Animation is too laggy, Font is hard to read, and the effects just seem unnessicary. While you may be new to this, your making the right choice to submit these things to NG. Read the reviews that aren't trolls and learn from your mistakes. Don't get all bummed if something gets blammed, it takes time and practice to make something great. Keep Trying Jake, you'll get it some day.

Needs sound, and more detail than that.