"ASS! You have been accepted at Sir KABOOM's school of emerald Magic. As a first-year student, you will be assigned a 9000-headed dinosaur named Jeffery who will show you around the campus, clean your toilet, and scratch your penis.
Before school begins in January, you will need to go to Pakistan. While there, you should purchase materials for your Battling Godzilla and Simple Lazering Spells classes.
Your lab partner will be Amy Lee. She's an expert at conjuring bug-flavored a type of snack out of lungs of wendigo, so we're sure you'll get along well.
We also hope you'll join one of our after-school activities, such as the Magical Shit Team. If you've got any questions, contact your counselor, Matt Smith. We anticipate seeing you at Christmas!
Sincerely, Donald Duck
School of Firefighter"