My poetry & Ideas.

[johngoldenwolf]

"Mercy"

On Raven wings of pure midnight,

Skin smooth as cream and ivory white.

Shadowed eyes in coal black tresses,

Silken gray her flowing dress is.

My love for her has no restraint,

Pure of heart and free of taint.

The time will come for our blessed meeting,

Tears of joy, heart not beating.

Her scythe'n hand shall reap my soul,

Eternal rest shall be my goal.

Do not mistake these words as heresy,

For I am in Love, with the Angle called,

Mercy.

"Mercy", by John GoldenWolf

1998 copy right.

[johngoldenwolf]

"The Kiss"

Slash once splash twice the tear drops fall,

Echoing down a mind's dark halls.

A broken heart, frozen in jade.

A man's lust for life soon doth fade.

Haunting memories of a love long past,

The realization that nothing lasts.

To cradle the rose a watch it die,

To come to know that Life is a lie.

So in the night I shudder and weep.

And pray that Death my soul will keep.

So come to me oh dark winged bliss,

And may comfort come with thy sweet,

Kiss.

"The Kiss", by John GoldenWolf

1998 copy right.

[johngoldenwolf]

"Despair"

I stalk you all, the rich and the poor,

Through alleyways and penthouse floor.

I shall come for you like a common thief,

To steel your resolve and bask in your grief.

For I, have come to dash your dreams,

Crush all your hopes, and watch you scream.

No counselors talks or chaplains rights,

Will calm my rage or ease your plight.

For I am an evil as old as time,

I am the Bane, of all mankind.

And in your minds I shall make my lair,

I am the Demon,,, they call Despair.

"Despair", By John GoldenWolf

1998 copy right.

[TrevorW]

At 4/6/10 11:18 PM, johngoldenwolf wrote: "Mercy"

Silken gray her flowing dress is.

This line is awkward. Now I don't know that this is a definite flaw but I try to avoid structuring lines like this. (I did it when I first started and then realized how awkward it felt to me). I would watch out for this because it messes with the nice flow you have.

[OneWhoListens]

At 4/6/10 11:18 PM, johngoldenwolf wrote: "Mercy"

On Raven wings of pure midnight,

Skin smooth as cream and ivory white.

Shadowed eyes in coal black tresses,

If you follow the meter set by the previous two lines, this line reads as:
shaDOWED eyes IN coal BLACK tressES
(emphasis on capitalized regions), which renders quite awkwardly when read. The same problem occurs in "midNIGHT" in the first line, as well as later on in the poem multiple times.

Silken gray her flowing dress is.

My love for her has no restraint,

Pure of heart and free of taint.

The time will come for our blessed meeting,

Tears of joy, heart not beating.

Her scythe'n hand shall reap my soul,

Eternal rest shall be my goal.

Do not mistake these words as heresy,

^ Like here: ^ Specifically, "as heresy" extends the meter, throws it off.

For I am in Love, with the Angle called,

Same problem here ^

Mercy.

"Mercy", by John GoldenWolf

1998 copy right.

[johngoldenwolf]

Glad you enjoyed them. lol

[TrevorW]

At 4/7/10 12:59 AM, johngoldenwolf wrote: Glad you enjoyed them. lol

They are nice poems. We were just mentioning some things we saw as possible downsides :)

[OneWhoListens]

At 4/7/10 01:03 AM, TrevorW wrote:

At 4/7/10 12:59 AM, johngoldenwolf wrote: Glad you enjoyed them. lol

They are nice poems. We were just mentioning some things we saw as possible downsides :)

Exactly. Constructive criticism is something to be appreciated, to learn from. You didn't just post them to be narcissistic, did you?

[TrevorW]

At 4/7/10 01:23 AM, OneWhoListens wrote:

At 4/7/10 01:03 AM, TrevorW wrote:

At 4/7/10 12:59 AM, johngoldenwolf wrote: Glad you enjoyed them. lol

They are nice poems. We were just mentioning some things we saw as possible downsides :)

Exactly. Constructive criticism is something to be appreciated, to learn from. You didn't just post them to be narcissistic, did you?

Thats what I do :P Actually I have a horrible tendency to get defensive but the message gets through eventually.

You seem to have a good idea on how to make your poems flow and the few flaws, that we think exist, simply through off a very strong aspect of your poetry. Though I would argue that the visions your poems create a strong as well, even if a bit disconnected from the reader at times.

[johngoldenwolf]

Don't get me wrong. the fact that you are willing to critique my works shows that you enjoyed them and that I appreciate. lol.
Thank you. :)

[johngoldenwolf]

"Goblin of Gloom"

I am the Goblin of Gloom.

And I have come to steal your nightmares and dreams,

And replace them with gray, luke warm, runny oatmeal.

There shall be no excitement for you.

No terror or joy.

Only the dull, gray, void, of blah.

Blah, blah, blah.

Mash-potatoes and mush,,, mash-potatoes and mush,, ha,ha,ha...

And all the children's toys shall rust.

