Could be better...
First off, you need to drastically increase your Framerate. the Action required for smooth Sprite movies is greater than 12.
Second, a crisper sound sample would be good. I could hear some white noise in the main music.
Third, The text interstitials felt disjointed. "Later That day..." for example, made the movie stick out as a Flash movie rather than something made with the Game itself. (I.E. use a 'blockier' font, so that it looks like it's an In-game font rather than one that came with a software bundle.)
You've got some good ideas, but you need to experiment a LOT more with flash first.