George R.R. Martin threatens to kill off Game Of Thrones characters unless his demands are met.
BREAKING NEWS
Two hours ago, writer George R.R. Martin posted a new video onto his twitter account threatening to kill off characters from Game of Thrones unless his demands are met. Swat teams soon surrounded his compound in rural Utah, but it has been too risky for any further action. In an update to the video, it shows him typing in his sixth book in the series. "If I don't get what I want, I'm going to write out a character every hour until no one remains." The screen then showed the latest part of his manuscript where Jaime Lannister and Jon Snow walk across a tightrope while crocodiles nip at their heels. "It would be terrible if a gust of wind came by and knocked them down," he said as a sadistic smile crossed his face.
His 840 page ransom note is filled with a wide range of demands from uncanceling Firefly, forbidding all inane Facebook updates, replacing all textbooks in public schools with his books, giving him dictatorial powers, making People magazine name him the sexiest man of the year, and many more.
The UN held an emergency summit and the reactions have been mixed, German Chancellor Angela Merkel stated "the world shouldn't be controlled by a maniac who is entirely unpredictable and looks like an evil Santa Claus." But Russia's Vladimir Putin stormed the stage, exclaiming, "We have to give him whatever he wants. There is just too much at stake... I'm still having nightmares about Shae." Negotiators were brought in, trying to diffuse the situation.
But in a shocking twist, Mr. Martin added, "If anyone tries to go against me, I'll be forced to bring King Joffrey back to life!" After these latest events, experts expect President Obama to agree to his demands.
As the White House is being fitted for a real Iron Throne, it seems certain that George R.R. Martin's dictatorship will be long and full of terrors.
