Hey just wanted to mess around and get back into some writing so for about 15-20 minutes I wrote nonstop about what I was thinking. Didn't pay much attention to spelling/grammar/paragraphs, just wrote as if I were speaking.
I just kinda wanna fuck off you know? Sometimes it just feels as if there's all these things in your life that have to be done, and you wouldn't have the time to do half of them even if you lived to be 300. You have all these dreams and one by one they disappear. Some of them are foolish and we realize with time that we don't truly want them. For instance there was a time when I wanted to be a Power Ranger. Now this sounds pretty fuckin sweet to a 4 year old kid, but now that I'm twenty it sounds like shit. I mean, who wants to fight ninja aliens all day? Scratch what I just said, being a power ranger would fuckin kick. But either way it's a dream that doesn't last, not even for the power ranger actors. I hear the original red ranger is a famous gay porn actor now. Didn't see that one coming. But back to the point. You lose all these dreams and it gets to the point where you're holding on to a desperate few that seem plausible to you. The thing is when you had hundreds of silly dreams before, someone telling you one is impossible wasn't a big deal. But when you land up with just a couple they are fucking precious and anything that happens that could compromise one of them is a damn tragedy. I don't know maybe you're a sick hockey player, not good in school, art, anything, but you're an amazing player. Maybe you had a dream bout becoming a rock star but you sucked shit a music; that dreams gone, no big loss. But you can play hockey and you think maybe you could get into the NHL and the fact that you can't accomplish any of your previous dreams doesn't matter. Now you spend all day everyday training for hockey, hoping that you'll make it one day. This is your life. Now lets say you get a chance to be drafted into the NHL, but you're sick that day. All of a sudden, even though you could very well be the best player there, your dream's fucked. Just like that. gone. How does that make you feel? What can you do now? Lots of things, but you wont be satisfied with any of them because you had a chance to be something better. Now lets take the same scenario, you have the possibility of being drafted and you're not sick. You've spent thousands upon thousands of hours practicing, but at the end of the day you're just not good enough. How does that feel to know the only thing you can do right doesn't amount to shit in the end? Makes you feel like shit. And this insecurity may not occur at the very end of your training. You may be messing around with some fellow hockey players but cant help feeling this nagging feeling in your stomach everytime your buddy deeks you out. Its bullshit from start to finish. Unless you're the absolute best and the luckiest, chances are you're looking at insecurities from the beginning you start holding onto a few precious dreams til the end. You can give up entirely and be happy working in some death cubicle, but is that better? Not sure I have an answer, is being in constant fear of having your dreams shattered better than accepting that you're probably gonna land up being society's shitter? Open question. Either way it seems you're fucked unless you're super talented, work hard and are lucky as fuck. The only problem is hard work and/or talent doesn't matter worth a fuck unless you've got some luck. Hell luck can exist buy itself. Twilight books are selling like crazy and the bitch is a shit writer who didn't even bother looking up anything on vampire lore. I hope shes just lucky. Otherwise I've given up not so much on myself as on society.
