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Pastor: K, class, today I will be teaching you sex ed. Because, at times, you may feel tempted to masturbate. However, this is an act of the devil. So, I must give the boy inside some help.
Pastor: What do you think you’re doing?
Alter Boy: Pastor Jared!? I-I’m so sorry. One moment I was reading the story about the two daughters and their father and the next…
Pastor: It’s okay my child. Let me help you.
Pastor: K, class, now I shall be helping him by filling him with my love--such as God did to Marry.
Altar Boy: Help how?
Pastor: Bend over.
Altar Boy: Like I’m praying to Jesus?
Pastor: K, class, this is what we call an altar boy’s tight, hairy gloryhole.
Pastor: Now I shall be sticking my elongated, rod of justice into his tight, hairy gloryhole.
Altar Boy: Ahahaha, Pastor, what are you doing!?
Pastor: K, class, it now seems as if the boy is refusing my love, which is quite heathenry of him. So, I must make this pagan consent.
Pastor: Don’t worry my child. This way I won’t have to tell your parents and the community that you were using the Bible for adulterous pleasure.
Altar Boy: Oh...okay. Well, um thanks!
Pastor: Alright, class, this is what we call a humping action.
Pastor: Now that he has opened up to God’s plan, I must purify him with holy water.
Pastor: Therefore, I must introduce him to the purifying practice of waterboarding.
Pastor: Since he has been washed of his sins, I can now make him as white as snow.
Pastor: So, I’ll start my humping action again, but at two times speed.
Pastor: AAAAAAHHH. I just gave him my purifying solution.
Pastor: K, class, now since that is over, I’d like to tell you that if you ever have sinful thoughts, you should talk to your pastor. Because, we’re here to help.
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