Captain Robert, come in! This is Central Command. Over.
Central command, this is Captain Robert, over.
We read you loud and clear, Captain, can you state your position? Over.
Command, I appear to be outside the ship, standing on empty space beneath the vessel. Please advise.
...
Come in, Command.
Command here. Please clarify... did you just say you put on your space suit, went through an airlock, and went outside the ship?
Negative, command. Negative. I just jumped up through one of those black tiles in the ceiling that look like part of the background, but aren't actually solid. I appear to be accessing a part of physical space that shouldn't actually exist in this universe. Also, all of the clues are pointing at me with all the subtlety of Uncle Sam, lord Lord Kitchener and Babe Ruth riding an English Short-Haired Pointer while programming in COBOL. Tentatively suggest you scrub the mission and arrest me for murder, until we know more. Over.
This is Command. Negative, Captain. You have your orders. Wander around in space clicking on white blobs until the game lets you know what the fuck is going on. Over
Come back, Command. Are you serious? I just told you I'm obviously the murderer. I don't think I'm even in the ship at all, I think maybe I'm stuck inside this escape-pod looking room I saw along the way? It's like a metaphor for how I escaped into my own mind or some bullshit? OH, COME ON! Now I just saw a giant sign that says "Hi!" Command, get me down from here. This is stupid. Over.
... We are not reading a giant "HI," Captain. Over.
I am sending you readings of the HI right now, gentlemen. It is composed of pure Blue Pixel Alloy. It is locked in parallel orbit with the ship. It does not move when I push off from it. I am scared. Over.
Your fear is duly noted Capitan, but I'm afraid we need you to examine your own preconceptions about the media of 2D platformers and arrive at the epiphany that the people who made this game are the greatest fucking geniuses of all time. Over.
I'm sorry, Command. We must have been getting a burst of electromagnetic radiation because it sounds like you said this was a good game. It's not even *A* game. As far as I can tell it's like Super Metroid but minus all the stuff that made Super Metroid fun.
ASK ME WHAT IT MEANS ASK ME WHAT IT MEANS
Command? You're breaking up.
AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRTTTTTT!
Yup. Gonna just quit now, Command. Don't care how it ends. I was the killer. Whatever. Gonna shoot myself, then I'm gonna go play Super Metroid again.
*static*
*END OF TRANSMISSION*