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Untitled story. Critiques wanted

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Untitled story. Critiques wanted 2014-07-16 13:40:14


Well I used to avidly write to pass the time, but its been almost two years now so I'm sure I've lost my touch. Anyways this is the result of a 2AM spark of creativity, I may go forward with it, but as of now I would just like to know what you guys think.

“Well would you look at that” Asura thought to herself looking over the scrying well. “He sleeps like a lamb, but lives like an utter maniac.” Yes of course; it was always easy to forget in the process of looking down upon someone from a land of guided sidewalks and utter beauty just how different and worlds apart in comparison her life was.

“Careful,” a hearty voice echoed from behind in the near distance. “If you get too engrossed in the well you just may fall in.” The voice belonged to none other than Arthur, a longtime friend of Asura’s; ever since they enlisted in the guardians order, Arthur had always been by her side.
“Is yours asleep too?” Asura asked with a grin spreading allowing her soft pink lips to reveal her brilliantly white teeth.

“Of course she is, she won’t start staying awake till dusk for at least a few more years. Yours however…”

“Yeah it’s been a few weeks since I have gotten to watch him from the well. 17 year olds really are much more active than I remember them being.”

“He isn’t exactly active in a good way though.” Arthur said raising a brow.

“Well he always has been somewhat of a troublemaker. I remember three years ago when he attempted to summon a succubus, and got an alp instead.”

“Nasty buggers those filthy things are! I got into a bout with one around two centuries ago, and it was even worse then because the bastard managed to get into my little ones dreams. Combat in that realm really isn’t to our advantage as most people down there would think.”

“You of all people complaining about fighting! You are in the upper top percentiles in terms of combat efficiency if I recall correctly”

“Aye, I remember when I first got here and my second lamb was a soldier. Front line infantry at that!”

“Are you front line infantry as well?” Asura asked now leaning on the well with both elbows.

“I am actually unsure about that by this point. My position has changed countless times since we were created. I have been from front line infantry, to vanguard, to even medical support. When the final bell tolls though, I’m sure I’ll be right where I need to be. Whoever is making the position changes must be a hell of a man though!”
“Or woman.” Asura winked teasingly.

“Aye; or woman.”

“Arthur do you like your lamb?” Asura asked staring into his eyes endlessly.

“How could I not? How could anyone not? She is different from all the other lambs I have had thus far, but that is always the case from one lamb to another. She is quiet and does a fairly decent job of keeping out of trouble. As a matter of fact I get to watch her from the well much more frequently than most lambs.”
“I wonder sometimes Arthur; do they really think about us as much as we do them?” Asura stood up to sit down upon the well. With one hand in her lap and the other supporting her, she seemed almost like a goddess.

“Of course they don’t. I wouldn’t be surprised if at some points in time they even forget we exist all together. None the less I will still keep her safe. I remember once when she was three a demon gave her a stroke in a park; she was behind a tree and nobody could see her.”

“And what did you do about it?” Asura asked as if she already knew the answer.

“I came forth and slew the creature where he stood! One chop across the legs, and another down the middle for good measure! There is nothing as heart-poundingly exciting as watching the brimstone erupt from their limbs, and hear them shriek in pain as they are thrown back into their fiery pit!” Arthur put his hefty hand upon his sword hilt which hung from the holster upon his hip. With the exception of Brian Arthur was the most battle-hardened guardian that Asura personally knew.

“Your lamb before this was a soldier correct? You must have been itching for a fight from the very beginning. I don’t see how some of us can transition from soldiers to civilians, the intensity of guarding a soldier is enough to permanently bend me into a battle crazed maniac.”

“I guess that’s why some prefer to only do one or the other. Brian really gets a kick out of fighting beside his lambs, that why I hear he prefers to only guard soldiers.”

“Anything else would be a waste of his talents. I remember when Bryan single handedly fought off around 45 demons. His lamb made it back from battle alive, and with few scratches too! Rumor had it that after that Michael even personally gave him a congratulations when he arrived back here.”

“I swear if Bryan becomes a full-fledged war angle, hell will be rocked to the core. Just imagine.” Asura began waving one hand in an arc over her head. “Bryan with access to the angelic arsenal. I hear that those weapons can destroy entire demon legions if need be.”

“Well not to brag,” Arthur began as he put his hands behind his head. “But my steel is pretty destructive too. I mean it isn’t even close to being on par with the angelic arsenal, but with maximum effort I could probably take down a legion or two.” Asura chuckled in a tone that was neither in agreement or disagreement.

