i miss being 12 years old, sitting in my soon to be foreclosed house at 3am drunk on budget rum screaming into a microphone not caring that i had work in a few hours because when your 12 you have all the energy in the world and you don't care if you get fired. Life's only meaning at that age is to have those magical moments. At 12 years old life is just serotonin dump to serotonin dump. Now i rarely get those feeling of happiness. My life is much more stable now but some would say now my life has more meaning. i literally save lives for a living now but im more numb than ever. i sleep during the day and work at night seeing people only at their worst. On my nights off i sit lazily and watch television sometimes taking naps out of pure boredom. The moments that get my heart pumping are only those of extreme fear and bubbling over the top frustration boiling into rage. i haven't written any music in years. my computer update destroyed my software and i cant afford new software since all my money goes into basically getting to work, eating at work and getting home from work. It all feels thankless and not worth it. Just last week i had a man spit at me because i made his tourniquet too tight preventing him from bleeding to death because he got stabbed in the arm and was spraying hot bright red blood everywhere. A part of me wanted to stomp on his skull until the crunching stopped. But instead i wiped the spit off my face and kept administering care and taking vitals. Then i sat at home in the dark watching infomercials because i was too lazy to see if there was anything on netflix. my life is consumed by extreme moments of inner panic and rage only to be equalized by long stretches of complete apathy.
What im try to say is don't stop making music. You are too damn good at it to stop. It would be a waste.