Some Pointers
STORY - You should never have to explain your story in the Author's Comments. Your toon should speak for itself. If the story isn't clear, then there's a flaw in the script and you should go back and rewrite it. In the case of a series, you should reveal a little bit more in each installment. This helps to keep people interested and they'll come back for more.
SOUND - If you feel the need to have background music throughout the entire toon, try using various pieces. The single loop becomes distracting after a while. If you're still going to use voice actors, make sure your background music does not overpower their volume. As it is now, I could not hear anything they were saying because the music was louder than they were. It's great you put in subtitles, but the voices should still be audible.
PACING - The storytelling is too slow. It dragged too much and became boring. Try cutting your scenes shorter and closer together.
ANGLES - Static "camera" angles also make for boring storytelling. You had a sweep here and there, which were used well, but for the most part, we're left looking at a scene where two characters are just standing there. Try a few close-ups that show facial expressions as characters converse and switch angles every once in a while.
ANIMATION & ACTION - The characters are too static. When they move, their movements are limited. Learn a little bit more about dynamic animation to make the piece more interesting. The fight scene was poorly executed and choreographed. Check out a few action movies and study the dynamic angles used to make fight scenes seem more dramatic.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, I don't mean it to be. I see that you have the potential for great improvement and I'd like to see you get there. Keep practicing. I look forward to your next installment.
