At 3/28/10 07:20 PM, Omnifarm wrote: I refuse to respond to this.

See, now you are just being a dick. People are honestly trying to help, and you throw it back in their faces.

This is a writing forum. People come here to help better themselves at writing, or at least, that's what most people have come here for. What you have come here with, is a horrible attitude, a non-coherent story, and a summary that would make me instantly put the book back on the shelf if I saw it in a book store. I won't give you any tips, because you don't seem to give a shit. You keep that attitude, you won't get anywhere, cause believe it or not, being a dick on the internet, does not pay your bills.

[Omnifarm]

At 3/28/10 07:20 PM, Omnifarm wrote: I refuse to respond to this.

If I did it would lead to more arguing. I was pretty unclear about what I was asking but now I lost the beginning, so now I have to start over from scratch and memory. So now I need help on the intro and the stuff about the DMNVHL (Del Moore Nonlee Vampire Hunting League) (not all of it, just some ideas for it.[like there swords, equipment etc..)

Unnecessary Text

[InsertFunnyUserName]

At 3/29/10 05:29 PM, Omnifarm wrote: If I did it would lead to more arguing.

Well, saying "I refuse to respond" is, in and of itself, a response. It's a simple sentence, but the word choice says a lot. I took it as being antagonistic. Wording it like "I don't think it'll do anyone any good to continue this argument" or "this argument isn't going anywhere, I think we should move on" would have been much more productive and would have yielded more understanding responses.

I was pretty unclear about what I was asking but now I lost the beginning, so now I have to start over from scratch and memory. So now I need help on the intro and the stuff about the DMNVHL (Del Moore Nonlee Vampire Hunting League) (not all of it, just some ideas for it.[like there swords, equipment etc..)

Just write something up, even if you have no idea what you want to do, and we'll give you feedback on which areas you need to return to. Because, we can't just give you descriptions; those need to come from you. We can, however, give our opinions on already written material and tell you what we think you could do to improve it. You could also ask us questions about what makes a good description. But, either way, we can't do anything more with what we have here (Of course, if you're currently in the process of writing the intro and you just haven't posted it yet, then disregard this paragraph).

[Omnifarm]

I think I'll be better off on my own

[InsertFunnyUserName]

At 4/5/10 03:43 PM, Omnifarm wrote: I think I'll be better off on my own

If you don't want help, then why did you ask for it?

And if you don't want to continue arguing, then why do you respond with argumentative and condescending remarks?

[Omnifarm]

At 4/5/10 05:40 PM, InsertFunnyUserName wrote:

At 4/5/10 03:43 PM, Omnifarm wrote: I think I'll be better off on my own

If you don't want help, then why did you ask for it?

I do, just from someone at my level of capabilities (I go into more detail if you ask[ always assume this])

And if you don't want to continue arguing,

I don't but that does not mean that I waste an opportunity to.

then why do you respond with argumentative and condescending remarks?

Again I don't waste opportunities(often) and a good argument is hard to come by

More to the point, I needed help finding out what they would talk about, or what would happen during the journey to Delameer. And unannounced previously, I need to come up with the actual name of Deathstalker

I'm completely stumped on the name.

[Shyheart]

At 4/5/10 03:43 PM, Omnifarm wrote: I do, just from someone at my level of capabilities (I go into more detail if you ask[ always assume this])

Ugh, you're a twat you know that? Everyone who's posted in this thread is easily more capable, and probably a better writer than you. So seriously, be thankful for some of the advice- even if it is presented in an antagonistic way (although, it wasn't- stop bitching.)

And if you don't want to continue arguing,

I don't but that does not mean that I waste an opportunity to.

What the fuck are you talking about? An argument is an argument, not a game. What the fuck is fun about making people scold you for being such a complete and total jackass?

then why do you respond with argumentative and condescending remarks?

