The Promise
Yes, I liked it.. it has promise, your work could be much, MUCH better.. with very little effort.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to take 2 months to redo this film.
1. Characters that aren't sticks. Each character should be an individual. Someone with a face, and an expression, and eyes so we can see what they're looking at, etc.
2. Voices. You can do better than foamy.. lower pitches, etc. Frankly, some of the best flash toons just have one or two people doing "funny voices" you know, you did them in grade school.. give us a funny accent, or something. Make sure the characters sound different from one another.
3. Make the box legible.. use a stencil font, something really old-school and basic. something everyone knows how to read. US ARMY STENCIL is a great example.
4. Timing. Sit for like a day, when you've completely drawn it all out.. spend a saturday adding one frame, then one more frame, then one less.. to that moment between "oh god he's going to shoot himself" and "bang".. milk that scene for everything it's worth.. but don't give us one frame more than we need. 2.5 seconds is my guess. and-one-and-two-and-BANG!
Your use of the added scene is perfect. Perhaps using a fake out-take.. where the guy is holding the gun, and starts crying.. "I can't do it" and both characters start laughing, then the director yells "cut!" (beep)
just a thoutght.
Seriously.. in comedy, it's 99% timing. Even stick figures and illegible boxes and difficult to understand voices can be covered-up-for by perfect timing.
But you're on an excellent track, and you have a great gag here.