A Valentine's Day to Remember

[Dubbi]

I spent about two hours on this story I wrote in honor of Valentine's Day. I hope you enjoy it! :)

A Valentine's Day to Remember

The sweet song, sung by the birds flying through the infinite sky, was the most noticeable sound during that fateful day at the park, and what a sound it was. The marvelous melody, being chirped from above, filled my grateful ears with joy, and although some may not consider it genuine music, I'd challenge any proclaimed virtuoso to replicate this arrangement. The birds were playing a piece of happiness, a piece of amazement and most of a piece of love, on the most amorous of all dates, Valentine's Day.

I had visited the park for no particular reason, the weather was nice and I felt like taking a stroll, but no stroll I had previously experienced would be as astonishing as this one. Though, it started off typical enough, I was sauntering through the park admiring the lush nature which encompassed it, when I glanced at my watch and realized I had been there for quite some time and should be heading home. But on way out of the park, I witnessed a miracle. And angel had descended from heaven to awe us all with her beauty, or at least what I construed for an angel. But divine or not, her beauty was undeniable; her flowing brown hair gently fluttered with the kind wind. And her face would be portrait painter's dream, it was truly without flaw. She had sparkling blue eyes; a small nose and a genial smile, in summation, she was a girl I thought I'd never get, but Cupid himself, must have been smiling down on me.

"Happy Valentine's Day", she said to me, but initially I thought it wasn't to me, it must have been someone else, she would never talk to me. But she was, and unless I wanted to make a fool of myself, I had to say something back.
"Um yeah, to you too. It's er my fav favorite holiday", I stuttered.
"Really? I love Valentine 's Day and I didn't think anyone loved it as much as me."
"Well, think again, I love it so much, my friends call me Valentine's Day Mike." What the hell was I thinking? Valentine's Day Mike?
"He, he. You're funny, so I'll take it that your name's Mike. Mine's Sally."
"I was expecting something more along the lines of Aphrodite." Man, I was on a roll today...
"Aww, that's sweet. So what are you doing here?"
"Nothing really, just spending my favorite holiday by myself. So do you have a Valentine?
"Only if his name is Valentine's Day Mike."

At this declaration, she burst into my arms and we kissed. It was the single greatest kiss I've ever experienced. Holding hands, we left the park and walked all the way to the movie theater and after watching a charming film, the two of us ambled to my house where we cooked and shared a perfect Valentine's Day dinner.

[InsertFunnyUserName]

I feel like the angel descending and appearing happens too abruptly. You might want to describe how she appeared. That is, what her entrance looked like, what it sounded like, what it felt like to the character, etc as a way of transitioning. Plus, it would be a nice visual.

I'm also thinking that the end of the story seems to go by too fast, especially in the last paragraph. I suggest putting in some more detail there maybe about the character's thoughts, the reactions of the other people in the park, etc.

But the writing was done well, especially at the beginning when you were introducing the setting. You described some great images there. I also like the symbolism of the angel appearing out of nowhere on an average day.

[Dubbi]

Maybe I didn't make clear, she wasn't an actual angel just a really beautiful woman , but Mike thought she resembled and angel. I guess I short of rushed and didn't include enough infornation, but I started late and I wanted to get it done before Valentine's day was over.

[InsertFunnyUserName]

At 2/15/10 10:52 AM, Dubbi wrote: Maybe I didn't make clear, she wasn't an actual angel just a really beautiful woman , but Mike thought she resembled and angel. I guess I short of rushed and didn't include enough infornation, but I started late and I wanted to get it done before Valentine's day was over.

Now that I read it again, I can kind of see that, but I think describing her entrance will make that clearer.

[Dubbi]

Come on guys! I need feedback!

[vow2thou]

At 2/16/10 10:51 AM, Dubbi wrote: Come on guys! I need feedback!

Haha! I read this on Valentine's Day itself and just thought you'd put it up because it was cheesy. No offence meant, but it really is quite cheesy. I can't tell if you're trying to focus on a romance or a comedy (I gathered it's a blend between to two, but you gotta know which is the primary focus).

Mike's dialogue suggests a 'slapstick' humour with his corny pickup lines, but I don't think that kinda humour could carry throughout because, unlike slapstick humour, Mike is actually aware of this ironic device. There's no potential conflict of ignorance vs. idealism, because Mike knows he's being stupid.

Which leads me on to the next point. There seems to be no romantic conflict either. They just get along. There's no hint of potential strife between the two (thus far, mind you).

It's probably got potential as a 'too good to be true' plot, but as it stands, there's no hook. It feels like it concludes already, as a 'happily ever after', without anything having really happened. If it ended with something like 'we made plans to have a Valentine's dinner, but, well, I've never done Valentine's dinner before, let alone with such a perfect girl!' rather 'yaaaaaaaaaaaay! perfect!', then there would be a hook: a little something to make you go 'ooooh, just how will Mike mess this one up!?'.

Criticism aside... as I said before, the dialogue is cheesy enough to be humourous in this little passage. And yes, while Mike isn't the most dynamic character as of yet, he's definitely human, and has the grounds to become a believable and unique character, with his own little quirks. And as for the mystery girl? That mystery is grounds for Mike (and your readers!) to learn some interesting things too. Is she really as perfect as Mike thinks? Or is she too perfect for Mike?

To summarise, I guess... it's a groundwork, and needs more. Definitely doesn't stand solo. If you were hoping to get criticism based on that, then, well, hope I delivered. But it's hard to judge it's potential when, as is, it doesn't seem to have any interesting direction.

Hope that helped!

