Fake fraud fraud (fuck banks)

[FUNKbrs]

I am a fat man. Everyday I wake up fat, I ride to work on a bicycle, normally without breakfast, I mean, all things considered it makes sense, as the fatter you are the more exercise you should be doing. i'm still fat as the Kool-Aid man, but also like the Kool-Aid man, I have legs that could kick through a load bearing wall.

Obviously then I am a man of ravenous hunger, riding 20 miles a day on a bike and still managing to eat enough to stay fat as a banker's wallet.

Thus, it should be no surprise the hateful rage inspired in me when I discovered that on payday, when I go to get a greasy pizza for lunch, my card was declined.

DA FUCK? DO YOU NOT SEE HOW FAT I AM?! HANGRY RAGE!

Obviously I call my bank and discover my card is on hold because Home Depot had a data breach. They sent a letter. On paper. A letter. Snail mail. No phone call, no shit. It's 2015, holy fuck, can't I get a text? Fuck, they might as well have chiseled that shit on a stone tablet and glued it to a pteradactyl's leg with tar as far as when that will get to me. I'm just glad I didn't go to a sit-down restaraunt like I normally do on payday, or I'd be elbow deep in dishes right now, holy fuck.

But the thing is, my card wasn't ACTUALLY on hold. Just the credit side of it. Just the side I need. I mean, my account was still active to debit, so I was in no way safe from fraud in any sense whatsoever. And of course when we go through my transactions, there's no fraud. So there was no fraud. I'm dealing with a fake fraud, a fraud of a fraud if you will.

Why this fake fraud fraud? Because they need an excuse to update to chipped cards, and they need to scare me into thinking my account is susceptible to fraud, even though I'm broke as fuck and really have nothing to lose because all my extra money goes in my retirement. The reason for the chipped cards is so they can record and sell my data better, just in case you didn't know.

So now I'm sitting here at work, 10 miles into a 20 mile bike ride, no breakfast and now apparently no lunch coming because most any place I could eat is credit, not debit, even though I have a hot steaming pile of money in the bank. And my card isn't coming for another 6 days. You know, the one I didn't order, didn't want, doesn't work, and won't make me one bit safer.

obviously I will now die. Farewell, you guys kinda sucked and I regret nothing.

[MuramasasEdge]

You're fat.

im fat too

[swaenK]

I am happy for your legs.

[WahyaRanger2]

If you exercise that much and you're still fat it's because you don't eat breakfast.

[FUNKbrs]

At 9/24/15 02:15 PM, WahyaRanger2 wrote: If you exercise that much and you're still fat it's because you don't eat breakfast.

Yes, because science proves that weightloss is caused by eating more...

Wait, no, science says that when calories expended exceeds calories eaten, that's what makes weight loss. My legs do not run on magic when I skip a meal, nor will tiny sparkly fairies fill my intestines with cupcakes while I am not looking.

yes I'm hangry as fuck right now.

[WahyaRanger2]

At 9/24/15 02:26 PM, FUNKbrs wrote: Yes, because science proves that weightloss is caused by eating more...

Eating when you first wake up kickstarts you energy consumption. If you don't, your body goes into calorie storage mode.

If you don't like the advice whatever though. I don't need people's fuckery.

[FUNKbrs]

At 9/24/15 02:27 PM, WahyaRanger2 wrote:
Eating when you first wake up kickstarts you energy consumption. If you don't, your body goes into calorie storage mode.

"calorie storage mode" is passive metabolism. However, since I'm not relying on passive metabolism, but active metabolism, this does not affect me. If you increase your blood sugar before exercise, your body will have no need to go through the extra step of breaking down fats into glucose. The science is the same as the Atkins Diet; the fewer simple sugars available in the blood, the more the body must rely on burning fat and only fat for energy. If the legs move, the calories have to come from somwhere, and if the calories are coming from breakfast, they're not coming out of my fatwads. In fact, exercising on an empty stomach increases glycogen storage within the muscles, meaning it helps me gain extra endurance and the ability to store calories inside the muscles as a form of sugar without needing fatty tissue at all as a reserve.

Believe me, I tried that breakfast shit for years; please note my fatness. Does not work, would not recommend, 0/10.

If you don't like the advice whatever though. I don't need people's fuckery.

Yes you do. That's why you keep coming back for more abuse.

[WahyaRanger2]

At 9/24/15 03:02 PM, FUNKbrs wrote: Yes you do. That's why you keep coming back for more abuse.

I'm fully convinced 90% of the BBS has fallen and hit their heads in the past week.

Go eat a Snickers.

Fuck you'd think I were trying to convince you to kill yourself. I genuinely was given a suggestion to try to help.

[PussyShark]

At 9/24/15 02:27 PM, WahyaRanger2 wrote:

At 9/24/15 02:26 PM, FUNKbrs wrote: Yes, because science proves that weightloss is caused by eating more...

Eating when you first wake up kickstarts you energy consumption. If you don't, your body goes into calorie storage mode.

If you don't like the advice whatever though. I don't need people's fuckery.

Dude's right actually. They don't call breakfast "the most important meal of the day" for nothing. It spikes your metabolism and makes you burn more during the day.
If you would just get off your fat ass and do some running you'll not only see yourself slimming down, you'll have WAY more energy. For everything. Even the BBS. Running is your answer. But like most fat people I've tried giving advice to, you'll probably just brush that aside
and convince yourself that "mild calisthenics," yoga, or reducing how much you eat will do the trick. No you fucking lazy ass, you need to run some laps or get on a treadmill.

