Am I becoming a sociopath?

[Xavon]

So here's the gist of things, I feel like I'm going insane. I can't describe what I feel at all, but for the past couple weeks it's been really strong inside of me. I've always felt different though, for a long time I haven't felt like I fit in with other people as well as I should and it's never really bugged me, but it's felt strange to me. I've been able to read people like books for the longest time, I don't ever remember a time when I couldn't look at someone and know what they were like unless my judgment was clouded by emotions like love or lust. That's really not the point though, the point is that I've always felt superior.

I've always felt that my potential was extraordinary, that I was better than the people around me, and it never really occurred to me until recently. I have anarchistic views, social darwinistic views, I am all for the purification and genocide of the human race. I'm trying to fit so many words into such a confusing emotion, and truly I'm not sure if anything I'm saying can really make much sense to any of you either; so let me try and lay out the basis real quick in this next paragraph.

I have these urges to kill people. Not just a simple "Haha, I'll kill you", but a real, serious emotion, an urge to kill humans and watch them scream and beg, I have these urges to watch them bleed. Multiple times I've wanted to cut myself just to see the blood, I've held blades to myself a couple times but I've never cut myself. Perhaps I don't have the guts to injure myself, but when it comes to other people I can hardly contain the excitement I get from picturing me ending their life. I walk down the halls at school, looking at people who are my acquaintances, my enemies, I even picture killing these innocent people I don't even know. This slut walked by me a few months ago while I was alone in the halls, just going back to class from the bathroom, when I could swear I felt a part of me rip out and play the scenario of me smashing her pretty little skull against the stone pillars right in the commons. I calmly just walked by her as I imagined and smiled in my head at the thought.

Even my friends, they don't take me seriously, but I've told them I would kill each and every one of them for a price. I rank my friends by a number, the higher their number, the more someone would have to pay me to kill them. My friends girlfriend even, my best friends girlfriend, she is ranked the lowest on my list and I've pictured killing her multiple times. Slowly, quickly, I've even told her and other people what I would do to them and nobody takes me seriously. I guess I don't try to come off serious when I'm talking about it, because I don't want to go to a psych ward.

It's just that thrill of blood that makes me happy, that beautiful rush. I've always laughed almost uncontrollably when I've been hurt. A few of my friends said I creep them out when it happens, but I can't help it. It's not that I enjoy it, but I can't help but laugh through the pain and watch myself bleed. The euphoria that seeing myself injured brings is almost enough to cure the pain I go through in itself, though it still remains quite unpleasant. I kind of frighten myself to be honest, my blood feels somewhat icy as I type this up and realize that I might not be as normal as I'd thought. I'm a little shaky, my body won't cease to quake at the excitement of what I might become.

This is in no way meant to be taken as a joke, I mean all of this completely and much more. I want to kill people, I have urges, I would enjoy doing it, I would not regret it. The only thing that stops me is the fact that I'm so young and I don't have the training required to kill efficiently, I could kill one or two people before I get caught; but then I'd never be able to do it again. I don't want that. If I kill someone I want to be able to do it again and again, which is why I don't kill anyone regardless of how strong the urges are, because I won't be able to kill people if I get caught.

I see myself as a purifier I suppose, an ignorant purifier. I throw out morals and religion and politics, they're not needed in my mind as I take the life of someone who is unworthy. But tell me people, am I truly a sociopath, am I insane, or do we all feel this? Am I different? This emotion is more than confusing to me, and I've never understood it or even been able to identify it until now. Sure, I don't really care how many people tell me it's nothing or ask me why I'm even posting this on the NG BBS, but maybe I need help? I don't not want to kill people, but I need advice. I want to identify what I'm feeling, I want to know what's going on inside my head, and perhaps some people here know and can tell me a few things that would be helpful.

So what are your views? What do you see me as, am I different and are my views wrong? Even though I'm being serious, I expect the massive idiots on this forum to cloud in here not too long after I post this saying "omg wall of text tl;dr" or "Die faggot" or "FAB SUX" or "ur psyko, git sum hlp".

Whatever, just tell me what the fuck is wrong with me. What is your diagnosis, Newgrounds?

[Peacekid]

You probably aren't capable of doing those things actually, but in the event that you are, you're just fucked up. You have the capability, just you're unlikely of doing so.

[AirportMan]

what the fuck is a sociopath? you mean psychopath?

[Xavon]

At 2/9/08 11:30 PM, Peacekid wrote: You probably aren't capable of doing those things actually, but in the event that you are, you're just fucked up. You have the capability, just you're unlikely of doing so.

