My best friends

[johnnydiamond08]

"My Best Friends"

My best friends go by the name of Jack and Jim,
There names are labeled to these bottles I buy again and again.
Through depression and sadness their comfort is always there,
I talk to my self saying " hey, pass the bottle over here".
My friends stare down at me now,
For I am buried in the ground.
I stare blankly dressed so nice,
my skin as cold as ice.
Thank you my friends for coming around,
For in this bottle i finally drown.

Thoughts,comments,suggestions?

[TrevorW]

Work on flow. As of this moment I can see that you haven't studied flow at all; which is alright, but you need to learn it. Much of what makes poetry poetry are the elements that make it flow. A poem becomes hard to read -- the words fall flat -- when there is no flow.

[johnnydiamond08]

At 4/14/10 09:44 PM, TrevorW wrote: Work on flow. As of this moment I can see that you haven't studied flow at all; which is alright, but you need to learn it. Much of what makes poetry poetry are the elements that make it flow. A poem becomes hard to read -- the words fall flat -- when there is no flow.

When you say flow are you saying get your point acrossed with fewer words that just like fit type of a thing? Or something else?

[TrevorW]

At 4/14/10 09:48 PM, johnnydiamond08 wrote:

At 4/14/10 09:44 PM, TrevorW wrote: Work on flow. As of this moment I can see that you haven't studied flow at all; which is alright, but you need to learn it. Much of what makes poetry poetry are the elements that make it flow. A poem becomes hard to read -- the words fall flat -- when there is no flow.

When you say flow are you saying get your point acrossed with fewer words that just like fit type of a thing? Or something else?

There are many elements to flow, but think of it in this easy way: it should be easily read aloud and sound good too.

[megakill]

At 4/14/10 09:41 PM, johnnydiamond08 wrote: "My Best Friends"

My best friends go by the name of Jack and Jim,
There names are labeled to these bottles I buy again and again.
Through depression and sadness their comfort is always there,
I talk to my self saying " hey, pass the bottle over here".
My friends stare down at me now,
For I am buried in the ground.
I stare blankly dressed so nice,
my skin as cold as ice.
Thank you my friends for coming around,
For in this bottle i finally drown.

Thoughts,comments,suggestions?

I agree with Trev about working on how it flows. It just seems to cut up a bit in places if you know what i mean. Also, some of the wording doesnt really agree with me, like "staring blankly dressed so nice" I dont know why, but that line just kind of bugs me, like grammatically there is something very wrong with it.
I dont know, thats just me anyway. On the plus side, i did quite enjoy it. It's short, sweet, and puts across an important message about drinking.
Keep it up man.

[johnnydiamond08]

At 4/14/10 10:27 PM, megakill wrote: i did quite enjoy it. It's short, sweet, and puts across an important message about drinking.
Keep it up man.

Well alright, Thanks for both of your inputs good sirs.