Your anxiousness is turned into compulsive desires to murder and destroy. You're deep set desire to become leader of the pack strives to set you to new lengths to frighten and impress your compodres otherwise you wouldn't tell them. It's as if you're compensating for something you lack.
I think that you a rare breed because you have the capacity to post this on newgrounds with the entire world to read, so I don't actually know how fucked up you really could be. The fact that you have never even cut yourself makes me think that you are actually just an angsty teenager looking for a way to make up for something you lack. You look for any possible way to be different, so you can feel even smarter and more unique than your peers. Just so you know, 3/4's of any one; on the BBS especially have looked for grandure and probably felt the same desires and been able to move past them. You are not unique, in fact I would say you are the opposite. It's harder to find real strength in humans these days.
I personally think that you should try to suppress these emotions, maybe supression isn't the best method. But you should enact some sort of change before it's too late. If you are willing to tell the world I think you are ready to tell a psychiatrist who knows you because they can see your eyes when you say these things. You could be lying for all we fucking know. What kind of person would lie about this? I don't know, but perhaps that would be less fucked up than what you have said.
My next logical explanation is that you have no outlet for your energy. We don't hunt anymore, we are told what to think by the TV. We have the same routine every day. We are forced to be humans, live inside the deffinition of normal. It really creates for an atmosphere for insanity.
Perhaps you should take up working out. You probably have never felt real adrenaline in your life. Eespecially since you have never cut yourself. Try getting in a fight, climbing buildings, or stealing. Also, changing your sleeping patterns might inact a big change in your psychosis. I recommend sleep cycles. Google polyphasic sleep cycles, or uberman sleep cycles. Not only that but it will make you smarter. It's called free-running as well. It makes dreams stronger and longer. I have experienced feelings that are indescriable and beyond anything I have ever considered capable by my own vessel of a body.
I have gotten in a few fights and it's a very scary drug, adrenaline. If you ever do stab someone you have to really think about the reprecussions. After doing it you would come down from your high and feel absolutely sick and freaked out. That person and everyone in their life will be extremely saddened for the rest of their life and everyone will know you caused this pain. You probably wont get away with it because you are probably stupider than you think. I am very smart in my own ways, but I am also crazy and forgetfull. You are probably really stupid in actuallity because you sound broken and incapable of complete thought patterns. Your soul is probably cracked; you're probably aware that you may never amount to anything you ever dreamed of so you are looking for other ways to get there. My own soul is cracked as well, but it makes me strive to new lengths to find it. I think I am closer now than ever actually. Try recording your voice, rant into the microphone for about an hour without stopping, and then try listening to it, and see how you sound. Your voice sounds different in your head.
You really have to think about it though, besides ruining peoples lives and become a social outcast and everyone hating you for what you have done, you only have about 40 good years in your life that are worth living, besides living in diapers in a retirement home or being too young to live on your own truly feeling the wind in your hair. If you spend 8 years in jail, that's almost 25% of your only life down the drain. I hear jail isn't very much fun either. You only have one hour outside of your cell and you are old enough especially with your capacity to type with such good grammer to be sentanced as an adult. You don't sound very big either, so I bet you would get ass raped in federal prison where there aint nothin else to love.
I recommend you find an outlet for such great energy. Most kids your age, are too lazy to be such exuberant fiends. Rather sleeping in, eating junk food, getting stoned and fucking bitches while planning to go to university than planning to poison someone with a certain oxide that they fancy than ripping apart their iniards with a knife. Try climbing buildings. It's a very scary experience if you try hard ones and afterwards you feel alive. Doing drugs and drinking doesn't make you stupid. It makes you do stupid things, just an FYI.They do change you though.
Personally, you don't seem like a genius either. The way they type which is an extension of the way you think seems young, reckless and foolish. A genius thinks not with emotions and lustfull desires. Numbers are colours to them and equations are music. They can use different parts of their brain at different times, they can create beautiful music within the depths of their skull and literally shape and mold people around them as they will with the power of their will. The majority of all psychopaths that they check for brain density which is a mark of genius are very low and extremely uncomplicated.
What comes around goes around, and just remember change after the age of 16 gets harder, and harder. So try to do it now before it becomes a relentless pattern that you cannot change that overtakes your soul and find yourself killing yourself one day because you are fighting a losing battle. I think one day empathy will eventually create itself inside of you out of necessity whether it be with dreams or schytsophrenia, but by that time perhaps it will be too late for you and you will eat yourself from the inside out, mentally. It would be most horrible and it would be like the devil torturing you, so you may be pure before you die so maybe you can feel remorse for all the bad things that you have thought.
I know my friend use to claim to have such a lack of sympathy as you. Now he cringes when he sees horrible things happen because he can't let himself live the same way he use to. He changed himself because he had to use. He use to kill small animals for fun. I myself rarely give an ounce of sympathy or empathy to most things, hardly blinking when I see those horrible PETA movies. Most cringeing results from the association with the victims pain with the idea of you feeling the pain. For example when you see someones neck get cut in a horror movie, you may grasp your own neck.
Based on the idea of evolution I like to think of God as a nature film director. To test a persons faith, you have to let nature take its course. A film director for a nature movie wouldn't step in and stop a seal from starving so why would God save that poor girl from malaria. Although weird miracles happen every day everywhere. Even such happening in my own family! My uncle was in a coma and an inch within death but miraculously with no explanation from the doctors came out of it with a very speedy recovery.
On the other hand, have you had no association with the devil? Have you not seen the horrible levels of the dark side? There are many things worse than pain hidden deep within your subconcious. Using the devil only as a manifestation or a metaphor for all the horrible things that could result. Don't you have a fear for the inevitable break down and imminent inner tormoil you could face? I know my guilty concious faces my misdeads in my dreams. I have seen evil, and I have seen light. Forgiveness is a hard thing to swallow sometimes.
Do you ever use drugs? Have you ever gotten in a fight? Have you ever had a girlfriend? ETC.
I hate the jocky pride arrogant assholes that bully the innocent and prey on the weak for fun just as much as the next guy. I taste the worlds ugly, it is inside all of us, the weak babies we humans are. I see such atrocities and yes I have dreamed of the same things as you sure.
