Needs some Work!
Normally...I would try and send this down to the deep depths. However, it does show potential. And if you are stating the truth in your statement that this is your first. Then you just need to touch up in most areas. These are merely suggestions and please don't be offended by them, because...well I mean no offense.
When speaking for the person, give some emotion to what they are saying. When shadow was talking about his purpose the first time, it sounded like you just wanted to get over with it, instead of the deep emotion Love.
When putting Music in, personally, I want to hear it all the way through. The Music in this cut way too short, and the rest was either audio...or the static in my headphones. Either way, it wasn't too pretty.
Other than that, make a sequel, and make it much better! I expect to see something become of this potential. Good luck!