"Goblin of Gloom" a goblin nursery rhyme.
By John GoldenWolf, 4/11/10.

[johngoldenwolf]

At 4/14/10 09:32 PM, Rottenberry wrote: Jesus Christ is all of the writing portal here at Newgrounds filled with such melodramatic cheese-sauce? Is everyone experiencing a severe wave of teenage angst or whatnot?
I mean I'm sure you've got potential but maybe try and be a little more original I've seen enough of these in my Highschool days to make me cringe.

Lmao. If you did not like it, don't comment, or at least be constructive about. :D
I write what I wish, you read what you want. simple.
And they all lived happily ever after. Lmao.

[Ferstofus]

At 4/17/10 10:19 PM, Rottenberry wrote: I was giving you constructive criticism. I was suggesting you stop pouring your thoughts and emotions into these lame-o highschool melodramatic poetry and instead try to use your talents to come up with something more original or creative.

Well fella, people just can't "eliminate" emotions or something like that. And emotions, with all it's strenght, are uncontrollable and exhale from every human pore as soon as they find the way. This includes the poetic pore that we see through these small and not-so-colored words. Let it be, my relatively stressed fruit. Some things can't be changed even if the life dishwasher rub and sweep your soul until there's no more dirty sentimental fluids. But they're too deep inside to be washed ;)

[Ferstofus]

At 4/13/10 08:19 PM, johngoldenwolf wrote: "Goblin of Gloom"

I am the Goblin of Gloom.

And I have come to steal your nightmares and dreams,

And replace them with gray, luke warm, runny oatmeal.

There shall be no excitement for you.

No terror or joy.

Only the dull, gray, void, of blah.

Blah, blah, blah.

Mash-potatoes and mush,,, mash-potatoes and mush,, ha,ha,ha...

And all the children's toys shall rust.

"Goblin of Gloom" a goblin nursery rhyme.
By John GoldenWolf, 4/11/10.

So about what matters...
Well Wolfy, it'sa pretty nice thing indeed. Not my favorite kind of reading but still enjoyable in a certain way and for some reason ^^. Well, let's get down to bussiness, you wanted some criticism didn't you?

In my opinion, the two first verses ("And I have come.../And replace...") are too unnecessarily long. Maybe you could have taken the "nightmares", since dreams can includes nightmares as well (if you wanted to enphasize both of them as I believe you did, I only say that children are not clever enough to valorize nightmares).
And "luke warm...oatmeal"? Luke warm? I would expect some oatmeal of gloom to be cold, sad and/or boring, instead of some warmy and comfortable one that I eat to relax a little bit (or something like that =P). Maybe the idea was that "warmness" is in the middle between a saucy heat and a tense freezing, and so, is more boring than coldness; but I personally think that something warmy is better than a cold one.
Oh, one more thing. The "bla,bla, bla" "ha,ha,ha" rhyme was just...[insert weakest adjective you have in your vocabulary] thing I've seem. Sorry. Seriusly, I would think in something...better to use.

I'm just sad that children who listen to this verses will have more difficulty eating their meals and oatmeals. Poor little ones...don't ever let a children to see this ok young man? ;)

(I made my criticism trying to think as I child would, oh delightful sweet irony ^^)

[TrevorW]

At 4/17/10 10:57 PM, Don-L wrote:

Well fella, people just can't "eliminate" emotions or something like that. And emotions, with all it's strenght, are uncontrollable and exhale from every human pore as soon as they find the way. This includes the poetic pore that we see through these small and not-so-colored words. Let it be, my relatively stressed fruit. Some things can't be changed even if the life dishwasher rub and sweep your soul until there's no more dirty sentimental fluids. But they're too deep inside to be washed ;)

Emotion should be harnessed and enabled in such a way that the reader can relate to it. Poetry is an expression of emotion, however a good execution of the expression is both deep and relate-able. Every word should have a purpose, every punctuation a purpose, every line break a purpose, unless purposed otherwise. Nothing in poetry is simply by accident -- at least not in good poetry.

[Ferstofus]

At 4/18/10 01:40 AM, TrevorW wrote:


Emotion should be harnessed and enabled in such a way that the reader can relate to it. Poetry is an expression of emotion, however a good execution of the expression is both deep and relate-able. Every word should have a purpose, every punctuation a purpose, every line break a purpose, unless purposed otherwise. Nothing in poetry is simply by accident -- at least not in good poetry.

Indeed fella. Nobody would have interest in poetry and literature if it was just a bunch of random words without organization speaking of feelings. I just think that we should priorize the fact that, as you said, it is an expression of emotion. Before checking if all word, ponctuation and line break has a purpose, it's more important to see if it can still touch hearts.

Well, thinking about it, both are important in the end =p. I guess that's what makes literature so unique, to transform the strong inner sensations of the author into common messages to be appreciated and felt by each and every potential reader of our social soup. Interesting point to be taken Trevor.

[keioss01]

At 4/13/10 08:19 PM, johngoldenwolf wrote: "Goblin of Gloom"

LOL good

I thought this was clever...