Hey, guys, you might want to get a seat for this. It's only going to take a minute, but it's an absolutely crazy story. It's fuckin flipped, guys.
I grew up in West Philadelphia. Living with my mum, but most of the time I was down hanging out with my mates outside our local school. We were usually just kicking back, having a calm time, but we'd often play basketball instead. I was amazing at basketball, I loved it.
However, that year things started to turn sour. There were these guys, right, proper thugs. Built like brick shithouses, and as smart as one too. And one day, they came over to us while we were playing some basketball.
"Uhhh... can we help you?" I said, a bit nervously. I'd heard about these guys, they just beat kids like us up all day long.
"Uhhh, like, yo mom" said one, and after a short pause, the other one laughed.
"Hur hur hur, yo momma so fat" he quipped.
I'd had enough of this, so I gestured to my mates that we should make a run for it, and we slowly edged away. I almost got to the school gates, being as stealthy as I could, when BAM! I was knocked straight to the floor. Vision shaking and blood in my mouth, I looked up to see one of them standing over me saying "You don't run, we just pound you more if you do." I groaned as I saw my friends make a run for it. The other thug came over to me and smashed me in the stomach. As I bent double in agony, the other one picked me up above his head. How strong was he? I was totally limp by now, I couldn't think to move as he took me over and dumped me in this rubbish bin. God, had I just been served.
So, I took this news home to my mother, who didn't exactly take it lightly. She went absolutely fucking mad. She didn't blame the school, she didn't blame the thugs, she didn't even blame violent videogames. No, she had the nerve, the fucking cheek to blame me for that. And now she was frightened for me, and she just had a total nervous breakdown. When she came to her senses, she just muttered about sending me to go live with relations somewhere on the West Coast. Wait, WHAAAAAT? I tried to persuade her, but she wasn't budging. Now I was left to go live with some snobby wankers that are my aunt & uncle. I thought the downwards spiral would never end.
I got off the plane at Los Angeles, and I had no idea what to do. They didn't even come and pick me up from the airport, I couldn't believe it! I sighed, and whistled over a taxi.
But this was no ordinary taxi. I blinked a bit and rubbed my eyes. The license plate just read "FRESH", and it actually had fuzzy dice hanging from the rear-view mirror. Who buys fuzzy dice?. God, this had to be a one-off cab, I hoped, at least. If the whole of Los Angeles was going to be like this I might as well jump off a cliff now.
"Eh, you wanna cab or not mate?" a gruff voice rang out from the car.
"Uuh, yeah, I guess. Can you take me to -" I paused and squinted at a hastily scrawled address - "Bel Air!"
It felt like hours later when the cab finally slowed down to a stop. I looked around for some tiny little hovel in between these mansions, but there was nothing. Each house was bigger than the last. "Hey, where's this address?" I asked th cabbie.
"It's that big house on your left, mate, you blind?" He snapped back. Angry, I shoved him a fistful of notes and wandered off, spewing insults at him. I took a look at this house. Massive didn't even begin to describe it. This was my aunt & uncle? Surely this had to be some sick joke at my expense.
I got a little giddy. What if this was my aunt & uncle's house? It would all be mine, wouldn't it? I'd have it all! It would be my kingdom. I quickly walked up to the door, and knocked on the door. I'd be like a prince, yeah, fuckin royalty.
cocks