“Well when it comes to style you are closer to the heavenly arsenal than most of us.” Asura assured him. Michal unsheathed his sword and held it up looking at it in admiration.

“Oh this old thing? I may have taken it to the anvil a time or two, but I mean it’s nothing to brag about.”

“It truly is a beautiful piece.” Asura reassured. “Just look at it.” Arthur’s sword truly was a beautiful piece of craftsmanship. With a width that was slightly slimmer than most swords, and a length that was slightly longer, Arthur’s sword had the key feature of having alternating strips of black granite with white speckles, and red obsidian running down the center. The edges of the blade were ornamented with elaborately engraved depictions of the sun and mood running around both edges. The cross guard had an interesting three pronged point with the tips pointing upwards with the blade. The hilt was wrapped in a leather which Arthur had dyed to be faintly red, and the ornament at the end was oddly enough an owl made entirely of laborite with opal eyes. Arthur had spent his spare time from his very creation, to the crafting of his sword, and most shepherds held it as nothing more than a work of art.

"What exactly made you chose to smith a sword with such a design?” Asura questioned

“To me it is meant to symbolize the beginning and the end, as well as just how vast and expansive both the world down below, and the one we currently reside in is. The black is to symbolize the creation of the creator, while the red is to show just how violent and destructive such a masterpiece can be when manipulated properly.”

“But why the owl Arthur? Is it your favorite animal?” Asura sked teasingly.
“The owl to me is a creature which closely symbolizes us Asura. It is always alert, and in most cases can even tell the end results of some of its actions. With all this knowledge however, the owl still simply chooses to sit and observe, only making a move when it has to.”

“But we are lions Arthur. The guardian order is symbolized by a lion, not an owl.”

“Well then when you smith your own sword fell free to put as many lions on it as you like.”

“My armament of choice is the short sword you know that! And despite your expert level of craftsmanship, my weapon is a looker as well.” Asura held out her hand and steadily a brown leather sheath began to appear in her hand. The plain leather sheath exposed nothing more than a handle wrapped in black leather topped by an ornament of a golden lions head molded in a roaring positon. Asura unsheathed the weapon to reveal a short sword made entirely out of red crystal. Still maintaining its various edges everywhere except for where the blade itself was formed into a single unified edge. In the center of the weapon a hole ran clearly through filled only partially by a smooth metal “donut” with a strip of gold in the middle of it. “See? It may not be

Response to Untitled story. Critiques wanted 2014-07-16 13:44:07


as complex as yours, but my weapon is still a looker.”

“That is quite possibly the most revolting weapon I have ever seen. Every time you unsheathe that thing to display it a little bit of me dies on the inside.” Asura stood to her feet abruptly

“Would you like to spar to settle this then?!”

“Of course not. I would rather watch my lamb. I’ll do you a favor this time and not call your bluff” Arthur grinned as he sheathed his sword. Asura did the same with a blatant pout upon her face.

“You talk big now, but I would like to see you try and talk to Bryan the same way you do me.” Asura glanced out of the corner of her eyes and over her shoulder.

“I can probably last a few minutes on my own against him. I may not be anywhere near his level, but I could probably give Bryan a run for his money for a short time.”

“I doubt that. The man is a tank. He even casted his wings in metal, only someone who values fighting that much would even decide to do something like that. When he did it he told me Michael even asked him why.”

“Bryan may show us all the method to his madness one day, a few other shepherds were having an argument on who would in in a sparring match, Bryan or Michael.”

“Is that even a contest?” Asura asked rolling her eyes in both disbelief and annoyance. “Michael would obliterate Bryan and possibly half of all the other shepherds in a single swing.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure. Bryan is all about defense and power. You remember how his armor is set up don’t you?”

“He changes it so often I can’t honestly say I do. Last time I recall it was just a full plate set; with his signature flare on it of course.”

“No his newest variant is a 2 foot thick plate set. Everything from the chest plate to the legs, and even the gauntlets is 2 feet thick. Running under the plates he has a solid layer of strips, and this time over the legs he decided to include a solid war kilt. Mind you this is all angelic steel so it has to weigh at least one ton or more.”

“Goodness Bryan is crazy! How does he think he will be able to move in all of that equipment?”

