"Last call for tickets" The bar keep sounds. Tickets. My association with like-minded individuals allows me to use these tickets, to which i have used three, for three glasses. Three glasses of red wine, though i bought a beer myself. A glorious occasion to drink to the renewal of another year. Another time to drink, for it is the last day. The last day before the plunge to exams.
Though this moment races through my mind, i pride myself on what comes after. The handsome graduate, a PHD swirling through his mind, asking if I would like another drink. Praise be to my will, as i say "No". It's a praise i don't often endow upon my self, as i usually lack the will to make the decision. I would have, in any other circumstance, roared agreement, and took another swig of my beer to empty my gullet, ready for the next swig of a foreign glass.
But my mind already swirls. Too much, i says. I have reached the limit, and must go home. I stumble out the door, my thin jacket draped around my shoulders, as i lament my goodbyes to my friends. But i feel...i feel the drink has clouded my mind...has clouded my vision. For the one thing i wish is for companionship.
Rewind to a few moments before. I joke with a comrade, and a very attractive one at that. We joke about our superiority, and she asks if i wants her autograph. i agree, asking the autograph to be made out to God. She obliges, writing "To God, Thanks for this Suit. Xo" and then she signs. Is this a pass? Does she think of me this way? I cannot tell her signature...who am i to pursue such? When it is time to go home, i ask if we could go together, as we live near one another. She leaves before i do, or do I leave before she? The drink...it clouds my head. and my thought.
A few years back, two great friends of mine, a male and a female, who were dating, broke up. It caused a rapture in my life, both socially and mentally. I spurn monogamy now. For my relationship, which had ended a few months previously, scarred me, and this break of friends both wounded and distraught me, i wonder: Did monogamy end it, or did I? Both? Just me? Just Monogamy? It is hard to tell...it is hard to know. All i know is that gambling with the relationship of another is foolhardy, and boiled down, I see it as Monogamy is...
But why, as i walk home alone, do i long for companionship? I walk the empty streets, no friend, foe, or bystander to greet or meet me. all that is there is the city, the pavement, and the night. In the city, the night encroaches not upon me. Not like where i grew up. where my light, my home, were to be my fortress. I and my lights would defend against the encroach evil that was the night, the stealer of consciousness, and the ending of the day.
But who was i to fear the dark or long for companionship? I resolve! I resolve to not hurt another! I resolve not to gamble with another person! I resolve all of this, and yet i still receive the love...the love of the other sex, and the love of the same sex. I receive the love of family, the love of friends, and sometimes the love of respect; the love of knowledge...
As i unlock the door, i worry...am i still human? Am i still subject to the laws of this world, of human nature? Am i really petty enough to just throw away the relationships that bear not the twin fruits of closeness and love? Who am i to deny those friendships? Why should i, an outcast in my youth, take the same stance with others?
I sit at my computer and write...Please oh please, i think in thought, i wish to long not for the flesh of another! I wish to be released from these human bonds...
alas...I am human...which is a loss, if we wish for anything more...
~T.S.Millar
Political Science: A haughty soap opera. Philosophy: A cold, mind-fucking bitch.
I love them both
"Manuscripts don't burn"- Mikhail Bulgakov
