I hereby denounce my status as a fan of GM
If you remember, I asked you ever so nicely to NOT make a crummy adventure game where you go around collecting crystals. Infact, I have the exact line I wrote.
"hopefully you wont make a platform game were you have to colect crystals"
So, you can imagine my sheer terror and anger when I saw Joseph standing there with crystals floating aorund waiting to be taken. But, any pro reviewer would atleast play half the game, I tried to play the full game but something came up, more on that later.
I'll start with the intro. Man, that office scene looked kindy crummy compared to the rest of the games artwork. Ok, so Joseph talks, do I dare turn off my speakers so I dont have to hear the terrifyingly bad voice acting? No, I decided to see if anyone has learned from my reviews and try better next time. I regret leaving my speakers on. The voice acting seemed to get worse rather than better. Look! Waynecolt! You have to change your pitch! It doesnt sound natural. People do not talk on the exact same level of emotion all the time, people change the tone of their voice! Its not that fucking hard! Ok I think Ill play the game now.
Ive already told you about the crystal part, no need to repeat that part again. So off I go, hitting the ctrl key, slashing some stationary demons who look like theyre firing kidney stones. Hey, those archers are SAMRT! I'm kicking thier ass, youd think they'd atleast try to retreat. The level design wasnt very unique, you have a happy place, a sad place, a sadder place etc. Oh and then there was that one level with dragons shooting kidney stones out of their ass. I found that so funny that Im going to give youre humour rating a ZERO!
What a genius concept! The evil crystals take life off! While the pink (now that I think about it, why pink? White makes more sense) crystals heal me. The black crystals didnt move, whats the point of them if you can simply walk over them? If you had them patrol left or right, up or down, maybe then they'd be a good idea.
The enemies, are stupid for the most part. Ive already talked about the ranged guys, Now for the non-rangers. Who would have thought that a walking tree has the exact same thought patterns as a demon knight? Not me! How about having the tree extend his arms as a special attack? Or have the entire fucking game as one long level. Theres no point in changing the level if it doesnt exactly add new challenges. Oh whats this? The level design layout changed slightly? WOW! It doesnt matter, blue crystals that are on the top always have to be reached by backtracking and jumping onto a platform that leads to there. Heres a problem though with the backtracking. THE ENEMIES ALSO START OFF AT THE BACK! Maybe if they started in the middle It woulld be more fair.
And the final problem was in that lava level (which one? that one! THAT that one? No the other one! Oh that lava level) there was a blue crystal suspended in mid-air over a vat of lava. I only had one life left. Infact I didnt even know the crystal was there, I jumped from one side just to be safe, I retrieved the crystal and boom! hit the water. Ahem, cough, etc.
GREAT LEVEL DESIGN YOU DOLT! MAKING A KEY ITEM IN AN AREA THAT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO SURVIVE! Unless I am colour blind and that was not a blue crystal I retract the "key" part of that previus statement, and also add an N to the end of a to make it proper punctuation.
Graphics and sound require no further commentary. Just refer to my previous review. Never have I played a game where I could feel my IQ actually dropping at an alarming rate. Good bye.