Lyrics are fine, but you gotta work on your vocal technique. It's not that you don't have a good flow; you don't quite have that intensity in your voice. There's that and the recording quality: sounds muffled, as though your breath is hitting the mic too hard, but you probably used whatever you got. I can't knock you for that.
Haha Thanks! Yeah I had a rockband mic at that time. Sort of embarrassing to admit - but I've upgraded. I now utilize sony acid for vocal clarification, and had a studio setup with a cad u37 microphone.
Please contact me if you would like to use this in a project. We can discuss the details.