I think what you're doing works. The opening is extremely strong and what I do like is that crescendo (I think that that slowly works its way up after 00;56 to 01:22.
I guess maybe it would have been too hopeful to wish that there was sort of a polyrythm going on with the piano and the main beat at the same time when the drums were playing around 03:05, but even then I'm not sure how well that would have sounded in this case. Nonetheless even with out that I really feel like this is a strong piece that would work seriously well in dramatic moments.
Good work. Tis hoping to see more from you in the future.