Reviews for Exile Preliminary Rem

[lolerskatez]

The hardest subject

Story telling. People are merciless and brutal when it comes to story telling. Its hard to get a good rating in this area because you don't have to have just one good or funny idea for 2 minutes. You have to build a world, populate it, invent a backdrop, plot a time line, and then figure out the story.

I would say, in my humble opinion that you are off to a great start. Of course there are going to be people who just cant get around the rough parts in your story, but that is because they are used to being plugged in non-stop feel good entertainment. Your attempting something much harder than a two minute gimmick that makes you giggle. Animation could always use some work. Don't let that stop you from making more. Learn as you go. One main issue is that, while most of the script was good, try to spend a little more time on script writing. If you have a gripping script and the lines given are something that the audience has never heard before, or hasn't hear done like so, they will be much more forgiving if they are bothered by something else.

Keep up the good work.

RiverJordan responds:

Thanks for the kind words! This is probably one of my best reviews yet :D I'll keep this in mind as i continue the series.

[Originality]

Decent twist....

I looked back to the last scene and the first scene and realized Luke goes against the king, not Grendle. And of course I can play out that it was because the king sent the people who killed his mother and father (which is the lame, typical part).

Also if you meant "a world not unlike our own" you may want to write that instead of "a world unlike our own". Graphics blah, blah, blah. The story was fairly flawed and overall needs work, but your composition gives a depth to the uncreative script. If the reason Luke's an exile isn't what I think, than it's for the better. If it is, I don't need to watch anymore of this series from you. I may want to, but you don't have enough of a strong hook that I need to.
Look at "Merry Melony" (in my favorites) for a story that I need, I will never have, but need.

RiverJordan responds:

Nope, its definetly a world unlike our own, its futuristic but no guns and stuff like that. You dont know why luke is an exile yet, who knows, maybe he wont even become one, maybe its someone else, maybe its a group of people? O.o

Luke does not go against the king however, at the beginning he says "Ray Grendle, you can never be forgiven for what you have done" so clearly sometime in between those 2 years ray does something that luke will kill him for. Unless you mean.. he goes against the king.. and ray is like no way i will protect him!" sort of thing?
Lots of what you got seems pretty close though, meaning i'll have to rig the script a tad.
The story is significantly more creative i think, as for what happens in the series is just like *twist* "makes sense...." *twist again* "what the hell?! awesome!" *twist* AGH!! I NEED MOAR!!" at least.. is like that to me =3

[mookal]

Nice improvement

I must say all the people who put this together has made a great improvement since the first one you submited. Keep up all the work. Hope to see chapter 4.

[notquiteninja]

better than the original

You've definitely accomplished what you set out to do.

Your remake was better than it's predecessor, and I can tell you put a lot of time and effort into your project.

I think my only big gripe would be the proportions and density of your characters and their outlines.

Aside from that, you've got a lot of promising work, and you will only get better with time :]

[volcanofish]

interesting

overall a good movie, sometimes the sound didnt synch, the mouths didnt move, and the movie seemed to pause between scene changes, but the art was decrnt, the story was interesting, if a little lacking in some of the dialogue where there seem to be responses to unasked questions. so keep it up, im sure more practice will help you figure out how to work out the kinks and things will just improve overall.