This just seems to have so much polish on it. Every detail seems like it's adding something to the plot or background of the story and also adding to the tone. It seems like this was intended to be in an audiobook, it works so well with the voice. The story is hilarious, too. Despite spending such little time with the characters they seem so real. It's an amazing story, just brilliant. Keep it up, I'm sure someone else has a more critical review than me.
On a side note, you have a pretty nice voice. Have you ever considered voice acting?