[Dubbi]

At 2/16/10 01:11 PM, vow2thou wrote:

To summarise, I guess... it's a groundwork, and needs more. Definitely doesn't stand solo. If you were hoping to get criticism based on that, then, well, hope I delivered. But it's hard to judge it's potential when, as is, it doesn't seem to have any interesting direction.

Hope that helped!

No, I know the plot's cheesey, I wanted feedback on the actual writing. Not the story itself, like how I wrote it...

[vow2thou]

At 2/14/10 08:34 PM, Dubbi wrote:
A Valentine's Day to Remember

The sweet song, sung by the birds flying through the infinite sky, was the most noticeable sound during that fateful day at the park, and what a sound it was. The marvelous melody, being chirped from above, filled my grateful ears with joy, and although some may not consider it genuine music, I'd challenge any proclaimed virtuoso to replicate this arrangement. The birds were playing a piece of happiness, a piece of amazement and most of a piece of love, on the most amorous of all dates, Valentine's Day.

I had visited the park for no particular reason, the weather was nice and I felt like taking a stroll, but no stroll I had previously experienced would be as astonishing as this one. Though, it started off typical enough,...

Not sure if it should be a comma after the though. It doesn't read like a comma should be there. In fact, I'm not so sure if you need 'though'. Perhaps try 'It started off typical enough. I was sauntering...'

I was sauntering through the park admiring

'...the park, admiring...'

the lush nature which encompassed it, when I glanced at my watch and realized I had been there for quite some time and should be heading home. But on way out of the park, I witnessed a miracle. And angel

An[d] angel...

had descended from heaven to awe us all with her beauty, or at least what I construed for an angel. But divine or not, her beauty was undeniable; her flowing brown hair gently fluttered with the kind wind. And her face would be portrait painter's dream, it was truly without flaw.

...would be [a] portrait...

'...be a portrait painter's dream, it was truly...' is slightly awkward, due to (if I'm not mistaken) the comma. Perhaps consider '...painter's dream, being flawless as it was' or maybe '...her face, being completely flawless, would be a portrait painter's...'. That, or substitute a period.

She had sparkling blue eyes; a small nose and a genial smile,

comma is awkward. Consider period.

in summation, she was a girl I thought I'd never get, but Cupid himself,

Comma is not required.

must have been smiling down on me.

"Happy Valentine's Day", she said to me, but initially I thought it wasn't to me, it must have been someone else, she would never talk to me.

Comma party! Substitute a period - or, perhaps, even two - in here. Either before the '...but initially...' or '...it must have...'. Or, consider subbing 'but' with 'though', second comma and third comma with periods, and perhaps 'else. After all, she would never...'

But she was, and unless I wanted to make a fool of myself, I had to say something back.
"Um yeah, to you too. It's er my fav favorite holiday", I stuttered.

'It's, err, my...' in my opinion, to suggest the hesitation better.

Also, is '[fav] favorite' a typo.? Would 'fav... favourite' be better?

"Really? I love Valentine 's Day and I didn't think anyone loved it as much as me."
"Well, think again, I

Second comma becomes period.

love it so much, my friends call me Valentine's Day Mike." What the hell was I thinking? Valentine's Day Mike?
"He, he. You're funny, so I'll take it that your name's Mike. Mine's Sally."
"I was expecting something more along the lines of Aphrodite." Man, I was on a roll today...

Throw in a paragraph break after the dialogue.

"Aww, that's sweet. So what are you doing here?"
"Nothing really, just spending my favorite holiday by myself. So do you have a Valentine?

Missing speech-marks.

"Only if his name is Valentine's Day Mike."

At this declaration, she burst into my arms and we kissed. It was the single greatest kiss I've ever experienced. Holding hands, we left the park and walked all the way to the movie theater and after watching a charming film, the two of us ambled to my house where we cooked and shared a perfect Valentine's Day dinner.

Consider adding some wine here, since I hear it goes really well with cheese.

All in all, after reading it over a few times, I like it. It reads well and, with the previous points I made, would be a fair piece to work on. Now you can tell me that when you say you want comments on your style, you didn't want a grammar nazi. I try though, I really do.

[Dubbi]

Thank you so much! All, I really wanted was someone to show how to write dialogue when the speakers not using perfect grammar, in this case stuttering. When I wrote it something just seemed off, (fav was not a typo) but not only did you correct this, you rectified all the little grammar and puncuation mistakes littered throughout the tale. Thanks a million! :)

Also in case it wasn't clear, this will not be continued. It was just a quick little cheesy story I wrote in honor of Valentine's day. :)

[vow2thou]

At 2/16/10 06:48 PM, Dubbi wrote: this will not be continued.

Damn yooooooooooooooou!

But no, really, you're welcome. Read a couple of books and see how they set out blocks of dialogue. The standard formatting is to run each line alone, without interference from other elements. Richard Morgan (Altered Carbon is still, to this day, one of my favourite books for some reason) uses sarcasm and snide remarks well, in my opinion, and would be a recommended read for that reason alone.

[Dubbi]

At 2/16/10 06:53 PM, vow2thou wrote:
Damn yooooooooooooooou!

But no, really, you're welcome. Read a couple of books and see how they set out blocks of dialogue. The standard formatting is to run each line alone, without interference from other elements. Richard Morgan (Altered Carbon is still, to this day, one of my favourite books for some reason) uses sarcasm and snide remarks well, in my opinion, and would be a recommended read for that reason alone.

Actually, I'm starting Huck Fin just to learn how to write dialogue, but Altered Carbon will be added to my ever expanding reading list. Sure, I have a lot to read, but I won't become a professional author by sitting on my ass while watching tv.
If won't be too much trouble, can you please read and critique this short story of mine?

http://www.newgrounds.com/bbs/topic/1145 022