woohay
I can see you had a something good in mind, but you lost track of it along the way.
ur way of draging is very good.
Choosing Linkin Park for music sold me without a doubt :) since i'm quite the fan of them, but that doesn't matter (much :p )
I'd say just try again and continue to grow in your skill in storymaking :p
try to make a story and keep in on the same line. like in here you could show the demon a bit more, make them fight because now it's like SLASH, dead, without them knowing it was coming