“He moves fast. Very fast. Bryan has so much power in his body he can charge faster than us even with all of that equipment. Never mind the power in his strikes, don’t even get me started on how much force the man can conjure up by swinging his sword.”

“Does he still use his great sword?”

“Of course. And by now he is swinging it just as fast as you and I swing our current weapons.”

“Bryan will most likely become a war angle. With all of the equipment modifications he has made, and all of the power he has it would be impossible to see him remain a shepherd forever.”

“Well if you think about it he isn’t far off already from being one. With his current lamb Bryan fights almost 50 demons a day. When his lamb has to storm the fields he even has to fight them all together.”

“Where is he now actually? I haven’t seen Bryan in what feels like ages.”

“You haven’t had a soldier as a lamb yet so you probably don’t know this, but most soldiers as lambs require watching in the field even when they sleep. With my previous lamb I didn’t see you for a while, until God called her home; I doubt Bryan’s case will be any different, but he may come to the well occasionally for a brief minute or two, whether we will be here to see him or not is another question however.”

“Well I can appreciate Marcus as a lamb for now. He gets into some risky spots, but for the most part he is nowhere close to 50 demons a day.”

“My little Kaylee is the same way. With her I don’t usually have to worry about her putting herself in situations where I have to intervene to extremely.” For a brief moment both angles looked into the scrying well upon their respective lambs. For in the human world the sun was about to rise, and another day of divine protection was upon the horizon.

Well thats about it. Dont worry about the grammar, I know it needs some work, but anything else is fair game. I really want to get back into the swing of writing again so any help is appreciated

Response to Untitled story. Critiques wanted 2014-07-16 19:23:10


To an uninitiated reader, all these are quotes without context. There's no setting (which would've been nice), there's no start and end (which would've been nice), and there's no explanation as to why lambs even feature here, and why they were soldiers at one point (which really would've been nice!!). The characters seem like they're talking in the context of a video game....... where again, details on location, time period.... would have been appreciated. The whole reading experience was utterly disjointed for me, and I would appreciate if like many good story writers, you gave a paragraph on setting, perhaps a section on the lore that you are about to share with us...

Response to Untitled story. Critiques wanted 2014-07-16 21:01:10


At 7/16/14 07:23 PM, Troisnyx wrote: To an uninitiated reader, all these are quotes without context. There's no setting (which would've been nice), there's no start and end (which would've been nice), and there's no explanation as to why lambs even feature here, and why they were soldiers at one point (which really would've been nice!!). The characters seem like they're talking in the context of a video game....... where again, details on location, time period.... would have been appreciated. The whole reading experience was utterly disjointed for me, and I would appreciate if like many good story writers, you gave a paragraph on setting, perhaps a section on the lore that you are about to share with us...

Yeah at first the concept was for people to gradually figure it out and piece it together, but I did chop up an introduction beforehand, it just felt too easy to just plop it in the beginning and go about my business. I have the intro on a thumb drive (which has made its way to kinkos apparently) and can drop in in whenever it gets here. As a word of warning though I am terrible with establishing a setting from the get go; I've always been a fan of the "grow as you go" type of settings, but for what I have planned concerning this particular piece as well as taking into account all that you've said I dont quite think it will work. Anyways thanks for the critique; I havent been on NG in some years and its kind of sad to see the writing section the current barren wasteland that it is. Such a shame, I even wanted to join the now dead guild when I saw the thread =/

Response to Untitled story. Critiques wanted 2014-07-17 03:27:45


At 7/16/14 09:01 PM, fluxv3 wrote: Anyways thanks for the critique; I havent been on NG in some years and its kind of sad to see the writing section the current barren wasteland that it is. Such a shame, I even wanted to join the now dead guild when I saw the thread =/

The guild is far from dead; the next meeting is 19 July, and today is the submission deadline for an anthology we're working on. Seriously, just because you don't see activity on a signup thread doesn't mean it's dead. Much of our activity is either in people's reviews, weekly posts to the Writing Forums, or songwriting (in the case of Omega members). And reviewing is part of my Guild work, though I'll admit being overactive.

But honestly though, sign up. You have nothing to lose.

Response to Untitled story. Critiques wanted 2014-07-31 00:51:46


@flux

I'd suggest original names. A friend of mine used to take words and shuffle the letters; shuffled insulting words for characters he didn't like and vice versa. You're a good writer; I'd just recommend trying to be a bit less cliche.