Just to let you know, I have sympathy for fat people, but absolutely none for whiny weak people. They often get confused.

[FUNKbrs]

At 9/24/15 03:57 PM, PussyShark wrote:
Dude's right actually. They don't call breakfast "the most important meal of the day" for nothing. It spikes your metabolism and makes you burn more during the day.

Oh, when I first started, I couldn't do a ride without breakfast, or rather, I could, but it would be 10-15% slower. Then I increased by body's ability to store glycogen. I used to not be able to ride more than an hour without food, now I can ride 2 or 3 on a single meal.

If you would just get off your fat ass and do some running

I'd blow my knees like my dad did. Which is why I bicycle.

But like most fat people I've tried giving advice to, you'll probably just brush that aside
and convince yourself that "mild calisthenics," yoga, or reducing how much you eat will do the trick. No you fucking lazy ass, you need to run some laps or get on a treadmill.

Please tell me more about how riding more miles on my bicycle (20 a day) than most people put on their cars is "mild"

Just to let you know, I have sympathy for fat people, but absolutely none for whiny weak people. They often get confused.

I'm whining about my bank, not my exercise routine. You see, I would have eaten that before workout meal you guys keep nagging about, except my card full of money was declined because my bank put it on a fraud hold on my card which itself was fraudulent because my account was never actually compromised.

But then again, why should I explain myself? You apparently decided you already knew what I was saying without actually reading it.

the hanger is real
Hanger games
I would carve the meat out of your chubby little cheeks with a box cutter and fry it on a hot engine block right now if I could get away with it.

[Suprememessage]

At 9/24/15 01:12 PM, Sekhem wrote:

At 9/24/15 01:02 PM, FUNKbrs wrote: riding 20 miles a day on a bike

i have my doubts

I'm fairly unhealthy and I still walk farther than that.

[FUNKbrs]

At 9/24/15 05:29 PM, Suprememessage wrote: I'm fairly unhealthy and I still walk farther than that.

A full Marathon is 26.2. You telling me you WALK 20 miles a day? Not jog, not hop, not skip, not run, but WALK 20 everyday?

So you have a bunch of Olympic gold medals or something, mr Fairly unhealthy?

hanger danger
The Hangering
Full Metal Hanger

[Suprememessage]

At 9/24/15 05:51 PM, FUNKbrs wrote:

At 9/24/15 05:29 PM, Suprememessage wrote: I'm fairly unhealthy and I still walk farther than that.

A full Marathon is 26.2. You telling me you WALK 20 miles a day? Not jog, not hop, not skip, not run, but WALK 20 everyday?

So you have a bunch of Olympic gold medals or something, mr Fairly unhealthy?

hanger danger
The Hangering
Full Metal Hanger

Well yeah I'm fairly sure in order for it to count as a marathon you have to jog though. I only walk.

[Sheizenhammer]

At 9/24/15 01:02 PM, FUNKbrs wrote: The reason for the chipped cards is so they can record and sell my data better, just in case you didn't know.

Care to elaborate on this? I'm not calling bullshit on you, I just want to see how this is supposed to work (if it does).

even though I have a hot steaming pile of money in the bank.

Umm... Go to the damn bank in person and get some cash out of their stupid asses? If you have real money (i.e. not credit), can prove you are the rightful owner of the bank account in question (a passport / driver's license usually works when the card itself doesn't) and it's not barred or anything, then what would be the hold-up in just withdrawing all the cash you need for the next 6 days and using that instead?

[finicalprickle]

1 time da bank robot gave when me 20 when it was suppsed to give me 40 and i had to sine these forms and shitthat they wukk and tthat theyd look at the camera and email but they didnt email me and these didnt give me my moe
fuck phoning

[FUNKbrs]

At 9/24/15 06:43 PM, Sheizenhammer wrote:

Care to elaborate on this? I'm not calling bullshit on you, I just want to see how this is supposed to work (if it does).

Mane, they BEEN selling that data. I did a search for google, and the top story was "Payday lenders no longer allowed to buy account data... everybody else, standard rates apply, please queue up on the left" the new EMV cards connect directly to the banks via internet, so the bank's view of the transaction is no longer filtered through what the cashier uploads.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/EMV

Umm... Go to the damn bank in person and get some cash out of their stupid asses? If you have real money (i.e. not credit), can prove you are the rightful owner of the bank account in question (a passport / driver's license usually works when the card itself doesn't) and it's not barred or anything, then what would be the hold-up in just withdrawing all the cash you need for the next 6 days and using that instead?

The problem is that I'm on a bicycle (was, I'm home now) and had an empty stomach after what was already a long ride, which is like having a car with an empty gas tank, only instead of sputtering to a stop, you faint from low blood sugar and hit the ground. I eventually made it out to a real bank and got some money to eat off of. I also ended up doing a lot more miles on an empty stomach just to see how far I could push it.

[DoctorStrongbad]

At 9/24/15 01:02 PM, FUNKbrs wrote: I am a fat man.
Thus, it should be no surprise the hateful rage inspired in me when I discovered that on payday, when I go to get a greasy pizza for lunch, my card was declined.

DA FUCK? DO YOU NOT SEE HOW FAT I AM?! HANGRY RAGE!

Nobody should keep a fat man from his pizza. Hangry rage all the way bro.