Capable as in mentally? I'm not sure, as I said, I feel that I could. I know my limits though, and I know I wouldn't get away with it, so right now I know I'm not capable of killing anybody with my current state. The feeling is there, the potential to evolve, what happens if it gets more serious as I get older?

Is this just a stage I'll grow out of?

[Peacekid]

Also: as long as you don't hate people, but rather just have the capability to kill them, you're just screwed in the head.

Stay off the internet for a while.

[Peacekid]

At 2/9/08 11:35 PM, Peacekid wrote: Also: as long as you don't hate people, but rather just have the capability to kill them, you're just screwed in the head.

Stay off the internet for a while.

And by capability, I mean you won't hesitate under a situation. You probably will never do it out of instinct. I want to say this is hormones and being a teen, but you're just probably gonna grow up with the ability to kill without hesitation, not out of want or urge.

I'm gonna say yeah you'll grow out of it, but into a 'safe' version. Think Rambo but more classy.

[austin]

That was a strange insight into your mind Xavon. I believe you are fine, just not considered normal like the people you've seen. You may just be thinking very deeply. I have some thoughts somewhat like this occasionally. I think you are probably fine though.

[Twing-Twang]

That's incredibly fucked up. I mean, I picture killing people, but never SERIOUSLY.

[John12346]

Well, from this story, you might seem a little crazy.

However, you aren't a sociopath. Sociopaths are people who cause pain, suffering, and even death to other people, but they think it's completely normal and show absolutely no remorse for it. In your case, you're considering between killing and not killing. If you were truly a sociopath, you would've killed some people already, or something by that regard. The fact that you're restraining yourself from killing other people, no matter how strong your urges, pretty much prove you aren't sociopathic.

In any case, if this story is true, I suggest seeking psychiatric attention immeadiately. Urges to kill people are generally not a good thing.

_________________

Also, to everyone else, tl;dr isn't allowed, so don't even try it.

[ReciprocalAnalogy]

You say people are unworthy, and that you're superior. On what criteria?

[DepressedStone]

Everyone feels like this, but they don't have the gall to come out and say it. I can respect you as an NG user and as a human being for what you've just revealed to us.

[Mansell]

Well if you were as mentally issued as you think you are, posting on this bbs would not cross your mind. You would be out now killing, fwapping or whatever.

[Unimportant]

Talk is cheap. Get some guns and shoot up your school, and maybe then we'll believe you.

Until then, I'm treating you as any other rebellious, hormonally unstable teenager who thinks they're a lot tougher than they really are. Pfft, I bet you're just as afraid to die as the rest of us.

[RedDreadSky]

Well when you put it that way...

[Winned]

I kinda know what you're talking about, something like that just happened to me a few hours ago. I was hanging out with a couple of my friends at a small party and in my friends backyard we were having a little swordfight with my one friend with the plastic whiffle (sp?) ball bats. Then another friend tackled me as a joke. He knocked the bat out of my hand. I ended up pushing him off, I grabbed the bat, I turned around he was about to run. I hit him with the bat (I actually mean hard, pretty much as hard as I could) in the back/arm. He fell and I walked up to him and hit him in the thigh or ribs I don't remember. I think I might of hit him again I don't remember.

So yeah, a couple of my friends said "Oh my god dude.. What the hell?" and now in retrospect (sp?) I actually think I should of hit my friend another time or 2 just to show him not to fuck with me again. We're still "chill" but yeah, I actually wanted to hit him again, even though it made me feel guilty. So I know what you're talking about.

[Xavon]

At 2/9/08 11:38 PM, ReciprocalAnalogy wrote: You say people are unworthy, and that you're superior. On what criteria?

It plays out in my head almost instantly, I just decide. It doesn't matter, once it's decided I don't really care who they are or what they do, I wouldn't hesitate to kill them if I had a free chance.

At 2/9/08 11:53 PM, Unimportant wrote: Talk is cheap. Get some guns and shoot up your school, and maybe then we'll believe you.

Until then, I'm treating you as any other rebellious, hormonally unstable teenager who thinks they're a lot tougher than they really are. Pfft, I bet you're just as afraid to die as the rest of us.

I never said I wasn't afraid to die, though I accept that death is inevitable and that I'll probably reach death a lot sooner than most people due to my reckless behavior and my mental status.

