This is a very good track! I played FEZ and I listened to the original soundtrack. Comparing the two ones, I consider this a REMAKE more than some sort of your own take. Nevertheless, there are some things that don't fit with the melody:
1 - The silent parts in the beginning, you could have filled them with FX or sound effects, to have a more complete track and sound design.
2 - The drums, expecially the snare, the should have been louder and more "punchy" because, in my opinion, they're useless, if you can't even notice them when they start.
3 - At 1:00 you could have stopped for like 10 seconds with the Hat, and, using an automation, they could have restarted.
As I said, this track is not a disaster nor bad, you just lacked with the structure and with immagination. As I said before, this is a REMAKE more than an own take made by you, it's lacks on originality. Hope you'll appreciate my review/feedback.