Poem - Drowning

[greatwh1teshark]

This is a Poem I wrote a couple of months back, I-d be interested in seeing what you all think of it, especially since it is based on a personal experience from years back, when i actually had a near-drowning.

(Difference between a Drowning & a Near-Drowning, in a Near-drowning, the drowning victim was able to be revived)

DROWNING:

“Drowning I am Drowning and there is no one to help me,
there is no one to set me free,
The tide has dragged me out and pulled me under,
the Sea she will kill me and cast me asunder.
I try to hold my breath but my lungs are out of air,
I am slowly dying doesn't anyone care?
Gasping for air I open my mouth taking in water,
acting like a helpless lamb to my own slaughter.

Litres and litres of salty sea fill my lungs,
through my fingers my life-force runs,
with every passing second I am closer to dying,
over a watery grave my soul be flying.
The liquid cold hand of Death throttles me so,
squeezing the life out of me dragging me below,
I try to fight and make for the surface above,
to escape my torment nothing more I would Love.

Dragged even deeper I am unable to flee,
I am to die and my killer is the Sea,
I wonder just how many more have died this way,
how many more never got to see another day.
No more I can go on,
my desire to Live has gone,
the Sea she wants me and have me she Shall,
my eyes close and my heart stops I am dead without fail.

Moments before I was Drowning but now Drowned I be,
only now the Beauty of Life I finally see,
but too late I learn this for now I am dead,
so many things I have left unsaid.
However Death is not always the End,
for me it was the beginning of a Life I'd Warp and Bend,
for my heart beats once more as I find myself on Shore,
I was dead but now I am Alive once More.”

[Iusethetoilet]

Ok, to start with you got some good rhymes in it, but that is about it. I having a hard time reading it as a poem, can you try to describe to me how you read it? like in any rythmic sans or something?
also there is nothing in this poem that makes me wonder about anything at all, the only thing i wonder about is, if this even is a poem? not to be harsh but it really looks more to me like a draft from a novel or something. (you could remake it into a novel! i see a potentionaly good story there! :P )

you don't have to write such big stanzas, but if you do, you'll need something that really catches the readers attention. bend the words or the sentences and really play with the words, otherwise it will become to dull and really unenjoyable to read. also a little tip for you, some words doesn't need to be grammatically correct, you can either remake the word so it fits your poem or jeg put in another form if you get me. If you have any questions, want some help or just want have a review of your stuff, just PM me, i'll gladly help with anything :)

[Kylpault]

I'm the exact opposite of the two above me. I really don't give a damn about whether a poem has a deep meaning. This was an actual experience. I am literally looking into the thoughts of another person who's in a life-threatening situation. That's more than entertaining enough for me. A line goes "doesn't anyone care about me?" How can you get better than that?

The rhythm was there, the bumbumBUMbumbumbumBUMbumbumbumBUMbumbumbumBUM, although there are a few oddly short lines that feel out of place and break rhythm. There could have been a bit more colorful language, some analogies and stuff like that. It does feel like some tension has been taken out because you obviously survived and so we know how the poem ends, but I don't think you can help that. Unless you want to go drown yourself, but I wouldn't recommend that. Now I get why dead artists sell more!

[Iusethetoilet]

At 1/26/14 07:14 PM, Kylpault wrote: I'm the exact opposite of the two above me. I really don't give a damn about whether a poem has a deep meaning. This was an actual experience.

It does not have to have a deeper meaning. Though more wordplay and a more colorful language should be used. I can't get any kind of rhythm whilst reading the poem, it just became a dull read. also i don't know how much of a poem it is when it is so much straight to the point as this, for me it is almost as first person character describing a scene within a plot of some novel. but what i am saying is that it is good to kinda talk around the subject at matter ( if that makes any sense? ), not much but just a little so that the reader doesn't fall off half way through thinking "when is it going to end". or use one or more metaphors in the poem that might catch the readers attention, the metaphor doesn't have to be repeated more than once or at all. just so that the poem gets…like an uplifting or so.

[MilesTailsPrower10]

At 1/26/14 10:05 AM, greatwh1teshark wrote: acting like a helpless lamb to my own slaughter.

I like the "Lamb To The Slaughter" reference here. It's out-of-place though.

[greatwh1teshark]

At 1/26/14 07:59 PM, MilesTailsPrower10 wrote:

At 1/26/14 10:05 AM, greatwh1teshark wrote: acting like a helpless lamb to my own slaughter.

I like the "Lamb To The Slaughter" reference here. It's out-of-place though.

I want to say a quick big thank you to the five of you who all left reviews, each of the made different points and are quite right, so thank you for all the advice you gave, I will be sure to make some changes to it, so thanks again.

[hreyas]

Keep it up my friend u r a great writer,We are in need of such great writers in the world and i believe the practice of Writing should be re-emphasised among kids and teenagers as they write less and type more on phones ,Tablets,PC's,etc.In this age of technology u really deserve respect for preserving the writing talent in you,Hats off my friend.

[greatwh1teshark]

At 2/2/14 10:30 AM, hreyas wrote: Keep it up my friend u r a great writer,We are in need of such great writers in the world and i believe the practice of Writing should be re-emphasised among kids and teenagers as they write less and type more on phones ,Tablets,PC's,etc.In this age of technology u really deserve respect for preserving the writing talent in you,Hats off my friend.

Thanks so much for your review, that was really kind and most appreciated it, thanks for taking the time to read it and I am pleased you enjoyed it, thanks so much.