As true as it is that it could very well be me in an unstable state, I never said I believed I was tougher than what I think I am. Just because I say I can kill someone doesn't mean I believe I am "tougher" than the person I would kill, a tool can make anyone a murderer in an instant. It's not difficult to kill someone at all, some times all it takes is one swift direct hit with a blunt object to do the job.

Treat me as you will, you don't know me and you never will, so I could care less. I'd kill you just like any other random person I don't care about if given the chance; and that's a truth, though you'll never know for sure now will you?

[Night-Stalker]

wow, so much of what you just said is what im like. the being able to read people, the anarchistic views, not really fitting in, even the killing people. ive always thought that i was going crazy too.
i have imagined killing people all the time, with one difference though.
i believe i know how to get away with it.
i picture how i would do it, and how i would get away with it.
then again im all into serial killers and fucked up shit so.

many times i have been walking home with someone just ahead of me walking alone. and i think, man i could so just go up stab this person and leave. no one would know.

i may be freaking you and some of the other people here out, but its true.

honestly ive thought of myself as a sociopath/psychopath or possibly even schizophrenic, but i my have more severe symptoms than you. I actually did a project on schizophrenia, and theres things like emotional blunting and paranoia and stuff which is what i experience. But who knows. i dunno if this helps you or not, but i thought id just let you know.

[Xavon]

At 2/9/08 11:38 PM, John12346 wrote: Well, from this story, you might seem a little crazy.

However, you aren't a sociopath. Sociopaths are people who cause pain, suffering, and even death to other people, but they think it's completely normal and show absolutely no remorse for it. In your case, you're considering between killing and not killing. If you were truly a sociopath, you would've killed some people already, or something by that regard. The fact that you're restraining yourself from killing other people, no matter how strong your urges, pretty much prove you aren't sociopathic.

Though I would cause pain, suffering, and death to other people, and while I don't think it's "normal", I don't believe I would show much remorse for it as long as I were good at it and didn't have any reason to worry about being caught. The only boundary I draw between killing and not killing is the fact that I can't do it without getting caught, just because I have these urges doesn't mean I can't be smart and control them until I can be smarter about things and if I do wind up being some psycho mass murderer one day, hopefully I'll be smart enough not to get caught.

In any case, if this story is true, I suggest seeking psychiatric attention immeadiately. Urges to kill people are generally not a good thing.

I've been to at least 5 shrinks for various other problems with my mentality that I can remember, dating all the way back to when I was around 5 years old. I've never spoken more than I felt comfortable with, I'm diagnosed with severe Anxiety and Depression, along with selective mutism. Basically if I feel threatened or uncomfortable with what someone asks me, I shut them out and I won't speak another word to them again. The farthest a shrink has ever gotten with me is my name and what class I just came from (Now that I think of it she might have been my PO last year, but she doubles as a shrink from the Juvenile facility.)

[ReciprocalAnalogy]

At 2/9/08 11:58 PM, Xavon wrote:

At 2/9/08 11:38 PM, ReciprocalAnalogy wrote: You say people are unworthy, and that you're superior. On what criteria?

It plays out in my head almost instantly, I just decide. It doesn't matter, once it's decided I don't really care who they are or what they do, I wouldn't hesitate to kill them if I had a free chance.

So there is no criteria?

[Oppugnant]

I've had those same thought about purifacation and genocide.
Lately a lot of people have made me really sick/ and disgusted at what the world is becoming.

It's not like your case wheere you said you would kill friends for a price, that's something I wouldnever do.

But if it were some common piece of street rat scum, I've played through scenarios in my head of brutally torturing them. Executing massacres centered around people deem inferior and overall disgusting.

My thoughts remind me of Hitler, only instead of innocent people, I want to end the lives of scumbag criminals and gangsters.

[Xavon]

At 2/10/08 12:04 AM, ReciprocalAnalogy wrote:

At 2/9/08 11:58 PM, Xavon wrote:

At 2/9/08 11:38 PM, ReciprocalAnalogy wrote: You say people are unworthy, and that you're superior. On what criteria?

It plays out in my head almost instantly, I just decide. It doesn't matter, once it's decided I don't really care who they are or what they do, I wouldn't hesitate to kill them if I had a free chance.

So there is no criteria?

I can't say there isn't a criteria, I just don't know what it is specifically.

As I said, it plays out in my head and I can understand it, but I can't put it into words. Picture it somewhat like a language nobody but you could understand, but you couldn't really teach or explain the language to anyone else.

[ReciprocalAnalogy]

At 2/10/08 12:09 AM, Xavon wrote: I can't say there isn't a criteria, I just don't know what it is specifically.