Again I don't waste opportunities(often) and a good argument is hard to come by

This wasn't an arguement, they were trying to help YOU write a story. You're a fucking dick for turning it into an argument IMHO, none of them were being mean.

More to the point, I needed help finding out what they would talk about, or what would happen during the journey to Delameer. And unannounced previously, I need to come up with the actual name of Deathstalker

Have fun with your gay little story that will never be finished.

I'm completely stumped on the name.

Holy shit, it was fucking ridiculously hard to keep myself from posting in this thread up until now, but it needs to be said: This guy is a fucking jackass. Just leave him to his own devices, he's obviously too much of a condescending twat to even acknowledge our help.

[InsertFunnyUserName]

At 4/12/10 06:29 PM, Omnifarm wrote: I do, just from someone at my level of capabilities (I go into more detail if you ask[ always assume this])

For someone who, all throughout the thread, has been proving time after time that you don't have a completely solid understanding of English mechanics combined with your inability to convey your thoughts properly in writing and your obvious inexperience with writing synopses, you're awfully audacious to be claiming that I am not as great a writer as you. My inability to give you what you want up to this point is your fault for being too vague and unintelligible to get your desires across, not an indication of poor writing skills on my part.

More to the point, I needed help finding out what they would talk about, or what would happen during the journey to Delameer. And unannounced previously, I need to come up with the actual name of Deathstalker

I'm completely stumped on the name.

My point from my last post still stands. Post something for us to critique. You are the writer. Come up with something and you'll be told whether it's bad and how you could improve it. What they're going to talk about depends entirely on the mood of the scene, the plot keys that preface it, how much the reader knows about the character, the characters' personalities, etc. Almost none of these things are available to us at this point.

I'm not sure whether you're trying to save face or are just stubborn, but it's inarguable that we've given you advice on how to go about shaping your story. Either take it, leave it or give us something new.

Though, I doubt anyone's going to be willing to help you now.

[Omnifarm]

All of my work is on an inaccessible computer. So that means I have to redo 5.5 chapters. I didn't have a lot written then and I needed help writing (not so much now I started writing again. so now I have a redone character description. and now that I'm back to writing I'll probably act less. And will be relatively more friendly (This is my first show of progress since I lost it, I'm going to be happy [I'd explain now but I will latter])
So any Ideas? About anything following the general plot

More Unnecessary Text ;..;

[Reptyle]

Alright guys, I think I've got this figured out.

At 4/12/10 06:29 PM, Omnifarm wrote:

This within itself is surprising. Why drag this out into the open again? It's almost as though he enjoys arguing...

I do, just from someone at my level of capabilities (I go into more detail if you ask[ always assume this])

Then he goes straight for the pride of the readers' pride, suggesting his capabilities are far above my own. He does with awkward, clunky wording, rubbing salt in the wound, as it were.

Again I don't waste opportunities(often) and a good argument is hard to come by

An argumentative nature is once again displayed in this line and one directly above.

More to the point, I needed help finding out what they would talk about, or what would happen during the journey to Delameer. And unannounced previously, I need to come up with the actual name of Deathstalker.

I'm completely stumped on the name.

Then, he reneges on all of the above to make a request and suggests that the arguments were not "to the point". This deliberate hypocrisy is used to further incense his audience.

Ladies and gentlemen, in reviewing the post, I can only conclude that Omnifarm is, in fact, a troll. By the responses he got, a successful troll.

[Omnifarm]

What do you gain from stating the obvious?

[InsertFunnyUserName]

At 4/12/10 10:17 PM, Reptyle wrote: Ladies and gentlemen, in reviewing the post, I can only conclude that Omnifarm is, in fact, a troll. By the responses he got, a successful troll.

If he is, then I think this picture explains it best.

The fact that he received aggressive responses doesn't mean he's successful. I doubt anyone actually ragefaiced over any of this. But hey, if a frown and an eye roll from a handful of bored forum users is his idea of success, then more power to him.