As I said, it plays out in my head and I can understand it, but I can't put it into words. Picture it somewhat like a language nobody but you could understand, but you couldn't really teach or explain the language to anyone else.

Except you are putting it into words. You've summarized it as 'you feel that you are superior' and that 'others are unworthy'. If no amount of this unintelligable internal dialogue is translatable to the english language, how can you draw conclusions in the english language?

You've bothered to justify killing on the basis that you are entitled by your superiority (which as much as you might wish it wasn't, is infact an issue of morality). Yet, you haven't bothered to qualify your superiority. Instead, you leave it at "well I just know."

Yes, there is alot that goes on beneath language, but understanding, rationalization, justification - are only capable through linguistics. Here you've taken alot of effort to communicate this thing you're dealing with. It just seems incongruous, that you'd go through so much trouble to translate much of what you're feeling, and leave the justification dangling at an impulse.

[rick8176]

You're going to the Internet for a psychological diagnosis. That's not usually a good idea. If you're a sociopath, than I'm a borderline sociopath. I have a few of the same problems.
You're not alone.
By the way, I don't think you're a sociopath. You could become one if pushed to it by a traumatizing event, but you're not there yet.

[SugarQmuffin69]

don't worry humans have those kinds of emotions all the time i felt something like that before

[Sawdust]

At 2/9/08 11:33 PM, yodd wrote: You are a fucking retard.

Agreed.

At 2/9/08 11:32 PM, AirportMan wrote: what the fuck is a sociopath? you mean psychopath?

Google it.

[Postcount]

At 2/9/08 11:38 PM, John12346 wrote: Also, to everyone else, tl;dr isn't allowed, so don't even try it.

Tl;dr on that?!

[sh0k]

your not that wierd your prolly around 15-21 with high testosterone levels. all guys go throu this stage. i feel the same way a lot of the time

[Xavon]

At 2/10/08 12:31 AM, ReciprocalAnalogy wrote:

At 2/10/08 12:09 AM, Xavon wrote: I can't say there isn't a criteria, I just don't know what it is specifically.

As I said, it plays out in my head and I can understand it, but I can't put it into words. Picture it somewhat like a language nobody but you could understand, but you couldn't really teach or explain the language to anyone else.

Except you are putting it into words. You've summarized it as 'you feel that you are superior' and that 'others are unworthy'. If no amount of this unintelligable internal dialogue is translatable to the english language, how can you draw conclusions in the english language?

A wise point, perhaps I meant to say I can't fully express it in the english language. I'm not sure.

You've bothered to justify killing on the basis that you are entitled by your superiority (which as much as you might wish it wasn't, is infact an issue of morality). Yet, you haven't bothered to qualify your superiority. Instead, you leave it at "well I just know."

Saying I leave at "I just know" kind of makes it seem a little worse than it is. It's not that I just know, I have my basis, but as I said I can't fully describe the process I go through when judging people. I suppose I can't be fully psychotic while I admit I would rather go after and torture people who deserve it though, but I wouldn't be limited to just "bad" individuals, branching into innocence seems like a possibility..

Yes, there is alot that goes on beneath language, but understanding, rationalization, justification - are only capable through linguistics. Here you've taken alot of effort to communicate this thing you're dealing with. It just seems incongruous, that you'd go through so much trouble to translate much of what you're feeling, and leave the justification dangling at an impulse.

Yes, I have tried to make an effort at explaining what I feel through words. Just because I've done that though, doesn't mean I still understand it as well or that I even got half of the message that I wanted out. My justification is quite possibly an impulse, but as I said, it's different in my mind. I've tried to translate what I'm feeling in order to get an answer, because I really don't know. Maybe I really don't feel like this, maybe it's just random bursts of hormones or maybe I really would go through with all of this someday if I were pushed to the edge. Maybe I'd be hesitant, maybe I'd be scared, maybe I'd chicken out of what I'd be planning to do, or maybe I'd go through with it, do it quickly or slowly, enjoy it, there's no way for even me to tell while I'm stuck in this state of confusion.

Your words are very wise to me, it makes me think a lot about what I'm saying and whether or not it even makes sense. You're quite an intelligent individual, probably more so than me for once, and that impresses me to the point that I feel I have a natural bond to you. Does this instant bond have any meaning? Perhaps you are able to analyze this situation better than I am.

[flashplayer5]

"Do you have the time
To listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once"?

[Lost-Chances]

Ever considered seeing a psychiatrist?